Am I being selfish???

MC101

I have been with my partner for around nine years. I have children living away from home but with todays pricing with rents etc they could have to move back home at any time. My partner has younger children that live with their mum in a house they jointly own and he pays the mortgage as she does not work. Also CSA which doesn't leave him much but enough to treat the kiddies and a few pints.
He moved in after about 1 year, into my house and pays me 250 per month.. I work full time and pay most of the bills.
My problem is I know at one stage he would like one of his children to move in. He is not getting along with his mother at the moment. My partner said he could always come and stay for a few days to cool off, but Im worried that he would just not leave.( my partner would want this) I would be ok with just a few days we all need space. Also his children only stay when his ex wants a baby sitter or they are in a mood with their mum. I makes me feel used by all of them for my house. If he asked me out right if he could move in and I said no I know it would be the end of us as he would see me as a horrible person.
I understand If you get with a man with children there is a possibility this could happen, and I could possible accept it a little more if our relationship was better. We don't do much as a couple, we have never been on holiday. If we do do anything he feels guilty his children hasn't come along. He doesn't understand we need to do things as a couple. I don't see he much as he is working or doing things for his family and friends so if the child moved in I would do most of the cooking cleaning etc for him. I just wanted someone else's opinion really

alwaysskint96

Well if that makes you selfish then I must be too. Hence why i dont go for blokes with kids.

But perhaps you need to make it clear to you OH that its a no no

kazwookie

Sorry, I would be moving him (your OH) out, you don't actually have a relationship with him, what so ever, you are him personal butler........

Guest101

1: perhaps he needs to stop paying the mortgage, pay the requires CSA/CMS payments and his ex get start to support her kids?


2: Look he's got kids, either accept it or don't. Of course he's going to want to spend time with them


3: Yes you need time as a couple, but he clearly cant afford it (see point1.!)


4: It sounds like he's paying you rent, which gives him a beneficial interest in the property, so really it's his home too. Just not on paper.

AnnieO1234

I wish OP had hidden the genders/roles here as I suspect were the situation a mothers new partner not wanting the kids around the answers may very well be different.

To answer your question, yes I believe you are being selfish.

Do you love him? Yes? Then understand he has children who need him. You knew this. You knew it when you invited him to move in. Where was he living before he moved in with you?

It sounds like you've become resentful of the money, perhaps the time too that he uses to support his ex. Were they married? Did they divorce? Is the situation court ordered? How old are the kids?

I feel sorry for him to be honest. He's had a relatio ship breakdown, he's trying his best for his kids and he thinks he's moved on to another loving relationship, someone to support him in bad times and vice versa.

Do you want the relationship to continue? If so, collect your thoughts and talk to him. Try to be even handed. Tell him how you are feeling, tell him some of your thoughts are unreasonable. If you don't feel you can confront him right now, write it all down, get the emotions onto paper. It will be cathartic for you.

I hope things work out. Xxx

BrassicWoman

If they have been seperated for 9 years then how old is this kid? Old enough not to cook and clean up after them?

I think it's difficult to have your kids home but not his. None f them feel like "your" family, obviously - which suggests "partner" may be a loose term? Cohabiting good buddies is fine, but I don't think you can force a family out of it.

Maybe you should discuss this fully before the crisis hits, not after?

There's also the option of partner moving into rented + kid until the childrearing is over, I suppose.

Spendless

To me reading this you are not operating as a team. He pays you £250 and you pay the bills. You aren't landlady and lodger, you are a long-term couple.

His youngest child can't be that young if you've been together 9 years! He needs to sort the financial side of things out with his ex. Why isn't she working or at least seeking work?

ripplyuk

He sounds like a great father, but not a great partner.

Of course his kids are his priority which is exactly as it should be, but he should want to take care of your relationship together too. He shouldn't feel guilty if you do something as a couple.

I don't think you're being selfish OP. I wouldn't want the sort of relationship you describe. You're already feeling resentful and taken for granted so I think you need to discuss this all with him and decide what you both want.

MC101

The mother choses not to work, Im not sure how the gets away with it. The child in question is 12. but they also an older child. I am grateful to all your replies.

paddy's_mum

MC101 wrote: »

if ... I said no I know it would be the end of us as he would see me as a horrible person.

If this is the rock bottom reality, then you know already that what you have is not a strong, true and loving relationship between adults of equal standing.

AndyBSG

MC101 wrote: »

The mother choses not to work, Im not sure how the gets away with it. The child in question is 12. but they also an older child. I am grateful to all your replies.

I guess it boils down to 'why' you don't want his kids to live with you?

If the reason is because you simply don't want them then it's tough to find a solution as you'll essentially being telling him to choose between you and his kids.

However, if the reason is because you don't want to be the one paying for his kid or your house isn't big enough then you need to consider other things.

Your OH is paying CSA for two kids. If one kid comes to live with you then his CSA payments will go down.

Your OH is paying half of a mortgage for a property he doesn't live in. Assuming they have a joint mortgage then he needs to do either get his ex to get a mortgage on her own and buy him out or they need to sell the house and split the proceeds.

I understand he is probably not doing that because he doesn't want his kids on the street but he is just enabling his ex to financially leech off him using the kids as leverage and if by doing that she can't afford to care for the kids then they can live with him or she needs to get a job.

If he gets lump sum form the sale would it enable you to buy a bigger home that could accommodate his children together and would that be something you want to do?

Bottom line is that at the moment he is having his cake and eating and so is his ex with you at the bottom of the chain picking up the shortfall.