A tricky situation

onomatopoeia99

peachyprice wrote: »

And that's what you would do if it were your mother? You wouldn't want to get her any help?

If a competent adult (or indeed, a competent child) refuses treatment then they cannot be compelled. I am not going to suggest MH problems on the basis of a forum post.

Jackieboy

peachyprice wrote: »

No, but her OH is the womans son, that's why I suggested HE spoke to someone. Just because it's the OP who has posted doesn't mean the son is not just as disturbed by his mother's behaviour too.

I don't think that would be at all appropriate.

peachyprice

Jackieboy wrote: »

I don't think that would be at all appropriate.

I don't think it's appropriate to let a mother steep in her own pee without trying to seek help, hey ho, I guess we'll have to beg to differ.

Person_one

peachyprice wrote: »

Oh, come on, you think it's normal for a 63yo woman to be in denial about peeing herself? Would you be happy if that were your mother? Would you just sit back and do nothing and let her carry on peeing herself and covering the house with pee? I know I wouldn't, I'd want to get her help, even if my dad refused to acknowledge a problem.

The woman is 63, she's going to lose all her friends, she's going to be ostracised by her neighbours as the mad lady who smells of pee, all because her family tiptoed around her.

I think you might be surprised by how common it is for people with incontinence to be in complete denial for ages or too embarrassed to approach anybody about it. The same happens with other illnesses too, people have died of bowel cancer rather than go to the doctor and say they've had diarrhoea and flatulence for months.

The OP says that her MIL has a dulled sense of smell anyway, so she may not realise how bad the smell is and she might be deluding herself that she's doing a reasonable job of hiding the problem. Maybe she wrongly thinks that it'll all be solved when she has the op for the prolapse so if she just holds on she can avoid the awkward conversations she's dreading?

If she has capacity, nobody else can seek treatment or do anything else on her behalf, no matter how much they might want to. Medical professionals won't act on anybody's say so except the person themselves.

Person_one

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

Price up private surgery for her issues.

It might be more affordable than you think.

It's most likely the diabetes that has destroyed her bladder sensation. There's no surgery for that.

peachyprice

Person_one wrote: »

I think you might be surprised by how common it is for people with incontinence to be in complete denial for ages or too embarrassed to approach anybody about it. The same happens with other illnesses too, people have died of bowel cancer rather than go to the doctor and say they've had diarrhoea and flatulence for months.

The OP says that her MIL has a dulled sense of smell anyway, so she may not realise how bad the smell is and she might be deluding herself that she's doing a reasonable job of hiding the problem. Maybe she wrongly thinks that it'll all be solved when she has the op for the prolapse so if she just holds on she can avoid the awkward conversations she's dreading?

Very true, but I find it strange that the father is covering it up too. I know 100% if it were my mother, my father would come to me to try to get her help, he wouldn't just go along with letting her get in that state, he would be beside himself with worry, and my parents are a hell of a lot older than Op's inlaws.

Person_one

peachyprice wrote: »

Very true, but I find it strange that the father is covering it up too. I know 100% if it were my mother, my father would come to me to try to get her help, he wouldn't just go along with letting her get in that state, he would be beside himself with worry, and my parents are a hell of a lot older than Op's inlaws.

Well, everybody is different. I'm guessing he knows her best so maybe he knows what approaches will just make her more defensive. This is why I said in my first post that the younger generation should move out and leave the parents alone in peace so they have a chance of sorting it out just the two of them without also having to have their son and daughter in law involved in the whole thing.

EpsomOldie

Apart from the stink, hygiene and all-round grossness, it's not at all MSE either!

Years ago I was seconded to a Council's housing department for six months (not Epsom!) and I visited a woman in her 90's with dementia who lived alone with the [STRIKE]help[/STRIKE] supervised neglect of Social Services. Her home stank of wee and poo. She wasn't incontinent as far as I know, she'd just lost her inhibitions and went when and wherever the urge came. Her mattress, furniture etc were literally rotten.

After she was moved to proper residential care - it happened to be a good one - the flat of course had to be gutted before being re-let and I remember the Council even had to dig out and replace the floor down to the foundations (ground floor flat) as the ammonia from the pee had destroyed the timber floorboards and the concrete underneath.

Strong stuff is wee.

FBaby

The problem is that OK and her husband have already tried the gentle approach and both mum AND dad had told them to get lost. Dad is working and home all day so surely it can't be as bad as OP describes or if it is it is clearly not bothering them.

The way it comes across is that it is an issue for OP because of the inconvenience it is to her. Last sentence says it all. What can they do. Well they tried the gentle approach talk3d with Dad and all this did is angered them so all there is left is to leave them to it until it gets better or they accept the problem and for OP to find somewhere else to live.

supermezzo

I'm surprised nobody has wondered if the MIL simply wants her son and DIL to move out and is prepared to go to any lengths to be rid of them?