A tricky situation

Janey3

Poor MIL - did have some sympathy for you until I read your last paragraph.

Hopefully, she will soon get the hospital treatment she needs.

Agree with others - move out if it's so intolerable for you to live there.

oystercatcher

I'm pretty sure you can get free samples from the main suppliers of incontinence protection, Always and Tena, maybe others too . Why not apply on-line in your MIL's name so she can see what is available. Maybe she doesn't realise there's more than basic sanitary towels. Don't say it was you who sent off for them though.

I totally agree with above posts though that you shouldn't be mentioning this . How mortified would you feel if this was happening to you ? Yes it is awful for you but even more so for your poor MIL who is probably desperate for some privacy but is having to share her home with you both. Why not move out and give everyone a break.

EpsomOldie

Er, am I the only one who feels very sorry for the OP? Yes, the MIL has atrocious health problems (I don't include the type 2 diabetes - that's to a large extent manageable IF she chooses, and it sounds like she chooses not to) and must feel absolutely miserable BUT she's 63, not 103 and has presumably got her marbles?

She should be managing the symptoms of her health problems as best she can until they can get sorted, for her own self-respect and hygiene as well as consideration for those around her. What's the problem with pads and incontinence aids and changing / washing regularly?

She sounds like a dirty, selfish cow to be frank. (Fully expect to get flamed, but too bad.)


OP, you and your husband have my sympathy. Move out asap and tell them why. And tell them they're welcome to visit you at your place provided they sort themselves out.

PS Don't have a prob with the folding chairs either.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Janey3 wrote: »

Poor MIL - did have some sympathy for you until I read your last paragraph.

Hopefully, she will soon get the hospital treatment she needs.

Agree with others - move out if it's so intolerable for you to live there.

I wouldn't want somebody coming into my house and soaking it in pee, either.

I'm not certain if anybody here actually understands what the smell is like with somebody who is incontinent and refuses to wear suitable pads. I'd take a hundred tom cats over it - and most people know what a cat spraying smells like.


I'd be sleeping in a camper van in preference.

Yes, it's awful that she hasn't had treatment yet - has anybody (ie, her) actually contacted the consultant's secretary to emphasise just how intolerable the situation is? It's probably been put down as a low priority operation because the assumption would be she'd manage with pads and she's not covering herself and everywhere she goes with urine - if they are made aware of exactly what the degree of her problems are, it might be possible that she could have the procedure earlier. Assuming she has actually agreed to surgery and hasn't refused to acknowledge it or seek medical attention, that is, and she's actually fit for surgery (diabetes and smoking might have been an issue, depending on her general health, Trust policy, the attitude of the anaesthetist to risk, etc.


But if they can't/won't acknowledge it and it's that bad, spend a few hundred quid on a camper van, spend a couple of grand on a bedsit rental, whatever, just get out now. Because if this carries on, not only will it be horrible for you, the relationship with the family will completely fall apart and you won't need to worry about them visiting a new place as they'll never want to speak to either of you again.

Pollycat

Whilst I appreciate that it can't be pleasant - a lady catches the bus on our route and she smells very strongly of urine, so bad that I always move to the rear of the bus when I see her waiting at the stop - it is not your house.

Are you paying any rent or something towards the bills?
If you are not paying the going rate, your are using these people to help you save for your own house.
If the situation is too bad to put up with, move out.

You don't sound particularly sympathetic so I wonder just how 'gently' you've tried to talk to your MIL-to-be.

KellyAnn wrote: »

It’s getting to the point where hopefully early next year when we will be house-hunting that I don’t want either of them visiting our new home, for fear of her ruining our furniture. It sounds really petty but I am at my wits end. What can I do in this situation?

There's some 'I's in the above paragraph. Does your partner feel the same about not wanting his parents to visit?

System

It's her house. She can pee in every room in the house if she wants to.

Move out.

Fold up chairs? Your lucky you haven't been thrown out.

warby68

I can't understand why someone wouldn't want to use the pads etc in preference to uncontrolled leaks and smells. If embarrassed it would be more hidden that way. Is there a financial issue maybe?

And I do agree it would be very hard to live in a urine soaked environment.

However, if you've kindly (and that would be a key word) offered help and its been rejected by both her AND FIL, I don't think there is much more you can do other than move out.

System

warby68 wrote: »

I can't understand why someone wouldn't want to use the pads etc in preference to uncontrolled leaks and smells. If embarrassed it would be more hidden that way. Is there a financial issue maybe? .

No excuse really. For the last few years before I entered the menopause I had very heavy periods. So heavy I had to wear washable microfibre cloths as well as pads. The outlay was minimal. Just wasn't very pleasant.

FBaby

I personally couldn't stay in the house as I would find it debilitating (but then I would seem I have an enhanced sense of smell). However, I would consider it MY problem, not that of my MIL. It's her house and as long as her husband is fine with the situation, then whose to tell her what she should do?

I do sympathise OP, but you do have the choice to move out. You might not be able to able to afford it but that's your problem to sort out. You can't have it both ways, expect people to support you but then dictate to them how they live their lives.

peachyprice

I'm truly astounded by the number of people who think that someone peeing themselves constantly is a totally acceptable way to live and that OP should just put up or shut up.

The woman has serious health issues and is in complete denial about it, it's not normal behaviour for someone of such a young age to not be able to use incontinence pads and keep themselves clean, it sounds like she has mental health issues too.

OP, could your OH make an appointment with her GP or the nurse at the surgery? I know they won't discuss her with him but they may listen, at least let someone know the filthy conditions your MIL is living in so that they can decide whether they want to take action. This is not a normal way for a woman of her age to live, someone outside the family needs to get this across to her.