Failing as a parent :(

lynzpower

conradmum wrote: »

Oh dear.... That's reminded me of something I saw the other day. A mum was screaming at her 9/10 year old boy, so loudly that I could hear what she was saying from 100m away, and the surrounding houses (it was on a recreation ground) were echoing the sound of her voice.
The she finished by shoving him on the ground and screaming "That's it! I've finished with you! Don't come home!" and walked off.
I'm nearly in tears thinking of it.
Should I have followed her home and told Social Services where she lived, Lynzpower?

A tough one I think on this one.

If you felt that this warrants abuse ( and professionally and personally speaking I would say it would) then yes, I suppose you *should* have got some details if possible. However, you would be not unusual at all, in not doing so. I have to say Ive seen this sort of thing before, and I have either intervened or left it- really depending on what the individual circumstances are, and your own safety of course.

I have to be honest, if a parent was displaying this sort of behaviour, you would expect ( hope?) that teachers, doctors or otherwise would have picked up on the problem and alerted social services already.

Its a very difficult one - because most of the information out there is for reporting this sort of thing to people you already know- freinds, neighbours, reltives etc. Im not sure there is guidance for seeing strangers in the street...

Worth speaking confidnetially to the NSPCC helpline. to see what they suggest in future

Melissa177

Just a thought:

I used to bounce off the walls as a child if I had fizzy drinks or anything with yellow food colouring in it... Do you give him anything like this at home that he doesn't get in the nursery?

Sounds like he's trying to test your patience deliberately, three year olds are inclined to do that...

Carmina_Piranha_3

yes, it's worth a try checking E numbers in some things. my husband and both children are allergic to yellow colours, one child is allergic to red colours and one to blue (i don't understand it myself, i'm not allergic to any of them). mushy peas might contain yellow dyes and certain sweets are full of them. if you still want him to have sweets there are some without the nasty dyes. jelly babies and fruit pastilles have stopped using the nasty colours, and fruitella etc. are okay.

my toddler went absolutely bonkers the other day after having a mint aero, i think it was the blue colouring. he went from being a normal (ha!) 2 year old to being an absolute monster, he had to be held down on the bus by strangers :eek:

cobbingstones

Melly (((((( )))))) huge big hugs to you x

I think that you hve already taken the huge step and contacted the doctors for professional help. This is saying you care and that you know things need to change. Well done.

Toddlers are very very hard work. I have one at 17, 3 and 18 months and some days I want to scream my head off.:o You are not alone with the feelings of guilt. It's very hard going to parent as well as working and also trying to unreavel your past. Give yourself a break!

I have started to become more structured now with my two and I find this for me is a very positive step. For example on one day we bake together, another I let them loose on the paint etc. This stops the moaning and pushing of my buttons (sometimes). Maybe this may help?

Parentline is fantastic, very non judgemental and you can even 'speak' to them over the web if you don't feel like talking on the phone.

From experience I can tell you this is a little of what to expect when you have a teenager :eek: :eek:

All the very best. Remember you're not your dad. You are YOU!

MM xxx

Hermann

Melly you sound like you're doing a great job with your son, he's happy and well balanced at nursery, a sign of some good parenting.

You're organised and putting the effort in, not every single parent goes out and gets a job, or organises a nursery place.

His behavior and being annoying sound all very normal and there is some great advice in this thread for dealing with 3 year olds.

However from your posts you sound like you may have some unresolved issues from the past and also a very low self esteem.
If thats the case then I think you are right to seek seek some help.

You say you suffered abuse yourself from your father, its important to remember this did not happen because something is wrong with you nor is it your fault.
I'd suggest its important you try to reach some form of resolution for these past issues perhaps through counseling.

If you are aware of and tackle these issues then you can break the cycle and your son can grow up without the problems you fear.
It can be as simple as learning a different coping mechanism, you may have learnt to cope in a certain way in the past but now you are an adult with your own family and you can choose to cope in a different way. A counsellor could help you with this.

Often its a vicious circle, you worry so much about passing on the same problems it just seems to make it happen all the more. You can stop this, just recognising its happening is half the battle won.

Remember there is nothing wrong with you or your son, the ones with the problem are those who abused you.

Also tackle that self esteem, you sound like a great person who's having a tough time.
Concentrate on all the good things, how much you have achieved to get to today, all the good things about your son and remember he's only made it this far because you are such a good parent.

Give yourself a pat on the back and clear up the past, the future will be a lot better.

mae

Please don't take offense to this but this doesn't sound like it is your son who is naughty but more a reaction to how you treat/behave towards him. Although I know you already know this reading between the lines.

Please please do not beat yourself up, infact give yourself a break. You are struggling emotionally with unresolved issues from the past and you must be feeling worn down by that alone never mind having to deal with a 3 year old.

I believe as do many others that the first step to turning things round for the better is being aware there is a problem, acknowledging it and then taking the correct steps towards that. However I also beleive in babysteps as you cannot heal over night so it takes samll steps in the right direction.

You sound like a good mum to me just by admitting you think it may be you, thats not an eay thing to admit for any of us parents and we all have made mistakes but you have the added pressure of dealing with some issues so be kind to yourself. Maybe you are resentful of your son as because you are looking after him you don't seem to have the time to deal with yourself.

I agree you should see your doctor and also check if there are any voluntary counselling organisations who can help too.. you clearly need someone to talk to.
While you are waiting to see someone may I suggest you start writing a diary? It doesn't have to make any sense just pour your feelings out onto paper, you will be amazed at how much this can help. Just buy a nice pad and update it whenever you feel the need but try to stick to feelings not saying I did this today or that today more stick with how you have been feeling.

As for your son try and get some quality break time from him and also try and make some special quality time with him each day even if it is just ten minutes drawing with or a quick walk and talk or hide and seek. Ten minutes isn't lond so I am sure you can fit that in each day if not more and you will be surprised how much he values it and also how much better it makes you feel even if the rest of the day isn't perfect you will have had a window of 'nice' time with your son that will fill a little hole emotionally for both of you.

Again please don't be hard on yourself be proud that you have admitted you are struggling and despite what example you have been set by your father you are obviously different because you ahve acknowledged it well done you.
Good luck

bre16

hi i dont normaly reply to the posts in forums but when i read this it sounded like me talking, i was also abused both physicaly and emotionaly by my dad, i have two children the older boy is very difficult and i feel that i dont like him and altough i dont like to admit it i think i probably feel resentfull, i just wanted to let you know your not alone

snowmaid

If every mother is honest on here, not one will be able to deny that there have been times when they haven't 'liked' their child! :rotfl:

I will always love my children, no matter what, but lets face it, when they are being tiresome little monsters, it is not easy to 'like' them! Love them yes!

We need to be firm, put our own emotional baggage away, if we were emotionally / physically abused, ensure we don't do the same to our children.

nzmegs

My son also drove me mad at that age and to be honest he continued to do so for another 2 years. I felt that i tried everything but really nothing was consistent. I would try one approach for 2 weeks and then another - no wonder he was confused! I found myself being a "perfect" mum when around other people but at home I was sometimes awful and I shudder to think about those times. I don't believe i was physically abusive but I did give smacks and now i wish i hadn't. But actually it is the shouting i regret most.
We decided eventually on a set of house rules which we put up on the wall in huge writing and left them there for more than a year. The whole family had to keep to them and the most important rule was "no shouting". I found that keeping my voice down made me keep my cool.
My son is now 8 and has become a lovely boy who I am learning to love more all the time. I still get frustrated by him and the way I acted towards him in the past sometimes comes back to bite (when he gets very upset and refuses to talk to me) but I have just decided to focus on his positives and I have discovered he is very bright and enquiring. He loves to challenge people on why they believe things and he will not be told what to do if there is not a good reason for it. I admire these qualities now as strengths and in an adult they would be seen as assets.
Please try to love at least one part of your son. Focus on that one part, nuture it. Maybe he draws lovely pictures or loves to sing at the top of his lungs. rather than allowing it to annoy you - join in.
Above all stop worrying about what others think. Your child will embarrass you because all children do - but you have the choice not to embarrass your self by behaving badly towards your child.

On another note. I saw a mother in tesco recently with a screaming girl of about 5. The mother was swearing at her at the top of her lungs. Literally screaming abuse telling her to shut up etc. Then a funny thing happened - about 5 or 6 mothers (myself included) just went and stood nearby. We didn't say anything, just stood there and made our presense known. The mother realised she couldn't continue all the shouting and actually began to talk rationally to the girl who also calmed down. the situation didn't need further enflaming simply the knowledge that these other mothers were there to make sure things didn't go too far.

happymoneysaver79

((((HUGS)))) for you. You are not a bad parent. If you was, you wouldn't be posting your concerns on here. Look after yourself, give yourself some 'me time', stop hating yourself and setting standards that are too high and you will have wone half the battle. You really do need some support and or councelling to help you through this time in your life to build your self esteem and to give you strength. a lot of people can look back at their childhood and find things that were wrong, just by looking at some of the replies on here you can see that you are not alone and obviously no one can comment on your particular experiences but please try and look to the future and not to the past and realise that even if you have inherited / learnt distructive behavior from your father, with practice you can learn to handle this behaviour and move on.

My dd is almost 2 and drives me round the bend most days, I have support, a stable upbringing (to a degree) and a partner, and I am thankful for this but there have been times, particularly in the early days when I could have walked, I have cried (and still do) in secret for days about this and that and I have experienced some degree of resentment about loss of freedom, giving up work, my fat !!!!, lack of friends in the same situation as myself etc, motherhood is wonderful in many ways and I would not change a thing but it can be very isolating especially if you have no close friends to talk to and if you feel that your feelings arn't normal.

You have probably let these feeling build up with no outlet for your frustrations for too long. Break each issue down, and try, with help from a councellor or on this board if you need to, to resolve each problem step by step.

I wish you all the best, you are doing great if you are keeping it all together on your own and remember there is no one on this earth your son would rather be with than you. If you ever need to chat pm me x