Failing as a parent :(

melly84

Hi all
I am in a bit of a pants situation.
I have a 3 year old and am at the end of my teather, not just with him, but with myself
I know that half of the problems are my fault too but i just feel like i'm stuck in a rut.
I work part time and my son attends a day nursery which he absolutely loves, but when he's at home i struggle to keep control and end up shouting and constantly feel like i'm saying no :rolleyes:
If we go out anywhere such as the shops he just goes mad, running off, toucing everything, not listening, i try to get him to help with the shopping, but it doesnt last very long.
How can i stop him from running off and get him to listen?
I am ashamed to say that more often than not i dont actually like him, and most things he does annoys me, mum says i'm resentful toward him, and that makes me feel so guilty coz i think it's true
PLease dont think i'm an evil bad person because i'm not, i was mentally abused by my father and i think i'll probably be doijg the same with my son, another guilt thing.
I bet you all think i'm terrible, i just want to be able to learn to deal with things without flying off the handle.
I'm on my own and always have been but thats no excuse as there are thosands if not millions of single parents and i bet they dont all behave like monsters too
I dont kno what to do anymore, i'm even considering letting my son live with my mum because i'm scared i'm goijng to breed a messed up child like i was, plase dont hate me everyone, noone can hate me as much as i hate myself

Sola

Please don't hate yourself - it must be terribly tough being a single parent. What interaction do you have with other Mums?

melly84

I know quite a few mums, but not to hang around with. i've got a few neighbours with same aged children and my cousin has 2 children the same age range as my son.

snails's_pace

wel id be proud of myself,juggling work and a 3 year old. Give yourself a pat on the back for starters.
Secondly, remember WE CAN'T DO IT ALL!! even trying to keep everything balanced is dammed hard.
What sort of support network do you have around you?
Also, listening to other people in similar situations would be a comfort,by that I mean you would feel like you're not the only one. 3 year olds are a mare,they're becoming little independent people but not old enough for school,so we see this rebellious side to them.
You're not alone, try to get some advice from other parents around you .
It won't go on forever.

Little_Mama

Hi Melly 84,

Is your little boy good at his nursery?

He could just be testing the boundaries with you, I've a 3 year old who is just as you've described and there are days when he must think his middle name is 'No'. I think there are more of us going through what you are than you may realise.

You could try a little reward chart. I've started it for both my children targetting little annoying things they were doing and more major things like toiletting. I've set targets like, if they get so many ticks each fortnight then they'll get a little something, nothing major. My youngest now asks "will i get a tick for this" when I find him tidying up and it's given him a sense of achievement.

Even with all of this, there are days when I think all I've heard is the sound of my own voice, main thing is to try to keep positive, you're doing a good job, if you didn't care you wouldn't mind about what he was doing.

Good luck and best wishes
LM

vik6525

Aw honey... Have a ((hug))....
You're not failing as a parent you dafty! You're a NORMAL parent!
Theres not a mother in the world who doesnt feel like you do. I promise. Im a single mum too, and i feel sometimes like i spend half my life shouting at my son. Its tough being on your own, it really is....
When my son was about your little ones age, i had a bit of a breakdown, and, like you, i thought he'd be better off with ANYONE other than me. But I took some time, and realised that, even though the little sod drove me up the wall (and still does!) the only person good enough to look after him was me.

I've gotta ask, apart from work, do you have any 'me time' if you know what i mean?

melly84

snails's_pace wrote: »

wel id be proud of myself,juggling work and a 3 year old. Give yourself a pat on the back for starters.
Secondly, remember WE CAN'T DO IT ALL!! even trying to keep everything balanced is dammed hard.
What sort of support network do you have around you?
Also, listening to other people in similar situations would be a comfort,by that I mean you would feel like you're not the only one. 3 year olds are a mare,they're becoming little independent people but not old enough for school,so we see this rebellious side to them.
You're not alone, try to get some advice from other parents around you .
It won't go on forever.

Thanks, i dont have much support, not rally any family or anything that can help.

lab-lover

yes, dont be so hard hard on yourself!! we"re only human. kids test you all the time and thinking back mine did and probably 3 was the age at which it is heightened. shes 10 now but of course she tests me now still. bribery and rewards are good. i remember going supermarket shopping and the having the feeling that i constantly had to talk to her and distract her, trying to anticipate a mass brawl. it did work, and i suppose shops will seem like a huge playground to kids.

for what its worth i think you are amazing, working part-time, being a single mum is not the easiest thing in the world.

Anyway ive come to the conclusion the being a mum = feeling guilty. but mostly it is a joy and rewarding. take care and give yourself a huge pat on the back!!! xxx

melly84

Little_Mama wrote: »

Hi Melly 84,

Is your little boy good at his nursery? Yes, they have no problems with him, he adores it there and is forever painting and drawing so i guess he's kept quite busy.

He could just be testing the boundaries with you, I've a 3 year old who is just as you've described and there are days when he must think his middle name is 'No'. I think there are more of us going through what you are than you may realise.

You could try a little reward chart. I've started it for both my children targetting little annoying things they were doing and more major things like toiletting. I've set targets like, if they get so many ticks each fortnight then they'll get a little something, nothing major. My youngest now asks "will i get a tick for this" when I find him tidying up and it's given him a sense of achievement. I have been looking at reward charts, he's good with toileting and eating so am unsure what other tasks i could put on there, i'm so crap at this, i should never have been a mum, i'm not cut out for it.

Even with all of this, there are days when I think all I've heard is the sound of my own voice, main thing is to try to keep positive, you're doing a good job, if you didn't care you wouldn't mind about what he was doing.

Good luck and best wishes
LM

TBH i'm more concerned with my behaviour and feelings than my son, as i'm pretty sure if i was different i'd cope more, doctors just always fob me off and i tried to get anger management but apparently they dont offer the service anymore.

Becles

melly84 wrote: »

If we go out anywhere such as the shops he just goes mad, running off, toucing everything, not listening, i try to get him to help with the shopping, but it doesnt last very long.

To be fair, shopping is boring for 3 year olds! The best thing to do is involve him as much as you can so he doesn't get bored. Let him pick things, such as what variety of apples and help him count them into a bag, or ask what he fancies for tea then tell him the ingredients to look out for.

If he acts up, grab his wrist firmly - tight enough so he doesn't slip away, but not tight enough to cause a mark. Hold on, and just completely ignore him. It's hard and you will get stares from other shoppers, but ignore them too. He'll scream and yell, but when he realises you are not going to give him any attention he should stop. Once he has calmed down again, go back to picking apples or whatever as if nothing has happened.

This worked with mine when they were little.

I also did similar in the house. Ignore tantrums and then reward good behaviour by doing things like playing games - even if it's just I-spy or something simple like that.

melly84

vik6525 wrote: »

Aw honey... Have a ((hug))....
You're not failing as a parent you dafty! You're a NORMAL parent!
Theres not a mother in the world who doesnt feel like you do. I promise. Im a single mum too, and i feel sometimes like i spend half my life shouting at my son. Its tough being on your own, it really is....
When my son was about your little ones age, i had a bit of a breakdown, and, like you, i thought he'd be better off with ANYONE other than me. But I took some time, and realised that, even though the little sod drove me up the wall (and still does!) the only person good enough to look after him was me.

I've gotta ask, apart from work, do you have any 'me time' if you know what i mean?

I havent for a good many months, but am now starting to get my babysitter back.