Failing as a parent :(

melly84

Becles wrote: »

To be fair, shopping is boring for 3 year olds! The best thing to do is involve him as much as you can so he doesn't get bored. Let him pick things, such as what variety of apples and help him count them into a bag, or ask what he fancies for tea then tell him the ingredients to look out for.

If he acts up, grab his wrist firmly - tight enough so he doesn't slip away, but not tight enough to cause a mark. Hold on, and just completely ignore him. It's hard and you will get stares from other shoppers, but ignore them too. He'll scream and yell, but when he realises you are not going to give him any attention he should stop. Once he has calmed down again, go back to picking apples or whatever as if nothing has happened.

This worked with mine when they were little.

I also did similar in the house. Ignore tantrums and then reward good behaviour by doing things like playing games - even if it's just I-spy or something simple like that.

Oh blimey, i dont take him food shopping, i just mean up the local shop, it's a rare accurence as i try to get anything i need when e's at school, but for instance i had to go up there to get a prescription, and he just played up, i feel like everyone is watching me and judging me, and i'm damed if i do, damed if i dont.

heather38

do you have a surestart centre near you? they often run groups for all age groups and are great for meeting other mums. or a local park? scary starting up a conversation at first but you just need to go for it, often churches run groups as well, even if it's just to get you out of the house.

fsdss

hi melly

dont feel guilty - no ones perfect and i bet all the mums who visit here on the forum have felt like you do at some point or another but giving credit to you - you are acknowledging it!

the key to parenting is managing various stages of development and adjusting your reactions to the situation which has presented itself to you. your child appears to be behaving appropriately for age (i.e pushing your buttons to gain a reaction whether shouting at him or whatever). it sounds like you need to learn how to deal with him to throw him off the reaction / stimuli.

where in the country do you live? if you are in leicestershire i can help (indirectly) you to get free professional guidance and help.

Little_Mama

Hi Melly

Firstly (((((hug)))))

If you wanted to try the reward chart and your little boy likes drawing, perhaps he could design his own chart.

My two chose some of their reward things, some are a simple as "Get myself dressed". They've got about 6 each.

I didn't come up with the idea, I was sitting at an after-school club despairing when a friend came up with the suggestion.

You could both have one. I've got one for biting my nails! My two love it if they catch me out.

Take heart in the fact that it's because he knows you love him that he will behave like this.

Good old counting to 10 sometimes works too, when I feel fit to burst.

And forget the do-gooders looking on in shops, the other day it Tesco it looked like mine was cleaning the floor as he hung on behind me, then some old dear started to chat to him asking him what was wrong......she soon clocked a paddington bear glare and scuttled off to the next aisle. They are just not being honest with themselves if they think their kids didn't do that at some point in their life.

LM
x

sarymclary

Hi Melly,
I'm a single mum of 4, and it's tough, no doubt about it. Being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever have to do. It takes patience, patience, patience, and when you're all out of that, more patience!

Reading between the lines of your first post, I get the feeling you don't believe your son is the problem. You've got doubts about your parenting skills, and how you are as a person. OK, well join the club!

Seriously though, don't get to a point where you don't feel you can cope anymore. Get support and help for yourself. It might be worthwhile contacting these guys: http://www.gingerbread.org.uk/ they have a freefone number to call, and could definitely point you in the right direction for more local support.

There's nothing worse than feeling isolated, and worrying that you're near to a breaking point. Are you scared you'll lose control and hurt your boy? If so, then work on some techniques to calm yourself down. I found leaving the room, regardless of what was going on, what I'd been doing, or what my sons were doing; walk into the garden, lock yourself in the bathroom, in the store cupboard, wherever you can get 30 seconds alone. Close your eyes, breathe really deeply, and slowly, and focus on calming yourself down. It's only in the heat of the moment, when you're getting more angry and more irrational that you'll 'flip'. Try to notice when this is happening, keep yourself in check, and use your calm down technique.

By doing this calming down, your son will learn from you that 'flipping out', and losing control are not acceptable aspects of behaviour. Try to keep your voice quieter when you are telling him off, don't stand over him, but come down to his eye level, speak firmly, but calmly when you tell him not to do something, or to behave, and reaffirm a consequence (punishment if you like) for his bad behaviour if it doesn't stop. I have used a performance chart, drawn up on the PC and printed off, where my kids can earn a smiley face for good behaviour, or for doing something fab (like putting shoes away without being asked, remembering to brush teeth, putting plates in dishwasher, etc), if they get 3 smiley faces in 1 day, they earn a big love heart (mummy's super love). If they do something wrong, and don't respond to warnings (they get 2 chances to improve in any situation), they get a sad face, 3 sad faces in one day earns a huge black cross. I also like to put a speech bubble, like in cartoons, beside a face on the chart saying what fab/negative thing they did, so last week for example, my youngest got an 'I lied to mummy' sad face, but also got a 'I tidied my room' face.

The reward for my lot is an extra £2 pocket money each week, but that's because I needed to find something that all age ranges could respond to and want to earn. With your son it might be a trip to feed the ducks at the park, or something he'd love to do, where the focus is on him and his treat.

Sounds to me like you're trying your best to do a good job, and the best thing is you are more than aware of how you are behaving, which is not someone who is wanting to cause mental abuse.

Keep trying, it does pay off, and there are weeks at a time when it can seem relentless in keeping kids on track, but then they do learn to live within the boundaries (for a bit!) and you'll have easier times.

melly84

Thank you so much for all your replies, i have to log off now but will reply in depth later on.
I have just phoned the doctors again, and i'm not goin to take no for an answer, i need councelling to deal with everything whats happened in my life from dad to the situation around my sons dad as i havent fully come to terms with any of it
Thank you MSErs xxx :A

duchy

First of all Have a HUG ! Every parent goes through these kind of doubts at one time or another-even though some people would rather die than admit it !! Kudos to you for your honesty.
How much attention do you give him ?
I'm a single mum and I know sometimes it's hard to give kids the attention when you have a lot to do and for some kids playing up gets them attention-you may be "flipping out" but they are the focus of your attention then-right ?
When my son was three he had the most enormous tantrums I learned NOT to reward them. I would stay calm, ask him to stop , sometimes remove him from the situation and then remain silent (except for calmly telling him to stop) so not "rewarding" the bad behaviour. Once he stopped I would then talk to him so he got the "reward" of my attention when he was behaving instead.
It isn't easy-especially when you first try it-but it does work.
Have you talked to nursery about what sanctions THEY use and perhaps mirror them so he is working to the same "rules" at home-like timeout,naughty step-that kind of thing. Even if they don't use them on him at nursery he will know what they are.
Things WILL get better. Does your local council have and under 5's advice line-many do and sponsor "parenting classes" aimed at building parents self esteem and help them with EXACTLY what you are going through.
This is going to sound a bit funny but the "Nanny" TV programmes use a lot of these techniques-made me laugh when I saw it and realised how many of their stratagies I used in the past but it can be useful to see if any of them could work for you and give you some ideas. (Also makes you realise you aren't the only Mum struggling with these issues )

a1969baby

Hi Melly

Big hugs to you

Being a single parent is very hard work indeed, so try not to be so hard on yourself.

Have you thought about having a Home-Start Volunteer? They can provide support for you.. emotional, moral and practical, and signpost you to other organisations that may be able to help too.

If you look here http://www.home-start.org.uk/ you can read a bit more about it and see if there is one in your area, you can either get your GP or Health visitor to refer you, or you can refer yourself.

Best of luck xxx

misswig

melly84 wrote: »

Hi all
I am in a bit of a pants situation.
I have a 3 year old and am at the end of my teather, not just with him, but with myself
I know that half of the problems are my fault too but i just feel like i'm stuck in a rut.
I work part time and my son attends a day nursery which he absolutely loves, but when he's at home i struggle to keep control and end up shouting and constantly feel like i'm saying no :rolleyes:
If we go out anywhere such as the shops he just goes mad, running off, toucing everything, not listening, i try to get him to help with the shopping, but it doesnt last very long.
How can i stop him from running off and get him to listen?
I am ashamed to say that more often than not i dont actually like him, and most things he does annoys me, mum says i'm resentful toward him, and that makes me feel so guilty coz i think it's true
PLease dont think i'm an evil bad person because i'm not, i was mentally abused by my father and i think i'll probably be doijg the same with my son, another guilt thing.
I bet you all think i'm terrible, i just want to be able to learn to deal with things without flying off the handle.
I'm on my own and always have been but thats no excuse as there are thosands if not millions of single parents and i bet they dont all behave like monsters too
I dont kno what to do anymore, i'm even considering letting my son live with my mum because i'm scared i'm goijng to breed a messed up child like i was, plase dont hate me everyone, noone can hate me as much as i hate myself

Dont hate yourself melly

I am in the exact same situation as you-single mum of a 3 year old, work full time (just applied for reduction in hours tho:j ) all family live away but are supportive in every way they can be. son in nursery full time which i hate but he loves.

My son sounds exactly like yours, full of energy and really testing the boundries- somedays he doesn't seem to be off the naughty step and i think the most frequent word used in the house is 'no'!!

somedays i feel like you- like the worst parent on the planet, what am i doing to him mentally by always telling him off, he must really hate me for always telling him no, i never seem to get enough quality time with him (because he is on the step or sulking because i have told him he cant play with knifes/ kick the cat/jump on the furniture/or play with his trumpet at 6.30am{what was i thinking?!}etc)

Then there are some days when nothing seems to go right- you've fallen out with the neighbours because they were woken at 6.30am by a trumpet, the cats sulking because it's been kicked so it has retaliated by throwing up on the dining table(:eek: ) or your late for work becase your car keys are buried in the back garden and sometimes i feel very harried, stressed and even sometimes a little resentful that my life is not how i imagined it was going to be.

And then i (or my mum) gives me a kick and makes me realise that i'm doing good, that my son is a normal healthy 3 year old and all parents feel like that sometimes. Sometimes the kick i need is when my son wants cuddle and will sy 'i love you very much mummy' and give me a kiss and i realise that i cant be doing it all wrong

You sound like you are doing a good job, dont give up. Be proud of the fact that you have done it on your own for 3 years:T :T and enjoy your little boy

aeuerby

There has been as usual some excellent advice on here!:D:D:T:T

One thing I would add though is you must must must be consistant with your child.
For example: Your child has a tantrum or whatever and you put him on the naughty step on a monday
He has another tantrum on Tuesday but you choose to do nothing.

This then confuses the child and makes them "play up" more.
Whatever punishment/consequence you decide on or indeed treat, you must use it everytime no matter how tired or frustrated you get. It will take time and patience but it does work.