Failing as a parent :(

conradmum

Melly, your post struck a few chords with me. I don't have a lot of time to post now, but one thing that really helped with ds3's behaviour was a daily dose of fish oil. We started giving him a teaspoon of eyeq oil in orange juice when he'd just turned two and we were at the end of our tethers. He wasnt sleeping and behaved quite badly during the day. We just couldn't seem to reach him, iykwim, in the way I'd been able to with ds1 and 2.
He quite quickly started sleeping much better (no more two hours getting him to sleep at night!) and he became much calmer. If he doesn't have the oil for a few days he's back to his old self.
Don't feel bad - as you said, others will judge you no matter what you do. My mother has told me she just used to put me in a pram propped up so I could see what was going on and I didn't utter a peep all day! Amazing how selective some people's memories can be!
Regarding repeating the pattern of the way you were brought up - I found something that helped me was when I found myself behaving like my mother rather than me, I would stop, back off and rethink the situation.
Hugs to you - you obviously care. You're just struggling to do a very difficult job well.

Carmina_Piranha_3

hi, have a massive hug from me! and feel free to join the bad mothers thread

this brings back memories from when my little darling was 3. you're not a bad mother but some children are just more difficult to cope with than others - it doesn't mean he'll always be a struggle. i'm more 'with-it' second time around and have noticed that the mums who stare or criticise don't have the sort of child who's hard work.

even though he's good at nursery that doesn't mean it's something you're doing 'wrong' when the two of you are together. it's a 2-way thing. there are ways you can deal with it more effectively, but don't take advice the wrong way. it's tough looking after a 'difficult' child and you get stuck in certain ways of responding because you're just too mentally exhausted to see the wood for the trees. it doesn't mean you're a rubbish mum, you just need a bit of support and guidance in the best ways of changing the way the two of you interact.

what does the health visitor say? i got the help i needed after the 2 year check, she thought he was autistic. part of the intervention was a behaviour psychologist and he taught me that i wasn't a rubbish mum, i just needed to change the way we interacted.

it was many years ago and i was in a drugged fog of post natal depression at the time so i couldn't for the life of me remember what he said to me. but he did say that things would get better and not to beat myself up for 'failing'.

sorry this is a huge post with no advice :rotfl: where's your nearest surestart centre? they run parenting courses. does your mum want to take care of your son? if so could she help out part-time with him? maybe while you go to college or to a gym, or anything to give you some 'me' time.

kodokan

When my son was 2, I felt quite smug, because MY child didn't have tantrums in supermarkets and was generally well behaved and obedient. 'It's the parents,' I thought, 'they must just not be managing theirs properly'. WELL, fortunately I kept that thought to myself, because did it ever come back to bite me when he turned 3!!

All his interactions with me from 3-4 seemed to have this unspoken subtext of '...so what are you going to do about it, then, heh? Heh?' Like a very small aggressive drunk, spoiling for a fight. Alllllll the time. I clearly remember on several occasions having to go and be in a different room to protect him from me, and me from the crushing guilt I'd feel after... whatever I might do to him.

This feeling of wanting to rip their arms off and beat them round the head with the soggy ends is reeeally common, especially with boys of this age - testosterone surge, apparently - but you have to be quite good friends with someone, or anonymous to talk about it. Lots of excellent advice on this thread, so hope things get better soon, as they invariably will as he gets closer to 4. I remember a delightful day with my son, around 4 or perhaps 5, when we were in town shopping and I suddenly realised I was having a better time because he was with me than I would have had if I'd left him home with DH and came on my own!

kodokan

tiamai_d

Oh melly, this was me just a few months ago!

My eldest has just turned 6, and, I felt like I really did not like him at all! It was horrible. And you feel so guilty.

But trust me, now that you have came out and said it, things will start to get better!

For me, the sticker chart approach worked. Not just to encourage his good behavior, but (more importantly to me) to remind me that my son DID do good things. Each little star is a HAPPY POINT. One moment that I was happy and proud of my son. When they start to build up (first week he go 4) its such a huge step forward.

That's not to say that I am all better, far from it. But I now realise that I need time to myself. I need the kids to be in bed for 8pm, I need time when it is just me alone, no husband, no kids, no one. I also need time as a family, out the house, no housework or shops, just time in the park or whatever.

You will get through it. Start a diary. At the end of each day write in it 'Today Darling Child did this, and I was proud'. Do not put any of the bad things, this diary is to remind you that your child is wonderful and special, not to remind you that he spilt nail varnish on your new leather sofa (that was the younger one).

Try and reward any positive thing, even if it was saying thank you for a biscuit or a drink. Every little helps, but what it does it teaches you to notice the good stuff, the best way of helping him to behave is for you to feel that he can behave, while you feel so bad, you wont feel like that and he will know.

Hope this makes sense, I'm babbling!

Savvy_Sue

Talk to your Health Visitor, you're certainly not the only mum who feels this way and there may be parenting classes locally which would help you realise that however bad your son is, someone else's is just as bad!

kizzykizzywizzy

Please please don't beat yourself up, my son has just turned 4, but it is only recently he has started to behave.
He screamed all the time, I mean ALL THE TIME, I hated going anywhere with him, because grumpy old women would tut & make coments.
My Daughter 2 years older was so different, could take her anywhere, they are all different.
My Son had problems with speech, & i think the screaming was pure frustration, don't know what the excuse was when he was a baby!, but as he has progresed with his speech, he has definately improved, they also checked his hearing, as that can hold back speech & cause frustration. You may want to get this checked.
I absolutely love my Son & when I get a cuddle from him, it is all the more special as he never wanted to cuddle me either, he was 2 before he said Mummy. It's taken a long time, but he is a lovely boy now, but when he was younger, I could've quite easily have given him away! which sounds awful now, but it's true. ( my friend said the same about her son, poss postnatal depression with her )
Please don't blame yourself, you've got a lot to handle & no parent is perfect, you can only do your best.
I used to ring my husband up regularly in tears, he works away now, lucky thing! so I look after both of them for weeks with no help or break, but at least I get help when he is home, & it isn't for ever.
Easier said than done, but - don't react, once you do the battle is lost - IGNORE good luck

caseystar

Hi melly,
my son is 3 and sounds exactly the same as yours, sometimes i honestly dont know where he gets the energy from. No is the most used word in our house aswell.
When he starts picking things up in the shop we play the actions game. Put your hands on your head etc touch your nose etc etc find mummy some peas, carrots, bread etc aswell as silly things that make him laugh. Yeah we get odd looks but it does stop the tantrums and he has fun for at least 5 minutes while i get on with things.
((Hugs)) go out to you hun x

Carmina_Piranha_3

it's only one year before he goes to school full time and you'll have 6 hours a day for yourself. you'll be able to swim, go for long walks etc. maybe go to college, read parenting books or attend courses if needs be etc.

or just relax

lynzpower

I used to be a social worker, and Ive worked with parents who - without being insensitive- used to veer towards "mental abuse" of children.

There are a few HOT points, as I call them. Do you ever say things like "I hate you" or "i wish you werent here" or anything like that? Im not judging, Im sure it crosses every parents mind, but to say it out loud can be very damaging ( as you would understand)

To counteract these feelings there are a few tips and tricks you should try- really to boost your own confidence.

As others say- have a reward chart for yourself. Everytime theres a swear word or similar on your lips, count to ten and think of an alternative way of saying it. For example

"I hate it when you kick off in the supermarket" to :
"I love it when you are a good boy for mummy and hold my hand nicely, It makes me so proud of you"

What about focusing more on the more positive things that happen -a scrap book for yourself and your boy - today we went to the park and you kicked the ball" "heres some leaves you found by yourself" and so forth. It will help you focus on the positives, not the negatives. Most days, I bet there are a few good things that happen eating all his food, tidying his toys away, helping mummy by doing bits and pieces. If there isnt then a star chart is a fantastic idea, and you'll BOTH see the results.

I echo what others have said, you feel you are not cut out for the job and you should never have been a mum. End of the day, the situation is here, lets make the best of it. You can be a brilliant mum you just need to allow yourself to think it, evidence all you are doing to yourself and maybe seek out support from gingerbread, parentline or sure start, where you can relate to other mums and get some me time for yourself

Best of luck & keep us informed how you go on
Lynz
x

conradmum

Oh dear.... That's reminded me of something I saw the other day. A mum was screaming at her 9/10 year old boy, so loudly that I could hear what she was saying from 100m away, and the surrounding houses (it was on a recreation ground) were echoing the sound of her voice.
The she finished by shoving him on the ground and screaming "That's it! I've finished with you! Don't come home!" and walked off.
I'm nearly in tears thinking of it.
Should I have followed her home and told Social Services where she lived, Lynzpower?