Being excluded from events because your partner is not liked...

Noctu

We didn't invite my husband's brother's on/off girlfriend to our wedding. At the time of sending out invites, and for 6 months prior, they were very much 'off' - they have a child together so still had contact, but brother was very much 'enjoying the company' of at least three other women.

On/off girlfriend was also a complete nightmare, nasty piece of work who had been violent to him a few times, locked him out of the house after arguments, emotional blackmail, etc... and had also been pretty nasty with me and my hubby.

So given all of the above, and the fact that they were not together, we decided not to invite her to the wedding. We just invited hubby's brother and his (their) child.

Invite went out in the January for a May wedding (it was bank hol so decided to invite early). The whatsit hit the fan. Apparently we should have invited her as "they were trying to get back together" (not sure how that works), she's the mother of his child so should receive an invite... and the best one - hubby's mother threatened that she would not come to the wedding unless we invited her. (Not because she liked on/off girlfriend, rather that she didn't want the two brothers 'fighting' and thought we should just invite her to save any arguments).

We don't take too kindly to being blackmailed so stood our ground. We told hubby's mother that she'd show herself up - rather than showing us up - if she didn't come. And that it was our wedding, being financed by ourselves with help from my mum, and didn't really have a right to dictate our guest list.

On/off girlfriend didn't come, brother and child begrudgingly came, and the mother came... and we had a great day!

Fast forward 5 years and they are still on/off, more on than off but brother still sleeps at his parents at least one night per week for some reason, and they don't appear to be very happy. *shrug*

Person_one

Peter333 wrote: »

Yeah I don't think she should fuss either, but this does need to be sorted...

Why do you think it needs to be sorted? The couple getting married haven't done anything wrong, and bringing it up at all is just going to cause a lot of ill feeling and make life difficult for the young dating couple, who definitely haven't done anything to deserve that!

If anything, the couple getting married should be annoyed at their insensitive friend who couldn't keep their mouth shut, but in your friend's eyes she did her a favour by letting her know that its her husband and his bad behaviour at the root of the issue.

Peter333

Person_one wrote: »

Why do you think it needs to be sorted? The couple getting married haven't done anything wrong, and bringing it up at all is just going to cause a lot of ill feeling and make life difficult for the young dating couple, who definitely haven't done anything to deserve that!

If anything, the couple getting married should be annoyed at their insensitive friend who couldn't keep their mouth shut, but in your friend's eyes she did her a favour by letting her know that its her husband and his bad behaviour at the root of the issue.

Oh no, I mean she needs to sort it with her husband. And yeah, it was a bit insensitive for the 'friend' to tell her. Although, this was more of an acquaintance actually, who 'thought she should know...'

And yeah you're right that the couple who got married have done nothing wrong.

It's a very awkward situation.

Dill

Well, I suppose at least she knows the reason.. She can't exactly change her husband's personality though.

Peter333

PasturesNew wrote: »

Serves them right if he's an 4rse .... to be blunt.

They can't be oblivious to the fact he's an utter bore.

Maybe not a bore, but very obnoxious, loud, and opinionated. :rotfl:

Well maybe a bit of a bore....

SuzieSue wrote: »

What kind of relationship do they have if she hasn't already told him that he is loud and self-opinionated (assuming that she thinks that he is)?

If it was my partner I would have told him the first time he was like that.

Good point! I don't think she was aware of how other people felt about him until now!

Noctu wrote: »

We didn't invite my husband's brother's on/off girlfriend to our wedding. At the time of sending out invites, and for 6 months prior, they were very much 'off' - they have a child together so still had contact, but brother was very much 'enjoying the company' of at least three other women.

On/off girlfriend was also a complete nightmare, nasty piece of work who had been violent to him a few times, locked him out of the house after arguments, emotional blackmail, etc... and had also been pretty nasty with me and my hubby.

So given all of the above, and the fact that they were not together, we decided not to invite her to the wedding. We just invited hubby's brother and his (their) child.

Invite went out in the January for a May wedding (it was bank hol so decided to invite early). The whatsit hit the fan. Apparently we should have invited her as "they were trying to get back together" (not sure how that works), she's the mother of his child so should receive an invite... and the best one - hubby's mother threatened that she would not come to the wedding unless we invited her. (Not because she liked on/off girlfriend, rather that she didn't want the two brothers 'fighting' and thought we should just invite her to save any arguments).

We don't take too kindly to being blackmailed so stood our ground. We told hubby's mother that she'd show herself up - rather than showing us up - if she didn't come. And that it was our wedding, being financed by ourselves with help from my mum, and didn't really have a right to dictate our guest list.

On/off girlfriend didn't come, brother and child begrudgingly came, and the mother came... and we had a great day!

Fast forward 5 years and they are still on/off, more on than off but brother still sleeps at his parents at least one night per week for some reason, and they don't appear to be very happy. *shrug*

Glad you stood you ground!

Peter333

Dill wrote: »

Well, I suppose at least she knows the reason.. She can't exactly change her husband's personality though.

That is true Dill. And he is decent husband, and a good provider and treats her well etc, so it is awfully tricky. As I said, she has only just found all this out, so it's still raw. And she doesn't know what to do - if anything.....

Just wondered - as I said - if others had experienced the same.

Thanks for your stories.

Off to watch the new Red Dwarf now.

Back later...

Person_one

Peter333 wrote: »

Oh no, I mean she needs to sort it with her husband.

Ah right.

Yep, completely agree on that one. Surprised its never come up before to be honest.

theoretica

I am curious if she feels more upset at having quietly been left out than she would have been at a blunt invite to her but not him. People often assume invites are for the couple so it would probaby need to be fairly explicit to ensure there wasn't a risk of the unwanted partner coming.

SuzieSue

Judi wrote: »

Yes, at both my daughters wedding receptions hubby managed to upset someone.

We tend to be kept at arms length now.

I like your attitude! What did he do?

Peter333

Judi wrote: »

Yes, at both my daughters wedding receptions hubby managed to upset someone.

We tend to be kept at arms length now.

Oh no, sorry to hear that Judi.

theoretica wrote: »

I am curious if she feels more upset at having quietly been left out than she would have been at a blunt invite to her but not him. People often assume invites are for the couple so it would probably need to be fairly explicit to ensure there wasn't a risk of the unwanted partner coming.

Good point. There is no easy answer to it is there.

Our friend and her husband were both not invited, but it would not have been any better if she had been invited and he hadn't! :eek:

Judi wrote: »

Well the first was a single sex marriage. At the reception he happened to tell our daughter that he didnt believe in it. It didnt bother my daughter but upset her partner.

The second, he'd called one of our daughters friends an old trout on one of our daughters Facebook post a few weeks before our daughters wedding, not realizing that she could read what he'd said. Anyway, this 'old trout' caught up with him at the wedding reception and gave him a mouthful that he deserved.

Thank goodness it was at the end of the night and to this day hubby still doesnt think he did any wrong.

OMG! :eek: