Help! Need advice on living situation.

Smodlet

Ahh... so your brother is the one who is afraid, then... for you, possibly, but more for himself. He could not control your mother's actions...

All bullies are cowards, rachaelfleur, and it is not your brother's business what you do or how you live once you are out of his house, which you are house-sitting for him. Most house-sitters pay a small fraction of the market rate, that is the attraction for them.

Good luck.

dirtycredit

QUOTE]I'm constantly being watched and always asked who visitors are![/QUOTE]

Oh my god this would drive me up the wall. You can't live like that.

Good luck I hope you get everything sorted.

DC x

warby68

He does sound controlling and interfering OP but you have good enough reasons to move out without actually having to tackle his spying etc if you choose not to.

You can simply decide you prefer to be totally independent in your own space and are not enjoying living arrangements which are part shared.

Probably sensible to line something up before you tell him to make sure you can and then just perhaps offer a couple of weeks notice (your arrangement is informal isn't it) and, if you need to, just ask if you can defer your final payment to him ( he is your big brother after all)

Offer to keep an eye on the house if he likes (for a small fee lol);)

Whilst people are suggesting you effectively stick two fingers up to him, I understand if the dynamic and long family history makes that hard for you. You can still be assertive here but without, hopefully, the confrontational bits if you prefer to try and stay friendly.

PS Or you could just throw something over the cameras lol

rachaelfleur

dirtycredit wrote: »

QUOTE]I'm constantly being watched and always asked who visitors are!

Oh my god this would drive me up the wall. You can't live like that.

Good luck I hope you get everything sorted.

DC x[/QUOTE]

Yeah it's definitely not a nice feeling at all!

Money_saving_maniac

rachaelfleur wrote: »

I know I can and I will I promise you all! I know I'm a push over, always have been but I can't take it anymore. I need to stand up for myself.

I really don't know why my brother has such a hold on everyone in the family. We went through a pretty rough time when we were kids (alcoholic mother) and he always uses that to guilt me into putting family first all the time. My father lives away too so probably just doesn't want any hassle, he walked away from all the !!!! years ago.

Quite possibly he means well somewhere underneath, but he can't get out of his own skin enough to have a good relationship with you, which is sad.

Also he's far too possessive about his stuff. The CCTV and asking you who's visiting is creepy, very creepy, even if done with the best of intentions.

There's nothing wrong with saying to him that you don't like living in a house with one way CCTV as it makes you feel you are living in a fishbowl, if you want to give him a reason.

You know, speaking as a committment phobe myself, I ended up being accidentally pushed into living with my first partner, I moved in temporarily and it worked out great. I would never have made the decision to move in if Fate hadn't intervened. Just putting it out there

lessonlearned

Rachael.

You don't have to explain yourself to your brother and you can leave gently without a fuss. There's no need to make it confrontational.

ONce you have found somewhere to live then calmly inform your brother. Try to give him a decent period of notice, but if, as you say, he is now quite wealthy, then loss of rent shouldn't be a big deal.

You have not taken advantage of him, you owe him nothing but just the normal courtesy of any tenant who is moving out.

The arrangement you had worked equally as well for him as it did for you. You both benefitted so dont feel guilty or that you owe him.

You had a below market rent and he had a reliable tenant who looked after his house and who allowed him access when he wanted to come home for holidays. It was a business arrangement that worked well for both of you.

But now it's time for you to move forward with your life, either alone or with your partner. It's up to you and has nothing to do with your brother. You don't need his blessing.:rotfl:

Whilst he does sound as if he is a bit of a control freak I think given the family dynamic it is perfectly understandable. It can't have been easy for him as a child, he was your big brother and probably felt helpless when your mother left. He has obviously taken it upon himself to be your "protector" . As he has got Older, more wealthy and more powerful he probably feels it's still his duty to look after you.

You say your father "walked away from all the !!!! Years ago". It could be that your brother feels that your father let you both down and it was up to him to fill the breach. You were only little, he was older and became "the parent" - a role he can't easily let go.

You will need to stay calm and focussed.

If you brother gets upset or angry just smile sweetly and say something like "Big Brother I want to thank you for all you have done for me. You have been a kind and generous brother and I am very grateful. But it's time I stood on my own two feet and became a proper grownup." Give him a big hug and a sisterly kiss.

End of story. You don't need any further discussion or explanations.

If he goes into a strop, then stay calm, sit quietly and wait for him to run out of steam. Then you repeat yourself - wording it slightly differently. Keep it light saying something like it's time for you to leave the nest and spread your wings. You're ready.

Just stand your ground, keep calm and dignified, counteract his arguments quietly, gently but always firmly.

You have to show him you are a mature grown up who is capable of running her own life and who can fight her own battles. Thank him for all his love and protection over the years but repeat again that you are now ready and confident in your abilities to manage your own affairs and take your place in the world.

Dont be drawn into a protracted argument. Just say "Big brother I don't want us to fall out, I love you and you will always be my brother and someone I can look up to and I will always be there for you, but it's time I had my own household"

Don't use expressions like "I want my feeedom". That can sound a bit naive.

Remember it takes two people to have an argument. And you aren't going to give him one are you.

You are far too mature an adult now to let a discussion descend into pointless squabbling and bickering. .

No shouting, no tears, just a quiet dignified assertiveness.

rachaelfleur

I viewed the apartment today and absolutely love it! I've put down a deposit so now have to get the dreaded credit check done! I'll be absolutely gutted if I'm declined because of my past.

anna_1977

Just seen this thread, how exciting that you've put the deposit down. If all that's on your file are a couple a defaults that are due to drop off next year i'd like to think it'll be OK

Good luck

rachaelfleur

Just wanted to give everyone an update. My credit check came back with all green ticks so the flat is mine! I can't actually quite believe it! Pick up the keys on Monday! Absolutely delighted! Still need to tell my brother though. I've decided to email him rather than wait. Dreading his response but at least I know I've got somewhere to go now.

Smodlet

Well done, happy for you. Please update further when you move in so we know you are OK. Thanks.

Smodlet.