Help! Need advice on living situation.

rachaelfleur

Sorry if this is the wrong place for this post but I'm not really sure where else to turn. I'm hoping for some advice and/or suggestions. I've been dealing with debt for a number of years and I'm finally almost clear. I now only owe less than £1000 (was over £20K at one point). I used to live in a shared ownership apartment with my father, he owned 25% and I helped with the remaining rent and bills. My father eventually moved out and I stayed, he continued to pay his mortgage and I paid the rest. I lived on my own there for nearly 7 years, rent was low and bills reasonable so I was able to start clearing debts. Trouble is my father was made redundant and couldn't get any more employment. He was almost at retirement age so wasn't really caring about getting a new job anyway. Unfortunately his savings started to run out and I started to feel really bad because selling the apartment (my home) was the only option he had left. I started to consider moving out but the thought of trying to get a mortgage stressed me out and I kinda knew I would never get one anyway. My brother then approached me and said that his job was changing and he'd have to move his whole family out of the country. He asked if I would move in and house sit. At the time it was perfect, my father could sell the apartment and I had somewhere else to live.


That was over a year ago now and I 100% regret moving in to my brothers. I'm actually paying more now than I did in the apartment so not being able to pay off my remaining debts quicker and/or save any money. My relationship with my brother has also started to deteriorate. He's always be very protective but now he's just interfering and controlling. I think because I live in his house he thinks it's acceptable. He also has attitude about my life choices which he thinks are wrong. I've been with the same guy for 17years and our relationship is very different to the norm. We're not married, we don't live together and we don't have kids. All of which is just how we like it, totally works for us but for some reason my brother thinks I don't have the 'normal' life because my partner has decided and I just have to go with it. This is not the case, I don't want kids and one day we will get married and live together but definitely not a priority for me. Anyway, I've been told by my father that my brother doesn't like my partner visiting his house, which is my home.


So the situation has become a bit awkward for me. I want and need to move out asap because there are other things that are really !!!!ing me off but I don't want to bore you cause I've wrote enough already!


I know I can't get a mortgage right now (even though I haven't tried) and I don't have any savings for a deposit. I would like to rent for roughly a year (maybe longer) so that I can pay off the rest of what I owe and start saving for a reasonable deposit. Trouble is the places I want to rent all say they need to do a credit check which freaks me out. My second problem is telling my brother I'm moving out. I would like to move before the end of this month, if I don't I have another month of money to pay to my brother. This money I would rather use to pay for somewhere else. I can't afford to pay my brother, a deposit for a new place and possibly the first months rent. My partner said I can move in with him which is an option for me but that would have to be temporary as I'll be honest I do have commitment issues and don't want to be forced into moving in with him. I would rather we wait and get our first home together under better circumstances. So I do have options for moving out, I'm just really scared of telling my brother. He's got a bit of a temper and I think his reaction will be bad. I know he can more than afford to pay his mortgage without my contributions so I'm not worried about leaving him in the lurch, I would never do that. Living here is making me really miserable and I need to look after myself for once. I've always put other peoples needs first, hence why I'm in this situation and I know it's time to do what's best for me but I'm scared.


Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

foolofbeans

Have you checked your credit status with the three main companies (Experian and the other two!))? It may not be as bad as you think.
Having worked in a tenant referencing job many years ago I know the credit checks carried out were very basic and were mainly concerned with whether the applicant had any CCJ's. Do you know if you have any of these as this would make renting difficult. Usually an applicant would get a guarantor or pay 6 months rent in advance so lessening the risk to the landlord.
I'm surprised you think it is acceptable to leave your brothers house with less than one months notice. If you pay rent then you have a tenancy and there are statutory obligations on you, as the tenant, to pay your due notice.
I appreciate you say your brother is interfering in your personal life but (a) he is in another country so how much influence can he have and (b) you come across as a little privileged in that your father appears to have exhausted his savings in order to allow you to pay minimal rent and now you are moaning that you are not on such a great deal at your brothers house you want to leave him in the lurch without paying what you should rightly pay.

foolofbeans

For details of how you should conduct yourself with regards to ending your tenancy with your brother you should post on the house buying and renting forum as they are very knowledgeable.

rachaelfleur

I'm not going to go into any detail here but I am anything but privileged. I've had an exceptionally hard upbringing but I am not using that as an excuse. I got myself into a lot of debt but I'm fixing that. My father was quite happy having me stay in the apartment all those years as an investment resulting in him getting double back what he paid in.

With regards to my brother, we have no official tenancy agreement. I pay him a set amount each month and he deals with all the bills. Absolutely nothing is in my name. I came on here seeking advice on the best way to deal with this and move out. If you believe I should at least give him 1 months notice then I accept that. I forgot to add that the family comes home every school term holidays and stay in the house with me, along with any visitors. These are the times it's exceptionally hard for me and they are due home for the October holidays which is why I wanted to move asap.

rachaelfleur

And the reason I posted on the debt free forum is because I thought there would be more people on here able to give better advice because I'm in the situation I'm in due to my financial state past and present.

enthusiasticsaver

Have you seen a property you wish to rent and is affordable or at least more affordable than now? It takes time for new lets to be set up so it may well be a few weeks or a month until you find somewhere and have credit reference done. If your debt is coming down and you have no defaults there is no reason why you should have a problem with the credit ref. Do you have any ccjs or are you on a dmp? Whatever your situation you will need a deposit and should give your brother some notice. if you told him now you are giving him a month and would be leaving just before half term which presumably is when he is back. Just pay him 3/4 rent for October

Muttipops

Rachael,
I am sorry that the only post you received was judgmental; some people like to cut to the chase and are blunt, without of course knowing all the circumstances.
I had this reply half ready earlier on, so here it is now and I hope it is of use.....


Rachael,
You know what you want to do, but you feel bad about it and I think you want people to tell you it is OK.


Well, it is OK to move out because you should live where you want to live and not have to abide by controlling rules, such as who you can and who you can't have to stay; I bet that isn't in your ( non-existant) tenancy agreement.


What you do now depends on if you want to stay on reasonable terms with your brother. Of course what you should be able to do is tell him that you will be moving out and when, give him some reasonable notice and then leave and live where you want to. But if you feel you can't face him and his efforts to control your life, then do what you have to do; he chose to live abroad and so you are just as free to live where you wish. You are the one who has to live with the consequences, not us, so you must do what you can live with. You cannot please everybody all the time and sometimes we have to put ourselves first.


I did not think you came across as priviledged and even if you were, it's not a dirty word. I took it that you were afraid of your brother's reaction and scared of making a move that you know you need to and so came here for support.


Good luck in however you choose to handle it.


(Cross-posted with enthusiastic savers advice)

rachaelfleur

Thanks, I was starting to think that maybe I am just being a brat after the response I got. You're right that is terrified of my brothers reaction. I've spent my whole life pleasing others and I just want to be free to do my own thing. It's a weird predicament i'm in, to make things easier on myself I could just say I've decided to move in with my partner but he'all find out eventually that I haven't. I know for a fact he'll have a go at me about renting and not buying cause he doesn't know about the pickle I got myself in and I don't want to tell him. My brother is very wealthy now and has lost sight of certain things and just assumes everyone is like him. I do earn a good wage but my past is holding me back. Thankfully I don't have any CCJ's just a couple of defaults which will drop off my credit rating next year. I'm beginning to think that I should wait and tell him when he gets back for the sake of our relationship. There is a few places I have in mind which I'm going to view next week. One place is available to move in asap but I think it might be a mistake to just up and leave.

Muttipops

Well done, Rachael.
If you like the place you go to see and you can afford it, then move to suit you.
What you want to happen is that you have an outcome that principally YOU are happy with. It would be good if your brother was happy with it too.
Maybe it would be a mistake to up and leave but could you write to your brother and tell him you are leaving and when, and already have the plans set in motion, in other words, it's a done deal, you have made your decision and he must live with that.
Standing up to relatives can be hard, but you can't live your life to suit him.
Is his house at risk of being burgled if there is no one living at the property? Could you take on the new tenancy and still live at his house until he gets home for the holidays, if needed ? Also, if you do tell him now, maybe it would be easier for him to get a new tenant if he is back here for a short while and your notice to quit would therefore be useful to him, instead of having it sprung on him when he gets here?


But don't loose sight of the fact you want to move; sometimes we can't make everything allright for everybody else and he is a big boy now and needs to sort out HIS own problems, even if you are the making of them.


Whatever you do, be firm and positive about a move for yourself and do not apologise for it; circumstances change and you are allowed to make plans with your own life.

rachaelfleur

The house has cctv so my brother would get an instant alert if anyone tries to break in. But the cctv is another reason I need to leave. I'm constantly being watched and always asked who visitors are! I just can't take it anymore. I think what I should do is get everything set up first and then tell him when he's back that I'll be moving out on a specific date.

I really appreciate your advice, just having someone to talk to has helped clear my mind.

DCFC79

rachaelfleur wrote: »

One place is available to move in asap but I think it might be a mistake to just up and leave.

Why might it be a mistake to just up and leave ?

You can rent rooms if you don't have enough for renting a flat.