Help! Need advice on living situation.

Muttipops

rachaelfleur wrote: »

The house has cctv so my brother would get an instant alert if anyone tries to break in. But the cctv is another reason I need to leave. I'm constantly being watched and always asked who visitors are! I just can't take it anymore. I think what I should do is get everything set up first and then tell him when he's back that I'll be moving out on a specific date.

I really appreciate your advice, just having someone to talk to has helped clear my mind.

You wouldn't give notice to quit unless you had something else set up first, you would be ill=advised to do that in any situation with any landlord. It is a plan to work towards.
Is your Dad helpful in backing you up with your brother?

rachaelfleur

I don't want any ill feeling between me and my brother. I think just leaving without notice will just aggravate the situation.

I've been discussing it with my father but he doesn't want to get involved for fear of causing father/son issues. But he has advised me if it's making me so ill and unhappy then just do it.

Grumpelstiltskin

I can't see why you are so concerned about your relationship with your brother. Putting it bluntly he treats you like some lower being, and you want to carry this on?


I guess you must be at least 30 years of age by what you have said.


Why on earth don't you tell him the way he treats you is not acceptable, do this after you have somewhere to move to and move get on with your life and let him do what he wants as long as it doesn't concern you.

rachaelfleur

Grumpelstiltskin wrote: »

I can't see why you are so concerned about your relationship with your brother. Putting it bluntly he treats you like some lower being, and you want to carry this on?


I guess you must be at least 30 years of age by what you have said.


Why on earth don't you tell him the way he treats you is not acceptable, do this after you have somewhere to move to and move get on with your life and let him do what he wants as long as it doesn't concern you.

Honestly I just can't handle any confrontation. I've always been like that. I know I should just say what I think and move on but I'm scared. And yeah I'm 30+ and can't believe I've put myself in this situation. I guess I thought I was helping out but turned out to just be a door mat.

enthusiasticsaver

Actually reading your later posts Rachel makes me think you would be justified in leaving at a timeframe to suite you. As mutti says to stay on good family terms with your brother will at least either involve a conversation with him or a letter but I think from what you have said he sounds very judgemental. Are you paying below market rent for his house? I am guessing if it is just you there is no need for a house but a flat is just as good and it is certainly not his business whether you rent or buy. If you see somewhere you like and can afford and it is available I would sort that out asap and if you cannot manage to pay your brother all the rent and sort out a deposit tell him you will pay him what you owe him when you sort it all out. If he can afford it and there is no fixed tenancy agreement there is no legal requirement for you to pay him anything but for the sake of family relationships being fair with him is a good way to go. Are you comfortable telling your brother you want and need your own place now so thanks for the use of his house but you really want some independence. I think cctv watching all your visitors would be offputting especially if he then passes judgement on them all. What a cheek.

Good luck and hopefully you will find somewhere quickly. Well done on paying off £19k of debt too.

enthusiasticsaver

Also don't give up on the thought of getting a mortgage at some point. Often it is cheaper than rent and would give you some security. If you have saved enough to pay off £19k of debt and you are in employment then that is an option. Look into help to buy isa when you are sorted out in your new place and debt almost gone and that is good way to save a deposit. Something to aim for should you want to go that way.

Muttipops

rachaelfleur wrote: »

Honestly I just can't handle any confrontation. I've always been like that. I know I should just say what I think and move on but I'm scared. And yeah I'm 30+ and can't believe I've put myself in this situation. I guess I thought I was helping out but turned out to just be a door mat.

Changing a lifetime of family dynamics overnight isn't going to happen. He is top dog, or so he thinks. But sometimes you have to learn to go round things instead of through or over them; what is important is not HOW you get that new rental, but that you actually do, and that you have peace of mind again without Big Brother literally watching you.

rachaelfleur

I've already signed up for a Help to Buy ISA so I do definitely want to buy eventually, I can definitely afford to just probably can't get a decent mortgage until my defaults drop off my credit file. It's definitely my ultimate goal. I'm okay with renting for a little while just as long as I get out of here. I am paying less than market rate but I honestly just use 2 rooms. I'd feel much more comfortable in a small apartment with no one watching me.

I have to say I'm so glad I posted on here. I just needed to let it all out without being judged and the bonus is I've had some great advice. Hopefully the viewings go well this week and I can go ahead with the credit check. It's payday on Friday so I'll be able to put down a deposit if all goes well. The first months rent up front I may struggle with if I pay my brother too but my father might help and I can pay him back next payday. Wish me luck!!

Smodlet

You can do this; you just have to want to enough to believe it:

1. Find somewhere else to live asap. People do this in far worse financial circumstances than yours and manage; just read a few more threads!

2. Tell your brother to do one. He sounds like a bully and what do bullies do when someone stands up to them? Crumble. It sounds as if your father is afraid of him as well. Why? Does he have some financial hold over you both?

3. Live your life on your terms (within the parameters of the law and being a decent person, obviously) Who the hell does your brother think he is? Once you are out from under his roof/CCTV surveillance, you can choose to be out from under his, what's a polite word for it, influence?

4. Ignore all of the above, go to a tattoo parlour, lie down flat and have "WIPE YOUR FEET" written on you. Your choice.

Now, stand up for yourself! You can practice on me if you like. Why do you think I phrased this post in such combative language? You don't care a jot what I think, so come on! Then practice in front of the mirror, pretending your reflection is your brother's face. Go on, you can do this... if you try.

rachaelfleur

I know I can and I will I promise you all! I know I'm a push over, always have been but I can't take it anymore. I need to stand up for myself.

I really don't know why my brother has such a hold on everyone in the family. We went through a pretty rough time when we were kids (alcoholic mother) and he always uses that to guilt me into putting family first all the time. My father lives away too so probably just doesn't want any hassle, he walked away from all the !!!! years ago.