Emotional abuse

warby68

So he hid your phone when you didn't like having water thrown at you and threatened extreme violence if you left him? These are just examples of lots of similar incidents.

You don't need an umbrella label of abuse to classify all this.

Its wrong and he's wrong for you.

I wouldn't need to think long and hard about how much is acceptable and how much I should tolerate.

There is no adoration here (well not in the direction mentioned)

AnotherJoe

elona wrote: »

She did not threaten to burn down a house or "get her revenge".

She's not mature enough to see her bf will never change, she's not mature enough to get out of there, and she's not mature enough to see that some kind of silly puppy dog "you can't help who you falling love with" love isn't an excuse for allowing yourself to be bullied and oppressed.

skattykatty

A person who blames others will find it difficult, if not impossible, to change because they are not aware of anything in themselves that needs to change and it requires a herculean effort to begin to see things otherwise. As others have said - he will not change.

You love him BUT a part of you feels threatened by his behaviour, otherwise you would not have posted. SO let's put this all together: he will not change and you (and all your assets etc) are tied to him in marriage. How will you feel in a year or five year's time? How does 'love' survive repeated behaviour like that he exhibits?

One more thing - beware adoration. To be adored is not to be seen. You are not a god. You are a flesh and blood human being that deserves respect in her relationship. Do you feel respected? Love and respect are foundations for an enduring relationship.

Pollycat

AnotherJoe wrote: »

Pot.Kettle. You sound no better.

AnotherJoe wrote: »

She's not mature enough to see her bf will never change, she's not mature enough to get out of there, and she's not mature enough to see that some kind of silly puppy dog "you can't help who you falling love with" love isn't an excuse for allowing yourself to be bullied and oppressed.

Maybe she isn't 'mature enough' but that does not in any way make her as bad as the boyfriend.

Some of the things the OP mentions that her fiance does can be seen as immature e.g. throwing water on her car but other things are much nastier.

FBaby

Emotional abuse becomes emotional abuse the moment you feel hurt and\or abused by what is said. If it hurts, its abusive and should not be tolerated.

I strongly disagree with this because it puts the onus of the feelings of the receiver rather than the action of the giver to define emotional abuse.

It would be unfair to consider someone abusive for a behaviour that wouldn't hurt someone else at all. That doesn't mean that they are in the right to continue to hurt someone, but it can't be referred as abuse in the sense of mal-treating the other person.

It really is all about the interpretation. If I my OH tells me that I have put on weight recently and that I might want to watch it, I would actually consider this a nice gesture. It would mean that 1/ he noticed, and 2/ he cares that I watch my weight. I know for a fact that he would say it because he thought I should lose weight to please his eyes, let alone to hurt me. However, I know from friends and posters here that many would feel very offended by it, and some probably consider it, along with other similar things said, as emotional abuse.

I however fully agree that if someone is not happy with the way their partner is communicating with them, verbally and non-verbally, there is no point in staying in that relationship.

paddy's_mum

FBaby wrote: »

It really is all about the interpretation

I agree with you - it is. A plump friend of mine adored his wife calling him Pilsbury (the dough boy) because he saw it as based on affectionate joshing and her loving him in spite of less than Adonis looks. Others would find it very unfriendly conduct if applied to them.

However, I can't seem to find a way to say "I'll burn your house down" in any way that makes it sound a joke. I've tried saying it out loud in front of the mirror but somehow it won't compute into anything less than a threat in much the same way as someone saying "we know where you live" can be less than sinister in tone.

thorsoak

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

No he doesn't see his behaviour as anything wrong. He is very good at blaming other people.


I admit I react badly to it. I shout, I get annoyed, I tell him to go away. It doesn't matter how I react, he will always do the opposite.


If I try and sit quietly, he will try and distract me. If I try and speak to him to sort things out, he tells me to leave him alone.


He is very immature. I've never dated someone younger than me before plus there's a cultural difference.


He is Italian. He seems to think the man is always right!


It's so difficult as he adores me so much and I genuinely think he doesn't want to lose me but he will if he doesn't change. I've told him that but it's in the heat of the moment so perhaps he doesn't believe me.

If someone were to tell me that he would "burn my house down" then I would react by doing more than shouting.

The man- whether he is Italian or not - is not always right - and believe me, honey, you are NEVER going to change this Italian.

Walk away whilst you can.

AnotherJoe

Pollycat wrote: »

Maybe she isn't 'mature enough' but that does not in any way make her as bad as the boyfriend.

Some of the things the OP mentions that her fiance does can be seen as immature e.g. throwing water on her car but other things are much nastier.

I didn't say she is as bad as the bf but she is enabling this bad behaviour by staying. She can end it in a heartbeat if she wants.
Rhetorical question - how many people here think he'll change ? ......deadly silence ...
I thought so.

So, either she's a pathetic downbeaten victim, or she's someone who can be empowered, who can take matters into her own hands and move away and stop fooling herself. The fact she hasn't done so says just as much about he as him.

She isn't married, she doesn't have kids, when would there be a better time to leave?

OP he's not going to change. Take your blinkers off

baby_lemonade

It's one thing having a (presumably much younger) Italian toyboy, but quite another thing living with him 24/7! Maybe you should go back to just being lovers again. This boy needs a substitute mummy by the sound of it.

Pollycat

AnotherJoe wrote: »

I didn't say she is as bad as the bf but she is enabling this bad behaviour by staying.

Well, you actually posted this:

AnotherJoe wrote: »

Pot.Kettle. You sound no better.

'as bad as'?
'no better'?

I agree that the OP is enabling the behaviour of her fiance.
And it does sound like she doesn't deal with the issue very well - but she is aware of that so maybe she can change things there.