Emotional abuse

swingaloo

Just looked back through your previous posts as your user name rang bells.

A few weeks ago you were considering bringing his dad from Italy to stay with you. Would that not be asking for more trouble if its 'like father, like son'.

paddy's_mum

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

I've never dated someone younger than me before

He wouldn't be expecting you to be grateful that he's your trophy younger man, would he?

I wish you luck in resolving this issue with your fiance but please, don't marry him while you are feeling such uncertainty.

breaking_free

Well these lines leapt out at me.

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

I just need him to see how bad his behaviour is.

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

No he doesn't see his behaviour as anything wrong. He is very good at blaming other people.

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

It's scary as he just doesn't see what he's doing as wrong.

He DOES know that what he's doing is wrong, but he believes he is entitled to act that way with you.

Question: Does he only behave badly when you're alone or does he also behave badly towards you when other people are around? My two pence says he hides it from other people (because he knows damn well they'd be disgusted).

I made every excuse I could for my abusive ex. I denied, minimised and even lied to the police when the neighbours called them. I thought if I could just get him to understand that threatening to kill me, physically hurting me, always blaming me for him becoming violent was wrong, then he'd stop doing it.

That
is
crazy
thinking

What adult needs to have it explained to them like a child that hurting people is wrong?!?

Sweetie, your partner IS emotionally abusing you.
Peaceful waters is right : "It doesn't stop. They don't change. You start to justify how they are. Then you just accept it."

Please share with us what you are going to do to 'try and change his behaviour'.
Take care of yourself HUGS

paddy's_mum

In light of your other posts regarding financial questions (thanks, swingaloo) I begin to wonder if you're not being taken for a ride by both immature son and his father.

You will, of course, do exactly as you please but I will repeat my earlier advice - don't marry him until you are absolutely sure of the ground under your feet. Signing things that commit you for years ahead (such as marriage registers and mortgages and Land Registry documents) can become a millstone of monumental proportions and I suspect that your gut feeling is yelling as loud as it can to warn you!
Please listen to it.

Detroit

You don't need these questions answered to decide on the future of your relationship.

If you find your partner's behaviour unacceptable and the relationship unhealthy you may want to end it.

Alternatively, if your feelings for him are stronger than your dislike of the behaviour, then you may wish to stay.

I don't see that getting a diagnosis of 'emotional abuse' (or not) on this thread makes any difference to your decision.

You already feel your partner's behaviour is wrong. It doesn't make it any worse if it gets the emotional abuse label, or better if it doesn't.

If you feel it's wrong, then it's wrong for you. If it's sufficiently wrong for you, you should end the relationship.

Ames

I could have written your post a few years ago, down to the fact that my ex was (half) Italian.

He left me so messed up I doubt I'll ever have another relationship. It progressed from emotional abuse to sexual abuse, but the emotional has had the biggest effect on me.

Leave. Now.

AnotherJoe

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

No he doesn't see his behaviour as anything wrong. He is very good at blaming other people.


I admit I react badly to it. I shout, I get annoyed, I tell him to go away. It doesn't matter how I react, he will always do the opposite.


If I try and sit quietly, he will try and distract me. If I try and speak to him to sort things out, he tells me to leave him alone.


He is very immature..

Pot.Kettle. You sound no better.

elona

She did not threaten to burn down a house or "get her revenge".

calicocat

Aside from the fact he would be kicked to the curb in my world.......

Prior to that, I would:

A) stop shouting back or responding to this rubbish. (how old is he to say things like i'll burn your house down??). Just look at him in silence when he is behaving like a prattt.

if A fails , start to distance yourself from him, stop doing things for him. This MAY make him think a little as to what may be wrong and begin to look at himself and his behaviour. With a bit of luck ask you what's wrong.

C) if A and B fail.....tell him if he threatens to burn your house down or says...xyz..that annoys you............................................then you will have him taken away by some blokes in a van. They will keep him there for 4 days tied to a chair, this chair will be connected to an electricity generator and he will be electrocuted regularly at various points on his naked body until he realises he is being very childish. If he fails to understand this after the 4 days, he will be told that it will be him who his set fire to, Not your house.



D) ...if you suspect he is in fact a psychopath in the making. Tell him to Leave.

Detroit

marleyboy wrote: »

Emotional abuse becomes emotional abuse the moment you feel hurt and\or abused by what is said. If it hurts, its abusive and should not be tolerated.

I think this is a little broad as a definition.

People are frequently hurt within a relationship by behaviours that others would see as perfectly legitimate, depending on their opinion, values and perspective.

For example, in the current thread about the wife objecting to the family living free in the OPs house, it could be argued that the wife is emotionally (and financially) abusing the husband by pressuring him about his assetts.
Equally it could be said he is emotionally (and financially) abusing her by lying about the situation.
Both are hurt, but is this abuse, or a difference of opinion?

The OP here clearly has a volatile relationship that doesn't seem to make her happy. In which case, she has the choice to end it.

However, she can do that without a diagnosis of abuse.

Imo I think there is a tendency of late to seek this diagnosis whenever a relationship flounders, for whatever reason.

Abuse is a serious term denoting a power imbalance where the stronger subjugates the weaker, and is not applicable in every bad relationship.

Whether the OP is a victim of abuse, I have no idea. However she can leave this situation if she decides to do so either way.