Bereft and Broken

EssexHebridean

Ooh yes - hope today went well.

Only suggestion I can make with your OH is just to tell him when he's being unpleasant/unkind etc that he's being like that, and that you find it hurtful and upsetting, and that you're going to leave the room for a while and do something else elsewhere in the house. It won't change his behaviour - or at least not overnight - but it will mean you're not giving him an audience.

Smolly

Comes hobbling in.....

I made it! Gawd it was hard work - my job is quite manual and my body has felt the pain!
It will get easier I know. I did feel like the temp though although everyone was really nice. I can see where they've made a few changes with regards to unspoken 'ranks' and I felt very much at the bottom today but no matter. The main thing was I went back and each day should get a little better.

And because I'm so tired I'm not going to push myself. I just took it steady today and then came home and got on with chores so they're not hanging round my neck. I will think about earning extra money tomorrow! I know I shouldn't put it off but I haven't the energy. On the plus side though I did sell an extra item on 3Bay after someone got in touch to say they'd missed the auction and wanted to buy some shoes. I whacked a buy it now price on and voila - made an extra bit of cash.

Thanks Thistle and Essex for comments - we're just not 'talking' at the moment. I was really really angry at the time and said a fair few things which I probably should have said a long time ago but haven't dared to. I was so incredibly angry that he was doing this again to me. In time maybe I can make some long term decisions but back to baby steps.

I accepted the offer of counselling at work - in fact I asked for it. You never know the new person might be more receptive. I still feel like I need something - whatever that something is.

Anyway I am off to lurk on some diaries for a half hour or so and then off to bed I will go. I did want to start a new diary today with me returning to work but hey ho - it can wait.

Take care everyone xx

Thistle-down

Aside from the not talking to DH, things are quite positive! I'm sure that too will be sorted in time, but for now you are doing so well. The counselling at work sounds ideal, and good for you for sorting it out straight away.

It sounds like you need your rest, you've accomplished quite a bit today. Don't feel pressured into starting a new diary until you're ready, you don't need any added stress.

And yay for the shoes! :j

EssexHebridean

Yup - the Thistley-one has said it!

Well done - and as you say, Baby steps are quite enough at the moment!

Smolly

'the Thistley-one' - that made me laugh EH! I may call you that from now on Thistley-one!:rotfl:

So, second day in. Good (very good in fact) and bad (enough to knock me several ticks).:(

Woke up, got up (good so far), and just felt really good. Got on with some bits before work and arrived to find the manager wasn't in. Now normally I would be number 2 to call to come in and cover but they hadn't even phoned me to let me know which did sting a bit , but as I said yesterday things have obviously changed in my absence and to be fair, I am only just back at work after 6 weeks off. I'm not surprised so I didn't let it bother me...that much.

Did my work and on leaving saw a text from my brother. It was a loooooooong text. Oh dear. I read it and just felt so utterly winded I wanted to crawl under a stone and hide with shame. I owe my brother money to the tune of £500, well £495 now. I owe my Mum money. It was about £160 until she paid for my car to be fixed because she couldn't bear the thought of not seeing me twice a week so I have an extra £450 to pay back to her at some point. Neither knew that I owed the other money. It was never a secret I owed Mum money but I had asked Bro not to tell my Mum about what I owe him.

Seems today they have been discussing me. Mum has apparently told my brother I owe her money on her credit card and I'm bad with money. Now to be fair, most of the £160 was from the summer. Mum got herself a new credit card with 19 months purchase free on it and went on a bit of a spending spree herself. She invited me to use it to buy some much needed clothes and shoes for me and school clothes for DS. OK so I shouldn't have, but at that time I was really down, and just thought - I've got 19 months to pay it back. And I needed a lot of the things I bought. So I'm a bit miffed to say the least that Mum has come out with this statement. The remaining £450 is her doing as I was going to try and save the money for the car but she didn't want me to do that as it affected her not having the car.

The reason this has all come about I think is because Mum asked me the other day about the 'date' I had planned with a friend. I told her I was cancelling it as I couldn't really afford it. She started going on about how I'd only just been paid and to be honest it was none of her business but I told her I had had to pay out car insurance which left me a bit short, so I was being careful. And then I declined her offer to lend me the money for the insurance. So this is where this has all probably come about.

In true brotherly fashion a text message gets sent. He can't be normal and ring me which would have felt kinder. He tells me that Mum has said I'm bad at money, that I've borrowed money off Mum's credit card , that doing that is not going to help and whilst he doesn't want to lecture me he is worried.... OK so I get he is worried but I felt that he could have worded it better and he probably doesn't know all the facts. In a normal world I would tell him to mind his own business but I can't as I don't do that and I owe him money too so he has a right to ask.

I can tell you it really knocked the wind out of my sails but I'm glad it's happened to be honest because it has now spurred me into action. To say I'm quite cross and fed up of all this is an understatement so my November challenge (I really want to say Movember but I ain't growing a tache!:rotfl:) is to start to get the money together to pay bro back his £495 and Mum's £160 or whatever it is. The £450 for the car will have to wait. We'll call it £660 to be sure.

It's a hell of a lot and I don't expect to have paid it back in one month - hell I don't even know how I'm going to get through 'Movember' for a start! I'm going to make this challenge for the next 3 months - through to the end of January. 3Bay have kindly sent 100 free listings and as the greedy me has 2 3Bay accounts that leaves quite a bit to go at for the month. It's going to be tough but I'm not having this family debt hanging round my neck and Mum and Bro discussing how bad I am with money (I know I am anyway).

It took me right back to my 20's when I was initially in debt and Mum found out. She has that 'look' - one that can turn your insides to jelly and make you wish there was a massive hole to hide in. It's a mix of shame, disgust, contempt - it's horrible. Well she used that look back then and sat me in the garden to discuss money. She ended up paying off a store card to the tune of £300 and from then on was like a thorn in my side whenever money and debt came up again. Hence why she does not know about my debt now but obviously knows enough to make assumptions.

A few years later I finally confided about my current level of debt to a bf who was stunned, and made some rather hurtful comments. He obviously wasn't 'the one' and dumped me promptly after. He then told a number of people in our circle and that hurt even more. I felt really ashamed and hurt and to this day I just can't bring myself to confide in anyone. If I told OH - well I won't go there.

So all this came back and left a sour taste in my mouth all afternoon. I haven't replied to my brother and I don't know whether to just leave it and let him come to his own conclusions as to how I feel about the issue, or just reply with a standard 'everything is fine' text, 'yes we should talk sometime' and leave it at that. He will have forgotten by the next pub.

So there we have it. £660 in 91 days or £7.25 a day (Thistley-one this reminds me of you!) Sorry I won't call you that after today I promise!!! I don't think I can do it but I will try (the £7.25 I mean!).

This whole post has now depressed me even further. Am going to go off and make a cuppa and then start thinking which kidney to sell. I will not return here until I have listed at least 5 new items!!! That is my incentive - so if I'm absent for a while it's because I'm BUSY:rotfl:

Take care all and good night xx

Thistle-down

Wow, what a day. It sounds more bad than good, but I'm glad you are seeing it as a challenge rather than letting it get on top of you. And we're always here to listen.

Families know how to push your buttons and seemingly don't grow out of it, no matter what the circumstances are. Money seems to bring out the worst. My brother is a very wealthy accountant and although he is a lovely guy I always feel like he disapproves of me, like there is some sense of moral superiority going on. It sounds like your brother may be doing something similar.

I am sure you can pay him back and once you do, it will be a big relief. I've never borrowed from my brother (I've never asked because I know he wouldn't loan me money anyway) but we did borrow from my husband's aunt years ago and from that point on she felt she had a say in every part of our lives until we paid her back. Every purchase she found out about was scrutinised and remarked upon. Needless to say we paid her back as soon as possible and made the decision to never borrow from her, or indeed any family member again.

Good on you for starting right away! I will have a pile of things to list in the next few days but am going to wait until the dining room is cleared out of the things that need to be put elsewhere or donated. It seems less daunting when the pile is smaller.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you! xx

[Deleted User]

Oh lovely, I can see how that made you feel. As Thistle says, we're all here for you xx

Good on you for setting yourself a mini challenge, you'll have both of them gone in no time.

Chin up and I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you xx

EssexHebridean

Eurgh - that HAS been day hasn't it. Wretched PEOPLE, eh?!

So far as the work thing goes - it honestly sounds to me as though they are being responsible and avoiding heaping pressure back on to you too soon. That's got to be a good thing, looked at like that, no?

As for your brother and your Mum - well breaches of trust are pretty unforgiveable at the best of times so I can well imagine how you feel. One way of looking at it might be that what your Mum has told him genuinely has worried him and his text was sent because he felt embarassed calling you to talk about it, but felt he needed to just touch base and check you were OK. Either way though it does sound like your Mum has misrepresented the truth rather doesn't it.

I still think that for the time being at least, disregard the money your Mum gave you for the car - but in the light of todays events, once you've got things under control definitely clarify with her whether she meant it as a gift - or whether as a loan. If she confirms it was a gift, then make a note somewhere at home of this fact...along with the date she told you this... (Just in case, you know!)

Tomorrow WILL be better. Sleep well! x

Smolly

Thanks everyone - I know I said I wouldn't pop back until I'd listed 5 new things but I've managed 5 new things and 8 relists! It's only taken me 2 hours! I was flamin' well determined to do it after I set myself that challenge. I've seen someone has placed a bid on another of my items so it's all guns blazing now!

Am really off now. Tomorrow will be better - thanks all! xx

Thistle-down

Good for you and your perseverance! :j

I hope today is going well. I've sent a pm