Estranged child

mellymoo74

Marcarm
I left home at 17 for the same reasons as your son, I also stayed for the same reasons.

Your doing well.
Has he called the passport office for advice? College work wise, if he ever emailed it he should be able to access it that way.
College will support him so tell him no need to worry.

mellymoo74

Everything else is just stuff
Stuff can be rebought

marcarm

mellymoo74 wrote: »

Everything else is just stuff
Stuff can be rebought

Exactly what I have told him. It's more his college books that he got from the library, and his notes he needs.

He has access to my laptop to do his work, and we can report the passport lost/stolen if need be.

She left him in his work shirt and trousers (my wife got him some work with her during the summer) so we have had to buy everything for him, as well as travel for him. He really wants his football stuff as he spends a lot of time playing but she is holding that to ransom as well, but we can't afford to replace everything.

He estimated he has about £1k worth of stuff he has paid for himself that she won't let him have, including nice clothes, laptop, football kit, bike etc.

She was worried he would take his stuff and then not want to talk to her again, but can't see that what she is doing is pushing him further away..

mellymoo74

Does he still have contact with the younger brother?

The only regret I have is the loss of 6 years of my brothers (all OK now).

Get him to sit down and work out what's his main focus is for the summer he can then rebuy stuff related to that.

The letter may work but going of my own experience the stuff is not something he will resee whether she wants to try and force dialogue or has an attack of the spites the result will be the same.

Justhe make sure he knows your proud and he finds a way to keep contact with the younger brother and he will be fine.

Again my experience our kid hasn't spoken to our mother since he was 21 (now 36) the youngest was maintaining contact until she pulled a mum and he saw her as she is.
We supported his want to have contact as it's very much his choice.

marcarm

mellymoo74 wrote: »

Does he still have contact with the younger brother?

The only regret I have is the loss of 6 years of my brothers (all OK now).

Get him to sit down and work out what's his main focus is for the summer he can then rebuy stuff related to that.

The letter may work but going of my own experience the stuff is not something he will resee whether she wants to try and force dialogue or has an attack of the spites the result will be the same.

Justhe make sure he knows your proud and he finds a way to keep contact with the younger brother and he will be fine.

Again my experience our kid hasn't spoken to our mother since he was 21 (now 36) the youngest was maintaining contact until she pulled a mum and he saw her as she is.
We supported his want to have contact as it's very much his choice.

She set up a Facebook profile in his brothers names so they can still keep in contact, but as he has blocked her profile and phone number etc, she was using it to send him messages, but pretending to be his brother. He could tell by the spelling and use of words that his brother would never use, and she ended it with 'I hate you' so she's still been trying to guilt trip him.

She doesn't have any contact with her own mother, they are both strong willed people and neither would ever back down so they clashed and they are both too stubborn to make the first move so she's not seen her for years.

That's what will happen with my son, as she is too stubborn to ever admit she is wrong, will never see any fault with her behaviour in all of this and she is just not a reasonable person. She would rather never see him again instead of stepping down.

When he went round last night, I told him to just keep a lid on it, tell her what she wants to hear so he could get his stuff, but she immediately laid into him telling him it is his fault his brother might go into care, and how this whole situation is his fault. No blame is on her doorstep whatsoever.

Could tell you some stories but afraid of waffling and turning this thread into my blog lol

ska_lover

marcarm wrote: »

The lad has lived with his mother until he is 17 then ''suddenly realized what type of a person she is?'' maybe 'finally fed up of the person she is' would have been a better phrase, didn't say suddenly as he has known for years

Sorry OP but if she was that awful,you would have applied for custody years backhe has always had the option to move in with me, but he wanted to stay to protect his 9 year old brother. He has always said that he would have moved in with me in an instant if it weren't for his brother, he didn't want him to go through what he had at that age, which I think is admirable.

Obviously you only know the one side of the story that the teenager, (who may have every reason to manipulate you) - has told you. You clearly have personal issues with the mother which is another issue altogether. But do not mix the two togetherhe knows my views on his mother, but he has made his own mind up about her. She has told him every single conversation we have had as she has tried her best to make him hate me but she has failed. I've told him I'll never stop him seeing her. I know both sides as I've seen things myself and know exactly what she is like

All I am saying is, things may well not be what they seem and there may well be things gone on you do not even know about.there is a lot more to this story but none of it was relevant to the questions I asked in the op. Responses in red

I am sorry and don't mean to undermine you however what you are saying still does not make sense. from what you are saying, he felt he had to protect his younger brother, was the mother abusive?

Robisere

What a very sad story, this lad must be really upset. But what a great father you are: accepting the way your son wants to do things his way and offering advice if he needs it. I hope you both have a continuing great father-son relationship, all your life.

Reminds me of my own parents, not parallel but similar. I am 71 now, but clearly remember being assaulted by her at a vrey young age. Dad was great, took me to my aunt's for almost 3 years and got mother committed for treatment. Medication stopped her violence, but I never felt or thought of her as my mother, all my life. I left home at 13, worked on a funfair, was brought back by police. Left to go to sea at 16, joined the Army at 19. All just to get away from her. I always felt that, if dad had left her, we could have been OK without her, but he never plucked up the courage.

Until I met my wife, my life was pretty messed-up by my younger years. Give your lad the love, attention and stability he needs, and you will get it back in spades. Good luck to you both.

marcarm

ska_lover wrote: »

I am sorry and don't mean to undermine you however what you are saying still does not make sense. from what you are saying, he felt he had to protect his younger brother, was the mother abusive?

Emotionally abusive I would say. She was very lazy, would sit in bed all day doing nothing apart from games on her phone expecting my son to do everything, including taking his brother to school, cook, clean as well as college. Of he went away for a couple of days he would get home and the house would be a tip as she never clears up, and he would have to do all of that before anything else. She spent last Christmas day in bed, my son made the dinner etc and she wouldnt even come down for that.

He stayed at home so his brother wouldnt be the one to do it all. My son had to miss his army cadet camp as there the person he arranged to look after his brother let him down, even though she was at home not working. He even paid for the childcare out of his own money.

My son has been at work all day today, his mother has been sending him messages from her friends phone telling him to !!!! off etc. All day she's been doing that.

She's also been texting the last friend of his that hasn't blocked her goading him, this friend has now blocked her so she has no way now of getting in touch with him. My son changed his number but she managed to get hold of it somehow.

Mojisola

marcarm wrote: »

He stayed at home so his brother wouldnt be the one to do it all.

What's going to happen the younger lad now?

Has your son contacted Social Services about the way his mother has neglected both of them?

parking_question_chap

Cant you just get your son to text her and say he has changed his mind and wants to return? Then collect stuff and go?

She sounds crazy enough to fall for it.