Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 2 - Groundhog Day

crazy_cat_lady

Panic over... phew!
I wish I wasn't such a worrier, but I didn't expect him to be gone for 6 hours.

Eager_Elephant

Glad DH is back - what a worry living with someone with depression is.


(((CCL and family)))

takingcontrolatlast

Just wanted to say Hi... hope DH is ok - it's a shame he didnt let you know where he was going which would have helped you stop worrying as you do carry a lot on your shoulders (I'm not criticising DH as I wouldnt do that to another person's partner) just wanted to show empathy to you ... I'm always nervous of posting in case i say wrong thing

Bobarella

crazy_cat_lady wrote: »

Panic over... phew!
I wish I wasn't such a worrier, but I didn't expect him to be gone for 6 hours.

Thank goodness, I can totally see why you'd be worried. Well done though on your interview prep. It's good to be ahead. Hope you have a better night.

crazy_cat_lady

Hi all
Sorry for lack of formatting etc but checking in quickly from the phone. DS started swimming lessons tonight after the guilt of never teaching him to swim took over me. So we've been home less than an hour and I will be in bed with ds by 9. Thank goodness for pre prepped meals. There is a large Mr S near swimming pool and I got some very cheap veggies so I used the rest of the pasta to do a veggie pasta creamy sauce thing... love a good ys shop...
As for dh... I've spent so long trying to accept and understand him when he's ill. This is what he does, but I've played every scenario in my head from him driving off a cliff, to spending the day with another woman. I think (and hope) it's just my anxiety getting in the way, but I can't control how I feel any more than he can. I've been from tears to anger and everywhere in between today. I love him so much, but just don't know if I can keep doing this. It's a horrible feeling... I can take the bad times along with the good, and accept them but my self esteem is disappearing again and I feel bad within myself. The kids need me to be a better mother than I'm currently being and I really need to sort myself out.
TCAL - you haven't offended me at all. I wish I'd realised that going out for a bit meant all day and beyond but I didn't. The worry is all me.

Bobarella

How great for DS to start learning. Good for him and you

Sorry you are still suffering because of DH. You are doing a great job keeping all the balls in the air that you have to manage, and don't forget it. No Cat bashing allowed.

takingcontrolatlast

My sentiments exactly Bobarella

Do not put yourself down CCL especially as a mum - honestly you are doing a marvellous job even when times are tough and I genuinely mean it :T

crazy_cat_lady

Morning all


Bit of a sneak on at work this morning. I've had a rough night (on the sofa) and been awake since before 5am. Made the most of it by doing an exercise DVD, a load of washing, dishes and feeding the cats. Of course by 6.30 when I had to get up I was absolutely exhausted and ready to go back to bed. I'm tired and worn out and fed up, and my brain is trying to destroy me. Ah well. I've been through rougher times than this and always come back fighting. Just about ready for a break and a rest, and payday.


I just wanted to thank you both Bob and TCAL for your kind words. I just do the best I can to keep going - I also worry all of the time about it which is my own fault entirely. I wish my brain had a pause button.


May not get on again tonight as it's ds football night. I want to but will have to see what time allows...

AspiringButAnxious

You are a perfectly good mother. Your kids are fed, clothed and not being abused by you, so you are doing better than many parents in the world. Beating yourself up for your perceived failings doesn't do anyone any favours — including you and your kids — so you need to find ways to focus on what you are doing well. And from what I've read, there ar lots of things you are doing well, so no excuses! Make a list and read it at least once a day. It sounds like a small thing, but it makes a big difference. You can't rely on your brain to remind you of these things when you have anxiety, so you need to have strategies in place.

Try googling CBT techniques to challenge your negative thoughts. And remember they are only thoughts — not the truth. Look for evidence to support and refute what you are thinking. For example, you said you are bad at interviews. So why are you bad at interviews? What evidence is there to support this? And what evidence is there against it? (Bonus clue: you have a job, so you were good enough in your interview to get it!) Also focus on the skills which make you a great candidate for the position and think about how you can convey that in the interview. I don't think anyone expects people to be perfect in interviews, so they will cut you some slack for being nervous. In fact, it's the people who come across as charmig and confident who are usually all surface and no substance with poor skills for the actual job.

Like I said about recognising when dh's illness is talking rather than him, recognise when your thoughts are your mental health problems "speaking". I know it's difficult, but it gets easier with practice. Also remember that you're not alone — feel free to pm me anytime if you would like to talk

crazy_cat_lady

Thanks ABA. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. My CBT feels like another lifetime ago and I've lost sight of some of those techniques a bit for myself. I do have my little 'rescue pack' which I'm supposed to read when I start to feel myself slipping. And I am slipping - I'm questioning anything and everything at the moment. So I'll make the effort to get on and find my CBT rescue pack. I need to try and not think too much about dh's behaviour at the moment because I'm probably reading too much into it... I'll get some worksheets out as well and look through them.
I'm really tired tonight and I need to take ds out to football training in about half an hour - don't think that I can even be bothered with crochet tonight. I think I'll just take a book to read and look forward to getting home and into bed. I've done the daily jobs and I've put some washing in the machine and made lunches. So I can just hope for a good night of sleep - you never know...
I'm falling behind at school a bit. Running extra science classes plus the bad news in the department has taken its toll a bit and it's been more than a few days since I marked a book. I can't find time tomorrow either because it's Year 11 parents evening and I am choc-a-block with appointments. Obviously I will get through it - one thing I know is that a good night's sleep would work wonders.