Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 2 - Groundhog Day

crazy_cat_lady

Well, well, well... what a rubbish and pants day yesterday turned into. I hold my hands up and admit that I'm really struggling. Please don't worry about me though if you are worrying - I know myself well enough to know that it's just a rough few days and that I need some time to process a few things, and I will be back better and stronger than I am at the moment. I really want to talk all this through with someone but not really sure where to turn at the moment while I'm so busy. I need to talk to someone not involved with anything at the moment...
So, you may remember me mentioning that a colleague's mam died over the weekend (someone in our department). Well, someone else in our department's dad died over the weekend as well. Another department member's dad was diagnosed with inoperable cancer yesterday, and another department member's dad has had a biopsy done on a lump recently and has been called in urgently for an appointment today. I feel completely devastated by the whole thing. I know I'm really lucky that both of my parents are doing ok and I'm grateful for that - but this stuff has hit me quite hard to be honest.
Then to top that off, the change in dh's working hours has left him really peeved. He got stupidly drunk the other night and was really down the next day, feeling guilty about it - then over the past couple of days he's gotten angry about the whole situation. When I asked him if it was work he said it was everything. He's decided that he's bored or fed up with his life and that there must be more to it. We had the conversation again about whether our relationship is worth working at, which completely floored me. I thought that things had been so much better since last year and that we were ok. I don't know how much he meant of the whole thing, but I was quite upset by it all. The one thing I do know though is that I can't or won't change anything else now. I've made the effort and I'm still trying hard to keep things going - if that's not what he wants then I can't make him want it. I feel strangely fine - I love him and I accept the bad along with the good, but I won't change myself to suit him. I really hope that he's just in a bit of a crisis himself at the moment and that I got the brunt of him feeling rubbish, but who knows. He needs to decide that for himself. I want him to be happy, and I wish he knew what would make him happy...
Another restless night of sleep - still the same issue with ds. He's become scarily obsessed with death and dying and I don't know what to do next so I'm just trying to ride that through and hope that it picks up soon.
I do feel better now that I've got everything out. I feel all quite helpless at the moment and that's not good for me because I like to feel useful to people.
Onto happier news. I did ok at book scrutiny today thankfully - Year 11 so I was quite worried. I'm not in the right frame of mind for interview prep but I've printed off the job spec so that I can prepare when I feel a bit better.
I am aware that this post must read miserably. However, I just need to process everything and get on with accepting what will be and looking after myself and the kids. I am genuinely ok.

Ratison

Hi Cat,

I hope you don't mind me commenting. Sounds like there's a lot of uncertainty and confusion going on in your house at the moment. I wonder, does DS's school have access to a counseling service? It could be good for him to chat about his anxieties with someone if he feels able to. Is DH as tuned in to what's going on with your son as you? What are his thoughts?

Bobarella

Oh Cat you poor thing. How much can come your way! Without knowing DH my first thought reading that was, it's the depression talking again. Isn't that a classic sign the pushing away, or attempting to push away loved ones? Self worth so low they genuinely don't believe that loved ones want to be around them. And the drinking again has been mentioned more recently as well. is it time to consult his doctor again do you think?
Totally get DH is an adult by the way and it isn't your job to sort him out, but knowing you I'm sure you will want to.

Sympathies entirely with DS. Poor lad must be very drained with all that anxiety going on.

It is also horrible having so many people struggling around you with terminal illness. I'd say you must be quite unlucky to have so many at once. I know having my FIL in treatment since last year has been a drain on my husband.

Hugs to you.

crazy_cat_lady

Hi Ratison
I don't mind you commenting at all. DS has access to the Young Carers service and has counselling through them. I've spoken to the specialist services and apparently am doing all of the right things. He's just a particularly anxious child unfortunately. Not trying to big myself up or anything, but I am very good at reading other people - more so than dh. He can become very insular. The problem I have is putting everyone else before me, or putting my own spin on other people and thinking I'm a mind reader

crazy_cat_lady

Thanks Bob - I am, and will be ok. I am always ok - I just feel a little bit low today. Just heard back from my friend whose dad was in today - it is a cancerous lump needing urgent treatment. I am SO lucky that we are all physically healthy (as far as I know - my own dad has had a couple of funny turns recently) but I feel so sad for everyone.
In brighter news, dh seems ok tonight - not peeved any more and chatty as normal. Hope he's ok...

Bobarella

God that is so sad. I hope the person will have the best outcome possible.

Well that I am glad to hear. Hopefully a more peaceful evening then.

Ratison

crazy_cat_lady wrote: »

Hi Ratison
I don't mind you commenting at all. DS has access to the Young Carers service and has counselling through them. I've spoken to the specialist services and apparently am doing all of the right things. He's just a particularly anxious child unfortunately. Not trying to big myself up or anything, but I am very good at reading other people - more so than dh. He can become very insular. The problem I have is putting everyone else before me, or putting my own spin on other people and thinking I'm a mind reader

You do a brilliant job of keeping everyone going, that's apparent. With regards to DH, I was just thinking about whether he shares some of that responsibility, though I appreciate his depression must make things like that harder for him.

crazy_cat_lady

I've woken up feeling like this today :mad: Look out Year 10 later Nagging headache.
I ended up ringing my mam last night just so I could speak to her and see for myself that she's ok. Happy news there is that she's agreed to help me with the kids when I have to go to London - she doesn't work Mondays so said that the kids can either stay over at hers or she'll pop over and get them when dh goes to work. So really no excuses for the interview now other than I need to do a stack of preparation for it. I will try and make a start on it over the weekend when hopefully my mood will lift a bit.
Meantime I've got a stack of work to get through today. I have an exam paper to write at school (must add that to my interview prep) with a mark scheme to change. My Year 10 books are desperate for marking and I am worn out. I'm busy prepping a load of bacon because I feel as though it's a bacon sandwich kind of day and I thought I'd take a load into work for everyone.

Bobarella

That's so great that you have your Mum on board for the interview! One less worry anyway.

SpekySquarehead

Hope you feel better soon, for your sake and the kids hahaha.