Advice. Mental and emotional abuse

Nargleblast

Kittie if your daughter has turned to you for help, and has discussed her marital troubles with you, then it is understandable you want to help. I would say give her the information she needs, contact details of agencies, solicitors, whatever is required, but resist temptation to spend hours running down her husband because if she did decide to give it another go then you would be the one looking daft, having called him everything from a pig to a dog!

Obviously you are in a better position to judge than any of us on here, and it is natural for you to take your daughter's side. If she truly wants out of her marriage, then she needs to know that whilst the proceedings have the potential to be unpleasant, the judge deciding the case will not be interested in who said what, or how nasty either party has been. All the judge will be interested in is 1. Has the marriage broken down irretrievably? 2. What arrangements have they agreed on for any children of the marriage and 3. What financial/property arrangements have been agreed?

Many solicitors will give a free half hour appointment where she can outline the situation and they can tell her the legal situation and give her some options to consider. As far as practicalities are concerned, I am sure you and other family will help out where possible, but do you know what? Even if she and the child go into a refuge it will only be for a while, and it will be the start of sorting things out. She will one day look back and see that she came through a bad time and survived.

Ideally she would be able to talk things through with her husband and reach agreement, but if not, then she has to take the first steps to change the situation. I do hope whatever she decides works out.

Tiddlywinks

I wonder what the daughter's husband would have to say for himself? Or, what his mum would have to say about his wife?

This is, after all, a second hand story which will always be told with a spin.

Let's face it, no one ever says 'mum, I'm changing jobs even though I know it will impact on home life but I don't care... I'm !!!! at the wife/mother stuff anyway so what the hell...'.

So many assumptions on this thread.

Why are we assuming the wife should leave and take the child? Why shouldn't the father have joint custody? After all, they will both be working long hours and have stressful jobs - what makes it more appropriate for the woman to get custody?

The daughter has a good job, is 'together' enough to apply and secure another job... why does she need her mum to tell her to get a bank account etc? Really? Why assume she's some shrinking violet?

Just because the husband acted less than enthusiastically about a change of job does not make him a tyrant - he might just be trying to inject some realism into the situation.

I wish people on here would just sometimes entertain the fact that not all women are victims and not all men are abusers.

Even the title of this thread - 'Mental and Emotional Abuse' is designed to be attention seeking.

The 'abuse' flag is run up the flagpole far too quickly on here - what next - villagers gathering with pitchforks?

FBaby

You also need to consider OP that they could still very well decide to work on their relationship and if so her feelings about I'm and his behaviour could change drastically. When she currently gets confort from you saying/agreeing that he is a bully, she could suddenly get angry with you for saying the same words. She will then be likely to confine in him and before you know it you've gone from supporting mum to interfering witch. It's important that if they do sort out their issues you can continue to have a good relationship with both.

troubleinparadise

Just a thought here - you haven't mentioned any other aspects of their relationship - so far their marriage seems to consist of two working people who are doing jobs that seem demanding and stressful, and a child who seemingly has a lot of homework or out of school activities that the father is very keen on.

Do the couple have any activities that they do together, or social life with friends? What do they do outside of their working hours and homework supervision?

I'm not getting a strong picture of a relationship here, almost just an existence.

Ilona

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

How can you possibly draw any comparison here - you know very, very little of what happened in either situation.

Stick to what you know and stop gossiping about another family's tragedy!

I am not gossiping at all, just quoting facts. Everyone else is putting themselves in the position of marriage guidance counsellor, which is not what the OP is asking for.

I can identify with what the OP is saying here, I understand her concerns about her daughter. I have been in a relationship with a controlling partner, someone who thought he could control my every waking moment, and it isn't nice. I was strong enough to get out after three years. My best friend was there for me when it all fell apart.

The reference to the recent tragedy in Spalding is relevant, it is a pattern happening over and over again. How many of those families left behind are saying, 'I wish I had done something'.

Ilona

paddy's_mum

kittie wrote: »

Thank you I have forwarded all the links to her. I have to go offline now as I am getting bogged down and don`t want it to affect my emotional well being

Differing viewpoints within the replies apart, it sounds to me as though this is a mother with her heart in the right place and her head properly screwed on. She is asking the right questions in the right places and listening to the answers.

I'm quite sure that she is taking on board all the warnings about getting too closely involved but at the end of the day, this is the wellbeing and welfare of her daughter and grandchild.

You go, kittie, and I hope that it all comes out okay in the end.

I'm reminded of a line in the novel 'National Velvet' where Mrs Brown asks if it's better to do the wrong thing for the right reasons or the right thing for the wrong reasons. Discuss ....:)

Mojisola

Of course we only have one side of the story - that's all we ever get on forums. We can only ever advise on the information given.

It sounds to me, from the first post, that this is an on-going situation that has steadily got worse and the new job is probably going to be the catalyst that forces either productive discussion and changes within the relationship or a break-up.

I certainly don't assume that the mother should automatically become the PWC but if the father would like his wife to be a stay-at-home spouse, it suggests, again to me, that he may not want to become the main carer.

If a break-up does happen, good parents will put the child's interests first and make arrangements between them that are best for her.

If he is controlling, it is only sensible for the wife to make sure that she has access to or copies of important paperwork. That would be the same advice for the man if it was the woman who was controlling.

kittie wrote: »

When her dad handed her over in marriage, the husband promised to look after her, her dad would be gutted and I am glad he is not here to see this

kittie wrote: »

The partnership should be equal and is not. Nothing would please him more if she stayed at home full time ie became fully dependent

This is the bit that suggests this couple went into the relationship without really discussing their joint expectations in detail.

The husband seemed to want a spouse that he would be responsible for and probably expected that she would therefore fit into the nuturing role. It sounds as if his wife-to-be parents agreed with his expectations.

If she wanted an equal relationship, the expectation would be that they would both look after each other and share the responsibility for bringing money into the family, doing the chores and sharing the child rearing.

It could be that mediation or couple counselling could help them resolve these issues - it's got to be worth a try if both of them would go.

Dill

Bearnard wrote: »

If it was my daughter I would be in the husbands face giving him what for and reminding him of the promises he made my daughter. It's not interfering it is protecting and part of my job as a parent, your role doesn't end the minute they hit 18 which you clearly know but others don't.

I wish my mother had stepped in when my ex was being abusive towards me, if she had loved me that much and been that concerned.

If she wants the job she should accept it.. he is her husband not her owner!

Life is way too short to be made miserable by others.

Your job as a parent does not include fighting your adult children's battles for them!

What could or should your own mother have done differently?

Mojisola

Bearnard wrote: »

I
I wish my mother had stepped in when my ex was being abusive towards me, if she had loved me that much and been that concerned.

Dill wrote: »

Your job as a parent does not include fighting your adult children's battles for them!

What could or should your own mother have done differently?

Parents (and other relatives and friends) can make the difference between someone getting out of a bad relationship or staying in it because they can't see the way out themselves.

One of the results of abuse is that you start to feel everything that's wrong is your fault and you become too dependent on the abuser to make your own decisions.

Having someone outside the relationship who is willing to say "I'm on your side/I'll help with the practical stuff/I'll be here when you're ready to leave/I'll look up information for you/etc" can make all the difference.

Money_maker

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

and that's really going to help!

This posters next line is I wish my mother had stepped in when my ex was being abusive towards me, if she had loved me that much and been that concerned.

Heartbreaking, who would want to hear their daughter make this kind of statement?