Advice. Mental and emotional abuse

Mojisola

kittie wrote: »

Today my daughter learned that she had been successful in getting her dream job, only 10 miles from home.

Her present job is with a public company and is stressful beyond belief.

Dill wrote: »

To me it sounds like his idea of domestic arrangements is far removed from hers. He wants a housewife who can look after the child and home, but she wants to work outside the home in a rewarding job.

But she is already working outside the house. The main change is that the new job will be less stressful.

basil92

I just hope the daughter accepted the new job!!!

Dill

Mojisola wrote: »

But she is already working outside the house. The main change is that the new job will be less stressful.

And he was already unhappy with her being out working, was he not? The new job requires her to work longer hours.

Ilona

Dill wrote: »

I think this post is in very poor taste.

Sorry if I offended anyone, just pointing out that it happens.
Ilona

Dill

Ilona wrote: »

Sorry if I offended anyone, just pointing out that it happens.
Ilona

Extremely rarely. I don't think any of us really know what drove that man to do what he did. They had other grown-up children who now have to deal with the aftermath, and the inevitable online comments

splishsplash

I think you're in an invidious position, OP. Being too helpful could bite you later on if your daughter ends up staying with her husband.

If your daughter is telling you that she definitely wants to split from her husband, keep your opinions to yourself. Don't defend him, don't villify him, just hear what she is saying.

Gently feel out what she has already put in place or what she is thinking about. She needs to protect herself as much as possible in advance of leaving financially and emotionally.

She needs a separate bank account, she needs to take copies of everything that relates to their joint finances; his finances including savings, salary and pension; their property; any other assets. She needs to secure her own passport, birth cert, take a copy of her marriage cert, her daughter's birth cert, ideally her daughter's passport.

She needs to think about where she is going to live with her daughter after they move out. Practically, this means thinking about school, friends, hobbies, extended family.

It would be good to have her meet with a solicitor to discuss the practicalities of preparing to separate.

Detroit

Mojisola wrote: »

But she is already working outside the house. The main change is that the new job will be less stressful.

There's always a possibility that, knowing his wife is stressed in her current role, he thinks taking on extra hours could make this worse.

I agree with Guest in that from what has been posted, this doesn't seem to be out of the ordinary behaviour.

In the OPs position I'd be there, listen, provide factual information if asked, but wouldn't be in a hurry to share my opinion on the husband.
If this turns out to be a rough patch and they stay together, it could be awkward if OP has been too critical.

Mojisola

Dill wrote: »

And he was already unhappy with her being out working, was he not? The new job requires her to work longer hours.

And that gives him the right to tell her she can't take the new job?

Ms_Chocaholic

Bearnard wrote: »

If it was my daughter I would be in the husbands face giving him what for and reminding him of the promises he made my daughter. It's not interfering it is protecting and part of my job as a parent, your role doesn't end the minute they hit 18 which you clearly know but others don't.

and that's really going to help!

mumps

21st century and still assumed the children will live with the mother. I bet if he was taking the child's birth certificate and passport and hiding them at a friends or relatives house people would be calling him all sorts.

Maybe the child would like to live with her dad?

How much of a helicopter parent forcing the child to do homework if he isn't home till 7 and then goes on the computer for half an hour. How old is the child, she might be off to bed by 7.30.

If his wife is unhappy at work maybe he is having to cope with alot and doesn't feel able to cope if she is working longer hours and maybe still unhappy?

Of course he might be a monster but I don't think what has been described is particularly horrific without knowing more.

Just wanted to add that I agree with MissBiggles, it is not a good idea to get too involved with personal relationships with grown up children. Listen and say nothing is usually good advice. I have seen more than one mother who has ended up with a poor relationship with a son in law and even with her daughter when she has been too involved and then when the young couple make up she is the baddy. I also know wives who have forgiven husbands for some wrong doing and regret having told their mother because even if the wife forgives her mother can't. I'm not saying you should care, listen, worry and a room ready if she needs it but least said soonest mended.