Advice. Mental and emotional abuse

[Deleted User]

I have no experience to help my daughter. She is at the end of her tether, tried over and over again with her 8 year marriage. eg Today my daughter learned that she had been successful in getting her dream job, only 10 miles from home. Her present job is with a public company and is stressful beyond belief. She was over the moon and told her husband, who immediately said no, you cannot work more hours and he slammed the phone down. A normal husband would have been delighted that his wife was so happy

This is just one thing, there are many many others, wrecking her self confidence etc. She is a brilliant mum but he is a helicopter dad who thinks that their daughter should be doing homework every single day of the year, he does it with her, he hovers. He is using the daughter as a wedge. He is making their 8 year old daughter very dependent on him, like he tries to do with my daughter

My daughter really has tried very hard, he won`t talk. Gets home at 7 and goes straight upstairs onto his computer games for half an hour. He is in a stressful job with a public company, an hour away from home

He is not controlling with money but with my daughters time and self esteem. I cannot go into everything here. I have counselled her over and over about being nice, being flexible etc and I am certain that she has tried very hard. Their marriage is over, I am sure of that. I have suggested that she gets her own bank account set up and I have sent her a list of mediation companies in her area

What next? How on earth is she going to move ahead to get out of this marriage. They have a mortgaged house with about 200k equity but no savings. I can help her financially

When her dad handed her over in marriage, the husband promised to look after her, her dad would be gutted and I am glad he is not here to see this but I need help as I am the one she is turning to and need to give her the right advice

Guest101

kittie wrote: »

I have no experience to help my daughter. She is at the end of her tether, tried over and over again with her 8 year marriage. eg Today my daughter learned that she had been successful in getting her dream job, only 10 miles from home. Her present job is with a public company and is stressful beyond belief. She was over the moon and told her husband, who immediately said no, you cannot work more hours and he slammed the phone down. A normal husband would have been delighted that his wife was so happy - But can she work more hours? Does childcare allow it? Is there a practical reason why it's not appropriate. Surely they discussed her applying, interview etc before now.

This is just one thing, there are many many others, wrecking her self confidence etc. She is a brilliant mum but he is a helicopter dad who thinks that their daughter should be doing homework every single day of the year, he does it with her, he hovers. He is using the daughter as a wedge. He is making their 8 year old daughter very dependent on him, like he tries to do with my daughter - I'm not sure that any of that makes him a bad dad. A daughter should rely on her father. If he's being a hands on dad, that's a good thing. Given he comes home at 7 and plays computer until 7.30 the daughter has had plenty of play time until that point

My daughter really has tried very hard, he won`t talk. Gets home at 7 and goes straight upstairs onto his computer games for half an hour. He is in a stressful job with a public company, an hour away from home - Nothing really wrong with de-stressing after full day work + an hour commute. 30 minutes of personal time seems perfectly reasonable

He is not controlling with money but with my daughters time and self esteem. - in what way? I cannot go into everything here. I have counselled her over and over about being nice, being flexible etc and I am certain that she has tried very hard. Their marriage is over, I am sure of that. I have suggested that she gets her own bank account set up and I have sent her a list of mediation companies in her area

What next? How on earth is she going to move ahead to get out of this marriage. They have a mortgaged house with about 200k equity but no savings. I can help her financially

When her dad handed her over in marriage, the husband promised to look after her, her dad would be gutted and I am glad he is not here to see this but I need help as I am the one she is turning to and need to give her the right advice

I appreciate you say that's not everything, and there may well be genuine abuse, but from what you have written I don't see anything particularly 'bad'.


Now there doesn't have to be 'bad' for a marriage to end, people drift apart and fall out of love and whatever. But there's no point in portraying one party as the cause unless that's actually the reason.


Some real, serious, examples would probably help people guide you, and your daughter, as to entitlement to legal aid, help groups etc - if appropriate.


Based on what you've written though I'd say that it would be inappropriate to access public funds for this case.


Women's aid have an excellent website with practical advice and a hotline.

Mojisola

kittie wrote: »

Today my daughter learned that she had been successful in getting her dream job, only 10 miles from home. Her present job is with a public company and is stressful beyond belief.

She was over the moon and told her husband, who immediately said no, you cannot work more hours and he slammed the phone down.

Didn't he know that she was applying for the new job? Didn't they discuss how the extra hours she would have to work would be managed within the family?

Often, with a controlling partner, it's the myriad of tiny things that become unacceptable. Each thing on its own can seem too small to get upset about - it can take an issue like this for the whole thing to be blown apart.

Have a look on the Women's Aid website for information and perhaps your daughter could phone their helpline. There are patterns in relationships that are evident when more details can be given.

[Deleted User]

she would not be looking for public funds. Yes I agree with what you say and believe that that point of separation has been reached. Her husband will not discuss childcare with her. He only knows people with stay home wives. The partnership should be equal and is not. Nothing would please him more if she stayed at home full time ie became fully dependent

I really want practicalities now ie how should she go about separation, what steps to take if mediation fails

Mojisola

kittie wrote: »

Yes I agree with what you say and believe that that point of separation has been reached.

http://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/ is a good place to find help if things have reached that point.

Ms_Chocaholic

But does she share the same view as you .... that her marriage is over.

fairy_lights

kittie wrote: »

I really want practicalities now ie how should she go about separation, what steps to take if mediation fails

I know you've already suggested it to her, but setting up her own bank account and getting her wages paid in to it is essential.

[Deleted User]

Mojisola wrote: »

Didn't he know that she was applying for the new job? Didn't they discuss how the extra hours she would have to work would be managed within the family?

Often, with a controlling partner, it's the myriad of tiny things that become unacceptable. Each thing on its own can seem too small to get upset about - it can take an issue like this for the whole thing to be blown apart.

Have a look on the Women's Aid website for information and perhaps your daughter could phone their helpline. There are patterns in relationships that are evident when more details can be given.

That is exactly what is happening. Re discuss the extra hours, dd can pick her own hours to fit in with childcare. Husband is refusing any discussion. Dd did try and discuss but husband did not want to know. He should be delighted as daughter has been so stressed and in tears in her present job. New job means that she is in charge and will be so much happier

[Deleted User]

fairy_lights wrote: »

I know you've already suggested it to her, but setting up her own bank account and getting her wages paid in to it is essential.

thank you so much. That is just what I wanted to know. The practicalities. I didn`t know about her money getting paid into it, so that is new already

[Deleted User]

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

But does she share the same view as you .... that her marriage is over.

of course, we have spoken lots and in the past I was the one who defended her husband

Mojisola

kittie wrote: »

thank you so much. That is just what I wanted to know. The practicalities. I didn`t know about her money getting paid into it, so that is new already

She should also get things like her and her daughter's passports, birth certs, etc and keep them safe out of the house (with you or a friend's house).

It's also worth making copies of other important paperwork - mortgage, bank statements, insurance certs and so on.

When a controlling partner starts to lose power over their partner, things can turn nasty and it's best to be prepared.