Advice. Mental and emotional abuse

Dill

Mojisola wrote: »

Parents (and other relatives and friends) can make the difference between someone getting out of a bad relationship or staying in it because they can't see the way out themselves.

There is a line between offering assistance to a person who needs it and getting personally involved in the imperfections of your adult child's marriage.

That user said

If it was my daughter I would be in the husbands face giving him what for and reminding him of the promises he made my daughter.

- totally inappropriate, and over the top!

Tiddlywinks

Dill wrote: »

There is a line between offering assistance to a person who needs it and getting personally involved in the imperfections of your adult child's marriage.

^^^ I agree.

Have a look at some of the OP's older threads - she does seem to want to take an active role in managing her children's lives... perhaps because she has lost her husband and now needs to still feel involved in and part of a wider family.

Sometimes people want to get involved far more than is actually needed.

jamiehelsinki

Turn this on its head, how does your daughter treat your son in law?

seven-day-weekend

missbiggles1 wrote: »

It do think parents (however well meaning) should stay out of their adult children's personal affairs.

What if they have asked for help, you don't just shrug, do you? I can understand how difficult it is for Kittie.

I would advise things like the bank account, but also mediation. I would also try not to take sides (difficult).

I must admit, however, that it seems like misunderstandings on both sides; he doesn't seem particularly controlling to me. Maybe he genuinely doesn't want her to work extra hours for very good reasons.. Was it discussed beforehand?

Detroit

Money_maker wrote: »

This posters next line is I wish my mother had stepped in when my ex was being abusive towards me, if she had loved me that much and been that concerned.

Heartbreaking, who would want to hear their daughter make this kind of statement?

Nobody.
Which is why the adult child of a good parent should know that their parents will always be there for them. If asked.
Good parents demonstrate this everyday of their child's life by being open and accessible, without interfering and judging.
This is not the same as a parent overlooking their adult child's life and taking the actions the parent feels to be for the best.
Adult children are adults, not children, and should take responsibility for asking for help if they need it.
While it's heartbreaking if help was asked for and not forthcoming, it would be unfair to blame a parent for not somehow knowing help was needed if they weren't asked.

-taff

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

You are NOT using FACTS - you are making assumptions based on your own experience of a 'controlling relationship'.

To liken this to a recent murder is just poor taste and sensationalism.

How dare you assume that the family feel they are to blame for the deaths. Unless you were there every day, or have been involved in the coroner's enquiries, then you know nothing of the facts.

Don't confuse facts with tittle tattle and surmising.

Don't overlay your prejudices onto others - it can be damaging and hurtful.

And don't misunderstand what was written.

She said
How many of those families left behind are saying, 'I wish I had done something'.

Which says nowhere the family feel themselves to blame. It says to me, that it's a common thing if a tragedy happens, that people ask themselves what could they have done, not 'I am to blame'.

You are deliberately re-interpreting written words to support your own outrage.

Ilona

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

^^^ I agree.

Have a look at some of the OP's older threads - she does seem to want to take an active role in managing her children's lives... perhaps because she has lost her husband and now needs to still feel involved in and part of a wider family.

Sometimes people want to get involved far more than is actually needed.

Now who's making assumptions, Tiddlywinks? Are you a qualified counsellor then? You can work out what is going on in people's minds?

Ilona

mumps

I don't think it is simply a question of do you get involved or not. Most abused women go back 2 or 3 times before making the final break. Just think what happens if Kittie advises her daughter to take and hide things like the child's passport and after a time her daughter returns. Her husband is upset that she showed such lack of trust in him and she says well mum thought it was a good idea. Now husband has what to him is a good reason to exclude Kittie. His wife wants to try to make a go of things, maybe she still loves him despite the problems, maybe she thinks she owes it to her daughter, maybe she is just scared and overwhelmed at being on her own. So she listens to him and mum is excluded. The abuse escalates and where does she turn now, who is aware of how bad it is if her own mum can't be involved.

I know someone who this happened to. Eventually with alot of help and support from friends/colleagues she escaped and was reunited with her family. She would have avoided many injuries if she had still been in contact with mum and felt she had somewhere to go.

Keeping in touch, being a good listener is vital but she should get professional help, doesn't matter if husband hates the solicitor or the woman from Relate or whatever.

Just my experience.