Should I keep going to see my dad?

Mr_Toad

One thing that I forgot to say is that I do wonder what the future holds for me.

Both my parents suffered from dementia so I do wonder if I will too. Having seen it and how it affects people it's a thought that terrifies me.

It isn't just the major things, I can recall all manner of little things that to Mum or Dad took on such importance that it made them so very distressed.

I once spent the whole day taken up with one such event.

I was in my office working, it was 08.00 and I'd just settled down when Mum came in.

Mum - I don't think the front door bell is working.
Me - yes it is mum, it's fine.
Mum - I'll go and try it, listen and make sure it is working.
Me - OK.

And off she went downstairs where she opened the door and pressed the bell which, of course, was working fine. Then she came back upstairs into the office.

Mum - I've tried it and it isn't working.
Me - Yes it is Mum, I heard it just fine.
Mum - Oh, good I was worried that we might not know if someone comes.

And off she went. She had hardly got to the bottom of the stairs when I heard her coming back up and we had exactly the same conversation as above with the same result.

She kept this up all day and into the evening, over twelve hours! Nothing I said or did would divert her or distract her. However, she never did it again on any other day.

She was 81 at the time, she was, and still is extremely fit but I have no idea how she managed to go up and down stairs every 15 minutes for over 12 hours!

On another occasion it was the wheelie bin, she was in and out all day convinced someone else was putting rubbish in it. Not possible, there is nobody else close enough to use the bin.

I dread this happening to me.

EpsomOldie

How very sad. Being a man (and a toad) you probably don't do hugs, but here's one anyway ( ).

In a way I'm fortunate as I have no dependants and no close family. I have long believed that although I may not have control of what happens To me, I have absolute control over how I deal with it. Who knows how things might pan out, but I hope I would be able to take matters into my own hands so to speak.

workingalwaysworking

I haven't read the whole thread - but yes please do go and visit!

I say this as I work in a care home for people with dementia. It's a bloody horrible disease. I have to say though it is heart breaking to have residents who don't have any visitors.

When you dad asks about your mam - just say she is out shopping, or at the hairdressers or gone to see friends and she'll be back later...something like that.

xx

PoorCharleyBear

Alzheimers manifests itself differently in everyone it seems.

My mother would usually know who her daughters were, but not her son (very infrequent visitor). but she never recognised anyone beside us- not grandchildren, carers, spouses (despite one being married for 30 years!)

But she always loved visitors no matter who they were- as she complained the day was too long otherwise.

I dread the thought of succumbing to dementia. Hope euthanasia is legal if I am diagnosed.

clairec79

PoorCharleyBear wrote: »

Alzheimers manifests itself
But she always loved visitors no matter who they were- as she complained the day was too long otherwise.

Depending on how she is it may not make a difference to how she perceives the length of the day. I know my parents had visited my nan and then left only to find someone had bumped their car so my mum went back in while dad sorted it out.

My nan said it was nice to see my mum as she hadn't seen her for a few weeks - had been max of 10 minutes.

Of course she also told everyone she was in her 90s (to the point that the staff rang to check her date of birth) - every time she had a nap she thought it was a new day - and she napped a lot.
Sounds horrible but part of me thinks it would have been kinder if she had died several years earlier when she broke her neck

Mr_Toad

When I visited Mum they served us with endless tea and biscuits. I would occasionally get up to go to the loo, there was one just across from the lounge area. I'd be gone just long enough to use the facilities and wash my hands, no more than three or four minutes, and Mum would think that I'd just arrived!

On the up side every time I went she would think that I'd been yesterday, I used to visit once a week.

bouicca21

If you don't visit you will probably come to regret it later. Of course it is heartbreaking to see a loved one disintegrate but if nothing else one of the important things about visiting is the ability to check that the care is adequate and the carers are kind. There are too many stories of abusive carers to take a risk.

flybynight

we had issues with my grandad as he got older and he ended up in a home. he found visits with my parents a struggle and eventually used to not really say anything to them. they were very much " do you remember this" "what have you done today" etc and also used to try and remind him his wife had died. I took a different approach and used to have very low key visits. general chat, often about sports etc. i found one of his favourite conversations was about work and what i had been up to. i think this was because it didnt involve questioning him, he could just throw in anecdotes and information about his working life as it came to him. as a side note one of the visits that seemed to bring him most pleasure was when i was duty driver and managed to wangle a couple of hours off in the van, when he discovered i was on works time and diesel he was over the moon and spent the next 20 minutes telling every carer that would listen. i also found taht having a phytical object to talk about and ' look at ' helped. for example i once took a map i needed to work out a route on and was doing that at the table and he was helping and pointing things out ( it possibly helps that we have / had similar jobs). i found never asking him open ended questions was helpful "im having a drink would you like a tea or some juice" rather than "what would you like to drink. he definately got less stressed by my visits than my parents.

DigForVictory

Some of our Socuts visited an old folks home - the intention being that they young 'uns would teach the old 'uns how to use the tablet computers. Well, that happened, but much more as a sideline.

Our Scouts learned a *bundle* of things, like better ways to tie a fly to a fishing line, to watch out for various trees & bushes that should give edible fruit (& how long to simmer the jam for) and one lass was handed an eyebrow pencil and urged to draw a seam on so she didn't look as if she too poor to afford stockings.

The finale was a scout singsong & my word, the residents made a *much* better showing than the scouts. Experience, I consoled one disconsolate lad, and suggested he ask one notably twinkly eyed gent if there were any other words to that song. Yes there were: the military version (which I'd heard) & the "marching version" (which the girls were excused from!) Our girls scouts, after assorted speaking looks, cooperated, but were promptly taught on the walk back!

Please, keep visiting your dad, and when in doubt, sing? You'll have more memories of him, that you want to keep.

Mojisola

DigForVictory wrote: »

Please, keep visiting your dad, and when in doubt, sing?

As with all general advice, make sure it suits the individual you're visiting.

Last month, I visited a relative who had just come from a 'Reminiscence' session at the day centre. The staff had played a lot of music and kept insisting that, because of his age, he must know the songs but he had grown up way out in the country with no electricity (so no radio) and rarely heard the songs that were popular at the time.