Should I keep going to see my dad?

Gibb0

My dad has alzheimer's and I go to see him once every 2 weeks as the care home he is in is far away. Every single time I go and visit him he doesn't remember who I am and that I came down to see him 2 weeks prior. It's so painful that he doesn't remember me but I also understand of course...

The problem is he gets very emotional and upset and realises he is losing his mind when he finally does remember me after about 15 minutes of telling him about our past. Then he apologies for forgetting who I am etc and it's just terrible for him.

Sometimes I think it would just be better to not go and visit him any more and let him forget about me completely so he doesn't have to keep reliving the realisation that he has alzheimer's and is literally losing his memories.

I went to see him yesterday and I saw him just sitting in the communal lounge watching tv and he seemed like he was in his own little world, I thought perhaps it's best to just leave him in his own little world.

His wife (my mother) died 5 years back and every time he asks where she is and when she is coming to visit, I have to tell him that she died and he asks how she died etc and gets all upset. It's so heartbreaking to see him like that.

What on Earth do I do... I love him to pieces obviously but at this point I think visiting him is doing him more harm than good. I'm just not sure.

Kynthia

I don't know as I've no experience of this fortunately. Could tge staff there give you any advice? Perhaps they can reassure you he's happy without you there or they might tell you that even though he gets upset during your visits it's brief and he's happier after and it's worth continuing. What they say may help you decide.

I personally would tell him your mum is visiting soon and then change the subject rather than keep reminding him of her death. It seems like it's upsetting you both unnecessarily when he'll forget either way. I hope you find an answer soon though.

Gibb0

Kynthia wrote: »

I don't know as I've no experience of this fortunately. Could tge staff there give you any advice? Perhaps they can reassure you he's happy without you there or they might tell you that even though he gets upset during your visits it's brief and he's happier after and it's worth continuing. What they say may help you decide.

I personally would tell him your mum is visiting soon and then change the subject rather than keep reminding him of her death. It seems like it's upsetting you both unnecessarily when he'll forget either way. I hope you find an answer soon though.

Thanks for your advice. I decided that it I didn't want to lie and say she was alive in fear that he may remember that she hasn't visited him once since he has been there and how terrible that would make him feel, if he thought she was alive. So I didn't want to lie to him about that.

My guess is 5 minutes after I leave he forgets I was even there so maybe it makes no difference what I tell him. I think asking the nurses about his emotions when I'm not there is a really good idea, thanks.

tea_lover

That must be really hard, it's such a tough situation to be in.

We had similar with a relative a few years ago (not quite the same, as their mental issues came and went, so you never knew what you were going to get when you visited - one day he'd be completely with it and chatting about world events, the next he'd think he was at work). If you do decide to keep visiting, maybe try and be in his world, rather than trying to make him remember, iyswim. When my relative used to ask about his wife (she'd died several years previously) I'd say she was coming later, or just chatting to someone else downstairs, or at work (depending on how 'far back' he was that day). Yes, it was lying, but generally he'd be happy enough with the answer and move onto something else.

Same as when he thought he was working, I'd sit next to him and hand him the imaginary spanners he was asking for.

If when you visit he doesn't recognise you, maybe don't try and tell him who you are, just have a chat as a 'general' visitor - could be easier on you both. Not that any of this is easy of course, I hope you find a way through that helps. Take care x.

Mojisola

tea_lover wrote: »

If you do decide to keep visiting, maybe try and be in his world, rather than trying to make him remember, iyswim.

When my relative used to ask about his wife (she'd died several years previously) I'd say she was coming later, or just chatting to someone else downstairs, or at work (depending on how 'far back' he was that day). Yes, it was lying, but generally he'd be happy enough with the answer and move onto something else.

Same as when he thought he was working, I'd sit next to him and hand him the imaginary spanners he was asking for.

If when you visit he doesn't recognise you, maybe don't try and tell him who you are, just have a chat as a 'general' visitor - could be easier on you both.

Bearnard wrote: »

Could you tell him his wife is coming to see him 'tomorrow' or 'Thursday'?? If he is unlikely to remember tomorrow?

Do they not tell him you are coming and remind him who you are with photos before your visit? Would he be able to have an album with pictures of you from a baby to now. Also with other people, because they often remember stuff from years ago he might be able to keep these things closer.

I would 100% go with tea lover's advice - it's much kinder on the person with dementia.

Don't try to make him remember - all you will do is make him upset.

Take your clues from him - call him by his first name rather than Dad, introduce yourself to him every time by your first name (you don't have to mention you are his child). Talk about general things - don't ask questions that are too specific.

I heard an interview with Cliff Richard talking about his mother's dementia. She had no idea who he was when he visited apart the odd occasion when she would say "Has anyone ever told you that you look like that singer Cliff Richard?" even though she didn't recognise him as her son.

The book "Contented Dementia" gives an explanation that I found useful - a dementia patient's memory is like a photo album but the photos are gradually fading to nothing (usually from the most recent times first). Imagine how upsetting it would be for you if you were looking through an album with lots of blank spaces and someone beside you kept insisting "You must be able to see what's there!" You would get upset and/or angry, just like dementia patients do when faced with the same kind of challenge.

Keep visiting so that you can make sure his care stays good and that other health problems are dealt with properly.

Anyone who has been through this with close relatives knows how hard it is. Use the dementia forums to share the pain with other people or get some counselling if that would suit you.

Pollycat

tea_lover wrote: »

That must be really hard, it's such a tough situation to be in.

We had similar with a relative a few years ago (not quite the same, as their mental issues came and went, so you never knew what you were going to get when you visited - one day he'd be completely with it and chatting about world events, the next he'd think he was at work). If you do decide to keep visiting, maybe try and be in his world, rather than trying to make him remember, iyswim. When my relative used to ask about his wife (she'd died several years previously) I'd say she was coming later, or just chatting to someone else downstairs, or at work (depending on how 'far back' he was that day). Yes, it was lying, but generally he'd be happy enough with the answer and move onto something else.

Same as when he thought he was working, I'd sit next to him and hand him the imaginary spanners he was asking for.

If when you visit he doesn't recognise you, maybe don't try and tell him who you are, just have a chat as a 'general' visitor - could be easier on you both. Not that any of this is easy of course, I hope you find a way through that helps. Take care x.

I think this is very good advice. :T

onlyroz

My husband hasn't seen his mum in 5 years, because she doesn't know who he, or anybody else, is. His sister still visits but I don't know what either of them get out of the visits. She is currently in a very advanced state of dementia and cannot perform any action without assistance. The last time I enquired about her I was told that she simply "exists" and so I cannot really see any benefit from visits beyond checking that she is being properly cared for.


If you stop visiting be prepared for other people to tell you that you're cruel, heartless and neglectful. Perhaps if your dad still has lucid moments then you could still visit occasionally, but as said above don't try and push him to remember anything.

Pollycat

I was going to post that my Dad had dementia and used to go to an adult day centre a couple of times a week.

The first time he came back, I asked him what he'd had for lunch.

The look of sheer panic on his face as he tried to remember was heart-wrenching.
But it did teach us not to put him in a situation where he had to remember things.

Luckily, he remembered immediate family but not my OH - we'd been together over 25 years at the time.

Alice_Walker

We were in this situation with my grandad, and even at his worst we still went to see him each week. We'd listen to music, eat biscuits, sit and watch the world go by. If he wanted to make conversation then we would, but nothing was ever forced to avoid pressuring him.

I'm sorry but I can't imagine ever turning my back on a loved one when they were ill. How would you feel when the inevitable happens, knowing you'd not been there? I'm not disputing how painful it is to watch a loved one go through this horrible condition, but walking away should not be an option.

tea_lover

onlyroz wrote: »

My husband hasn't seen his mum in 5 years, because she doesn't know who he, or anybody else, is. His sister still visits but I don't know what either of them get out of the visits. She is currently in a very advanced state of dementia and cannot perform any action without assistance. The last time I enquired about her I was told that she simply "exists" and so I cannot really see any benefit from visits beyond checking that she is being properly cared for.

That's quite a biggie though.

Alikay

I'd keep visiting: If nothing else, you'll be seeing that his care is still good, and maintaining a relationship with the care home in case any aspects of his care need discussing or reviewing in the future. I know it's hard for you to see him like this, but overseeing his care is one thing you can do for him, and may make a difference.

If he has forgotten that your mum is dead, it may be kinder to not remind him of it, so he doesn't have to keep experiencing the raw, new grief every time, What do his carers say about it? How do they deal with it when he asks them about her?