Should I keep going to see my dad?

enthusiasticsaver

My MIL had dementia and I would reiterate what many others on here have said and do not push memories onto your Dad. Just have a general chat and talk about stuff he does remember. My MIL used to remember stories about her childhood as if it were yesterday. Do not correct your Dad or try and jog his memory as you have found it will upset him although this is a symptom of Alzheimers or Dementia anyway.

I would continue to visit him as I think the reassurance that he is being well cared for is critical and it will help you in the long run to know you did your best for him. So sorry for the position you find yourself in. Alzheimers, Dementia is awful on the whole family.

EpsomOldie

Mr_Toad wrote: »

Sadly I have lived with the consequences of dementia for over 10 years. I am an only child and little or no other family so there was only me to deal with it.

What is so sad is what it reduces people to, they become a shell that looks like a loved one but the inner person is gone. It is also indiscriminate in who it strikes.

I had a privileged idyllic childhood with my wonderful parents and I would have loved for them to have spent their latter years with their memories intact. They have missed out on seeing their grandchildren grow into wonderful adults and have children of their own.

It has affected my children who were very close to my parents. My daughter and my Dad were inseparable when she was little. She used to go to work with him in the holidays, he had his own building and civil engineering company. She could make a bobcat and a JCB dance by the time she was 7, odd really because I was never allowed anywhere near one!

On the down side she also had some very colourful language, something Dad got endless grief about from Mum when she heard some of her more colourful comments. This despite the fact that I never heard my Dad swear.

Hi Mr Toad. Reading this, I remembered reading one of your posts ages ago that made me laugh out loud at the time and still does so now. It was along the lines of your father and your little daughter gazing thoughtfully at a pile of material that had been delivered to a site (in error?)' and musing what to do with it...your daughter said she didn't know but it would "be a bas!tard to shift".

Edited to say: I found your account of your experiences, and your advice very moving and also very useful. You sound like a great person - I'm guessing you're a man from your name.

PasturesNew

When I visited my mum it was a wait until she realised who I was. I asked her one day ... and she sort of knew... she stared hard at me and said "You're not ..." then looked again and said "and you're not ...." and then she looked and looked and finally said "you're the other one".



Most of the time I found she thought I'd just left/visited, so I would only go once every 3 months or so.

Mojisola

Brickwall wrote: »

I found that if she was in the lounge with her friends the visit would be so much easier, the conversation seemed to flow easier.

We also did this. Some visitors arrived and immediately took their relative off to their room - sometimes I'd pass the rooms and they were all sitting there, staring at each other, trying to make stilted conversations.

Sometimes, a bit of privacy is necessary but for the most part, we stayed in the lounge with Dad. We got to know the other residents and conversations flowed between everyone in the room. (And it was nice for the people who didn't get many visitors.)

It's not so easy once the illness really takes hold and all the residents are living in their own little worlds but much more social up til that stage.

Savvy_Sue

Gibb0 wrote: »

Thanks for all your great comments. I'll keep visiting him and I do ask the carers about him and how he's been doing.

I'd also ask their advice about whether he's better at any particular time of day: sometimes that's evident.

The Contented Dementia book was mentioned earlier: there's a whole heap of info about that here.

It IS difficult: FIL keeps asking after my parents. MIL and BIL are all for honesty (I should say "they're dead dad, and yes we did tell you as you were at each of their funerals"), but I try to spin him along.

My last attempt - after all my siblings had a rare lunch together and then went to visit their 'tree' in the natural burial ground - was "Oh, they're fine, they don't get out so much these days but they're in a lovely place called Oak View, splendid views. We all went to see them the other day."

This was fine for a few minutes, and then he said "You're not going to tell me they're dead are you? I'm so sorry, I don't mean to upset you." I'm not upset: I know he's not doing it on purpose, but he's sometimes upset by it.

When he repeatedly asks after the grandsons, I'm sometimes tempted to come out with something outrageous like they're crocodile hunting in darkest Peru, but I worry he'd remember that and not the more mundane "at work" response! :rotfl:

Mr_Toad

EpsomOldie wrote: »

Hi Mr Toad. Reading this, I remembered reading one of your posts ages ago that made me laugh out loud at the time and still does so now. It was along the lines of your father and your little daughter gazing thoughtfully at a pile of material that had been delivered to a site (in error?)' and musing what to do with it...your daughter said she didn't know but it would "be a bas!tard to shift".

Edited to say: I found your account of your experiences, and your advice very moving and also very useful. You sound like a great person - I'm guessing you're a man from your name.

Thank you and yes I'm a man. I chose Mr Toad because it's what my friends started calling me after I bought an apartment in an old manor house.

That was one of many occasions my daughter got Dad in hot water with Mum. Dad always said she was the best site foreman he ever had.

Dementia is truly terrible for any family and the sad thing is that it can still cause pain years after the person has gone.

I was with my daughter and son in law at the weekend and despite the fact that Dad died four years ago she still talks about him.

They came to see me to tell me that she's expecting her first baby, great news, and then went on to say it was terrible that her grandma was to far gone to understand it and enjoy her great grandchild.

Although after leaving me she did go to the care home to see her and tell her.

My one consolation is that Mum is very happy, there's one poor man in the care home who is anxious all the time. He's constantly telling people he has to be somewhere but he has no idea where and asking them if they know where he should be. I can't imagine how it must be to live in a state of constant fear or agitation and I'm so thankful that Mum isn't like that.

When you ask her how she is she it varies, sometimes she thinks she works at the home and sometimes she thinks it's a hotel and that she's on holiday.

emsywoo123

Mr_Toad wrote: »

Thank you and yes I'm a man. I chose Mr Toad because it's what my friends started calling me after I bought an apartment in an old manor house.

That was one of many occasions my daughter got Dad in hot water with Mum. Dad always said she was the best site foreman he ever had.

.

I remember reading that as well and laughing, (it was quite a while ago I think?) because this is *exactly* how my daughter and dad were, and like you their relationship is completely different to the one I have with my dad, in very similar ways too!

And I read your post earlier in this thread and cried a little too; just yesterday I watched them and the little seed of doubt that my dad might be going this way (DD is now nearly 13) made me see what the future might hold. It scared me but made me feel less alone Mr Toad, so thank you xxx

seven-day-weekend

My sister had early-onset Alzheimers, and although I lived in Spain at the time she was at her worst, the bits I did see were very distressing.

My thoughts and prayers are with the OP and his dad x

tea_lover

Apologies for straying off topic but just wanted to say congratulations to Mr Toad on his daughter's pregnancy

Mr_Toad

tea_lover wrote: »

Apologies for straying off topic but just wanted to say congratulations to Mr Toad on his daughter's pregnancy

Thank you so much. :beer: