Should I keep going to see my dad?

Torry_Quine

There is no right or wrong answer, but whatever you decide it will be hard. I do agree though that making him try to remember is just going to make a difficult situation worse. You need to take care of yourself.

fozziebeartoo

Thank you for taking the time to post that.

Very moving but very helpful and informative too!

Mr_Toad wrote: »

Both my parents had/have dementia. My father passed away after two years in a home and my mother is currently in a home.

I helped Mum when she was Dad's carer, before he went into the home, then moved in with Mum to help her when she started to get to the point where she needed someone about.

I was fortunate that I worked from home which made it possible.

I did a carers course with the Alzheimers Society, one day a week for five weeks and it was very helpful.

One of the main things it teaches you is that once a memory is gone then it's gone, as if it never existed. It is absolutely no good playing the 'You remember' game and constantly reminding the sufferer on the basis that eventually they will remember. It does not work!

It would be the same as me constantly saying to you 'You remember when we were astronauts and spent a week on the moon.' You'll never remember it because it isn't true, they don't remember it because the memory is gone, erased, not forgotten.

People with dementia cope with this not being able to remember and the pressure to do so by playing along and pretending they do remember as this stops the relative from doing it. Press them too hard and it soon becomes apparent that they don't remember at all.

We were advised to lie to them. If they ask where their deceased husband or wife is and when they are coming to visit them don't remind them that they can't because they are dead as this will be like them hearing it for the first time and cause them the pain of loss and bereavement. Lie and tell them later today or tomorrow as they won't even remember asking the question let alone your answer.

When Dad died I took Mum to the funeral, when we got back to the home the staff were concerned about her. When they asked her how she was she said she'd had a love time at the baby's christening! Her great granddaughter sat on her knee though the service.

As a result of this advice my Dad and now my Mum were/are very happy.

I have seen so many distressed people in the care home made that way because relatives think they are helping by constantly going down the 'You remember...' route.

Some people who were on the course with me refused to accept that the memories were gone, it can be hard to accept but it certainly helped me and, as a result, my parents.

When Mum reached the stage where she no longer remembered who I am I stopped visiting as it upset her when I did go. She couldn't understand who I was or why I was there and would get agitated.

I still go to the home to drop off personal items and money for hair and lunches out, staff take some of them to the pub for lunch once every couple of weeks, and she is very happy. She doesn't miss me because as far as she is concerned I never existed.

Yes this is very painful for me but I said my goodbyes a long time ago and I'm not ashamed to admit that it still makes me cry occasionally.

I know some people find this impossible to do but in reality the visits are for them and not the person with dementia. It's about doing what they perceive as the right thing.

Dementia is a terrible illness that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I hope this helps and I wish you luck with whatever course of action you decide to take and please don't let the judgement of others influence your decision.

pelirocco

My MIL sadly died from Dementia 6 years ago , she probably had dementia for 10 years and it manifested it self in periodic big declines ( she had vascular dementia). Some of the stages were quite hard for everyone , she went through some very angry and periods where she must have been very scared. We just took our cue from her when it came to conversation as time went by she retreated more and more into her youth , and had many amusing conversations ! we all felt that as long as she able to converse it really didnt matter a jot what we talked about . Towards the end talking stopped , and she slowly lost control of even basic body functions and spent her last 6 weeks in hospital while we tried to find a happy home for her , but sadly she died before she can move in

Incidently it was only in her last weeks that any medical professional mentioned end stage dementia , we didnt have a clue that the illness would cause her death.
In my opinion its very important that you should keep visiting , you cant be sure that they dont register you are there , My MIL while in hospital had what was probably a stroke , very strangely for the week after that leading up to her death, she appeared very aware we were there , she tried to sit up when my daughter brought her baby in On her last day I read her the local paper , and then I talked to her about her mum , dad brothers and sisters and any other family I could think of ....the whole time she had one eye opening watching me .I KNOW she understood everything
I would hate someone to end their days alone

swingaloo

My dad was the same, he would tell me all kinds of stories when I visited each day. One day I walked in and he was crying because he said he was getting married that day and was full of a cold so couldnt go. He said his 2 brides would be waiting and getting cross.

I told him that I was popping out of the room and I would ring them and explain. 5 minutes later he was happy again. He would tell me that he had been out that morning and even told me he had been for a ride on his motorbike (I never knew him to ride one). I would just agree and ask if he had had a nice time.

Disagreeing or trying to correct only got him agitated so I soon learnt that it was best to go along with whatever the day bought. It made the visit more pleasant for each of us.

Please dont stop going as one day he will be gone and you may regret the lost times even if they are not what you have been used to in the past.

Gibb0

Thanks for all your great comments. I'll keep visiting him and I do ask the carers about him and how he's been doing.

I'll take your advice and try to be more casual instead of talking about the past.

Thanks again guys and girls, really appreciate your advice.

Mojisola

pelirocco wrote: »

We just took our cue from her when it came to conversation as time went by she retreated more and more into her youth , and had many amusing conversations ! we all felt that as long as she able to converse it really didnt matter a jot what we talked about .

With my parents, I used to visit an elderly cousin of my grandmother who had dementia. She didn't recognise any of us but my Dad reminded her of one of her uncles so he had a lot of chats with her about people who had been dead for many,many years and who he had never met. It's surprising how long you can chat by making non-committal and general comments.

She was always much happier after the visits from her 'uncle'.

seven-day-weekend

Gibb0 wrote: »

My dad has alzheimer's and I go to see him once every 2 weeks as the care home he is in is far away. Every single time I go and visit him he doesn't remember who I am and that I came down to see him 2 weeks prior. It's so painful that he doesn't remember me but I also understand of course...

The problem is he gets very emotional and upset and realises he is losing his mind when he finally does remember me after about 15 minutes of telling him about our past. Then he apologies for forgetting who I am etc and it's just terrible for him.

Sometimes I think it would just be better to not go and visit him any more and let him forget about me completely so he doesn't have to keep reliving the realisation that he has alzheimer's and is literally losing his memories.

I went to see him yesterday and I saw him just sitting in the communal lounge watching tv and he seemed like he was in his own little world, I thought perhaps it's best to just leave him in his own little world.

His wife (my mother) died 5 years back and every time he asks where she is and when she is coming to visit, I have to tell him that she died and he asks how she died etc and gets all upset. It's so heartbreaking to see him like that.

What on Earth do I do... I love him to pieces obviously but at this point I think visiting him is doing him more harm than good. I'm just not sure.

How heartbreaking for you

I think you should keep visiting him. Tearfulness is one of the characteristics of Alzheimers, I know it's upsetting for you but I'm sure he loves you coming , in spite of the tears. He'll have forgotten the tears anyway as soon as they are over.


Also i have read that it's not a good idea to tell an Alzheimes sufferer that a loved one has died, because they have to go through the grief every single time. Maybe make a non-comittal remark, or channge the subject, he won't remember anyway.

I definitely think you should continue to see him and talk about things to him, even if he can't remember. I know it's upsetting, but I think in the end you will be glad you did.

Robisere

When we moved into the Sheltered Housing complex of bungalows where we have lived for almost 14 years, my OH and I were the two youngest here. The first of many friends I made was Bill, who taught me so much about keeping roses. There was John two doors down from him and both men were nine and ten years older than myself. Within a couple of years, Bill began to suffer what became Alzheimers. John was still himself, a very fit and physically healthy guy, he and I swapped year by year as Chair and Vice Chair of our residents association. Despite the big gap in ages, we became close mates. In the bad winter of 2010, John and I were the ones out there with snow shovels, clearing the paths of our Close. Then in 2013, I began to notice changes in John, he became angry at people for no apparent reason and upset with me because I asked him to wait while I finished a conversation with another neighbour. During this time, his wife of many decades had become very ill and we thought that was the cause, but he was eventually diagnosed with dementia and taken into the same care home as Bill, who had known John far longer than me but by now knew no one, including John.

John's wife died in hospital and the whole Close turned out for her funeral, as we do. John was there and I tried to approach him, expressed my sorrow and grief at the loss of his wife, a smashing lady that we had all loved. He didn't know me and that broke me up. I walked away emotionally affected, got about 15 feet when he called my name. I walked back and he saw that I was upset, but now he suddenly recognised me. He took my hand and said "It's allright mate, she'll know you loved her cheese scones." (she made the best cheese scones ever!) The fact that he suddenly had that flash of memory really lifted me.

But there was no happy ending, John grew increasingly demented and I was asked to stop going to see him by his daughters. The worst affected by this were his grandchildren I think. They all recall how he was: a larger than life granddad who took them to football and fishing. I just hope and pray that this does not happen to me, I love my grandkids and cannot bear the tought of someday being unable to recognise them.

theoretica

People with dementia are surrounded by people they don't recognise, so experience the effect of an unknown visitor repeatedly. If you can control your emotions, then you are probably not doing harm to his.

I have read that even when a person does not conciously recognise a family member they can benefit from subconcious familiarity.

http://alzheimersshow.co.uk/editorial/2016/01/06/good-reasons-to-keep-visiting-a-person-with-dementia/

Brickwall

My mum had Alzheimer's, I'd never experienced anyone with it so didn't know what to expect. The day we were told is the day we lost the mum we knew.
When I used to visit her I used to let her lead the conversation and then just go along with things, I found taking magazines helpful, I'd read articles out to mum and her friends and they'd talk about whatever I'd read out, as her alzhiemers progressed I found that if she was in the lounge with her friends the visit would be so much easier, the conversation seemed to flow easier.
I realised early on that it was too upsetting for her if I mentioned that dad had died earlier, I used to just say he was busy today but was coming tomorrow.
My biggest fear was that she would forget me, the last few months before she died she stopped talking, but, when I stepped out of the lift and she seen me her face lit up, even the carers used comment on it.
I used to go home and cry, it broke my heart, this was my mum, my super hero, could cure all my snotty noses and scabby knees, but I'm so glad I did go, so glad that I knew and saw that she was happy and well cared for in her world.
It's not an easy choice, there is no easy answer, my thoughts are with you.