FIL was inappropriate

pigpen

MaryMurphy wrote: »

When I said I won't be able to help out "for a while", I should've specified I meant helping with general cleaning around the house. I won't be helping with anything more personal than that, ever.

I appreciate some people have said they wouldn't have offered to help in the way that I did. I was brought up in a family living with aging grandparents so to me it was normal to see my parents help them as time went on and their health took a hit. My DH's family has always been very welcoming and I did truly feel like one of their own, so I didn't think my helping FIL shower would cause any issues.

It turns out BIL told FIL about me telling them. I did tell him not to... BIL wasn't confrontational but I don't exactly know what he said.

Apparently FIL was almost in tears and said the words were out before he knew it. But then my husband went round to visit him today and his whole demeanour was that of a child that had just been told off (DH's words). So it's hard for me to tell what's going on in his mind, what (if anything) was down to him or the stroke.

BIL and my husband believe it's down to his stroke and nothing else, but I unfortunately have some doubts. I have absolutely no reason to believe this (apart from some stories from when he was young) so I feel like a right b***h for thinking it.

Either way, I won't be visiting him for a long while.

I'd still visit.. so long as someone else was there.. hubby could help his dad wash while you clean for example.. but I wouldn't avoid him.. and I think BIL was right to tell him you had discussed it.. it isn't acceptable and if he knows it is out in the open and you will discuss this kind of thing if it wasn't related to the stroke and he knew exactly what he was saying it may deter him from doing it again.. it may be he is genuinely mortified and ashamed.

FIL didn't deny saying it so that is one thing.. you could have looked very bad had he denied everything.. that would have made the situation worse.

As a family we help each other with stuff like this too but he isn't your blood family, you are not the same as his own children.. I absolutely wouldn't dream of offering to bathe my OH's dad.. and I am absolutely certain I am the last person he would want to.. he would prefer his ex-wife to do it I'm certain!!

It is at least out in the open and you can all move forward with a bit of routine change..

Person_one

thorsoak wrote: »

We don't need to know.

Then why keep bringing it up obliquely?

chesky

I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing. After all, as a woman, the last person I would like helping me in the shower is my son in law. No difference really.

barbiedoll

For what it's worth, I don't think it matters one jot whether or not FIL is a blood relative, whether or not his behaviour is due to his stroke, or whether he was/is a bit of a pervert.

What matters is that OP feels uncomfortable and upset. She doesn't have to explain anything, she doesn't have to do anything further for FIL, or even see him again if she doesn't want to.

I can understand how she feels, I was once groped by someone who I thought was a family friend. I was friends with his wife, I went to his daughter's wedding, we saw each other all the time and it just came from nowhere. I can still remember feeling ashamed and very grubby immediately afterwards and later on, wondering if it was somehow my fault.

OP, don't worry too much about what everyone else thinks, stay away from him until you feel able to face him again (if ever) and don't feel bad for thinking that he may well have been in control of his actions, of course a stroke can affect people in different ways, but you clearly have your doubts.

I hope you will soon feel a bit better about this, I know it's a horrible and shocking experience.

marisco_2

Personally I think you would be wise to discuss this with your husband. Honesty is always the best policy. How he chooses to react to it and the effect it has on his relationship with his dad is up to him. He has a right to know.

Alter_ego

marisco wrote: »

Personally I think you would be wise to discuss this with your husband. Honesty is always the best policy. How he chooses to react to it and the effect it has on his relationship with his dad is up to him. He has a right to know.

She's already done that.