FIL was inappropriate

MaryMurphy

I need advice, I need someone to let me know if I'm overreacting.
My FIL had a minor stroke 3 months ago, he's been out of hospital a while now so my husband, his brother and I have been chipping in to help out (he can't walk unaided so the general upkeep of the house falls on us).

He's been showering at our house the shower is on the ground floor and he can still on a plastic chair (his own shower is upstairs-which he can't manage on his own, and no room for him to sit).

The last couple of times I've helped him shower as I'm on maternity leave and have the time. Today, after hours shower, he asked me if I would show him my breasts.

I could give more background info, but at the end of the day surely that's wholly inappropriate regardless of the circumstances?

He's widowed and in his late 70s.

I immediately told him to get dressed (I was helping him get dried) and told him that was not OK.
After he apologised profusely and asked me not to say anything to my husband.

I don't want to help him shower anymore but I'll have to give a reason. What do I do? Frankly I don't really want to see him for a really long time, and I want to tell my husband but I don't want to sour their relationship.

Am I overreacting? We get on well together but we have a normal DIL-FIL relationship, nothing weird. Up until now.

MaryMurphy

Sorry for the typos, using my phone. I feel like such a noob!

Andypandyboy

Yes, it was wholly inappropriate, but strokes can affect people in strange ways.

I would not sour your husbands relationship with his father if at all possible, so I would say nothing (unless it happens again). All you need say is that you don't feel comfortable with helping him shower as you feel it isn't appropriate.

cte1111

Yes that is obviously inappropriate. It sounds like your FIL also realises that too. From looking after a relative following a stroke, I know that they can cause all sorts of strange symptoms, as they are brain injuries. A stroke affected my Dad's judgement, leaving him open to being scammed, whilst in other ways leaving him seeming pretty much OK.

I can totally understand why you would now feel uncomfortable showering your FIL. I don't think you have any alternative but to talk to your husband about what happened. If possible, try to think of it not as your FIL behaving outrageously but as a symptom of the after effects of his stroke that you weren't both previously aware of.

Of course it is possible that it wasn't anything to do with the stroke and he's just a bit of a lech who thought you might go along with this kind of suggestion but I think if that were the case, you would have picked up on it previously.

Nargleblast

What he said could be as a result of a slight brain injury from the stroke. Then again, perhaps not. I suppose it depends on whether that sort of comment is a normal part of his personality or not. Either way, it was an inappropriate thing to say and you understandably feel uncomfortable giving personal care to him.

I suggest you say to your OH that it does not feel right for you to do this intimate task, and you would prefer it if a male helped your FIL in the shower. No need to give any further information.

cte1111

NB as your FIL needs help with personal care, I would have thought he would qualify for some assistance, e.g. Attendance Allowance. This could then be used for paid helpers for showering and getting dressed.

Mojisola

Andypandyboy wrote: »

Yes, it was wholly inappropriate, but strokes can affect people in strange ways.

Unfortunately, this is true. Someone I know who would never even say "Damn" before his stroke, swore constantly and very colourfully afterwards, much to the embarrassment of his wife.

If you can separate the effects of the stroke from your FIL as a person, it can help not to take it personally.

https://www.stroke.org.uk/what-stroke/common-problems-after-stroke/changes-behaviour

fairy_lights

I would tell your OH. If your father in law has been affected by the stroke to the point that it's affecting his personality then that's something you all need to be aware of, and likewise if FIL is just a bit of an old letch that's also something your other family members should know about.

TBagpuss

As others have said, it is inappropriate, but it is also very possible that it is a result of the stroke. https://www.stroke.org.uk/what-stroke/common-problems-after-stroke/changes-behaviour

I would suggest that you speak to your husband about it but on that assumption - e.g. "I know that this is likely to be a sympton of the stroke, so I am not angry with FIL and don't blame him, but because of this, I don't feel comfortable helping him shower, can we organise things so that you do that for him for now?"

That way, you are able to tell your hsubandas you want, and to give a reason he will understand, but you are much less likely to sour the relationship. And it may also help your FIL - it sounds as though he was embarassed and it may be that he would be less likely to make such comments to a male carer.

That said, the fact that your FIL may not have been wholly responsible for what he said doesn't make your reaction any less real or reasonable, and if you don't feel comfortabl being around him, or if you don't feel comfortable being alone with him, that is reasonable.

you and your husband may find it helpful ot get in contac twith the Stroke Association to get aditional informatin and to helpyou find local support. Your FIL might be entitled to help from a visiting carer - if so, make sure that you let the carer know in advance about this incident so they are aware that it may be an issue.

Mojisola

fairy_lights wrote: »

I would tell your OH. If your father in law has been affected by the stroke to the point that it's affecting his personality then that's something you all need to be aware of, and likewise if FIL is just a bit of an old letch that's also something your other family members should know about.

I would share what's happened as well. The whole family are involved in caring for him - they need to know what's happening.

It wouldn't be unusual for your FIL to make inappropriate comments to other women - any carers need to know in advance before it happens while he is in their care.

Has your FIL had an assessment at home for benefits and carers?

warehouse

My Father is in a stroke unit right now, unfortunately not likely to ever leave. There's a man in the next bed who talks constantly, mostly utter drivel, but it's continuous. His wife told us that before the stroke he was a shy man and quiet as a mouse.

Strokes damage brains in different ways, give him some leeway OP.