FIL was inappropriate

Grenage

He's had a stroke, and he's getting on a bit. Every now and then our brains drop the ball, and that was probably just one of those times. As an isolated incident, I'd really be writing it off and mentioning it to nobody.

lady1964

I think you should find a way to get your DH & BIL in a way that's sensitive to your FIL and the effects of his stroke.

I'm sure the FIL is mortified as what he said, however I don't believe in keeping secrets from partners, particularly when it could come out in a way that might portray the OP in a bad light. By that I mean your DH might ask why you didn't tell him.

Read up on the effects of a stroke so that you can be sensitive towards your FIL and your DH & BIL should completely understand why you are unable to undertake his personal care anymore.

Good luck and let us know how you get on,

Mojisola

There will probably be a local branch of https://www.stroke.org.uk/ - worth contacting.

Don't feel you have to learn everything from scratch as it happens to you - get the benefit of other people's experience.

splishsplash

I'm sorry you were so upset by your FIL's comment, OP. It was an entirely inappropriate thing to say.

As others have said, strokes can have unexpected symptoms, including loss of inhibition. It means some people can say the most outrageous things without thinking, often in a way that is completely different to the way they behaved prior to the stroke.

Try not to take it personally. Put it down to the stroke. Let your husband and BIL know so they a) understand why you don't want to help with showering etc., and b) can give anyone else involved with FIL's care a heads up.

Try not to hold it against your FIL. Easier said than done, but as you've said, he's mortified by what happened. It may happen again, it's not something he can control. Must be awful to be in that position - never knowing when your mouth is going to hang you.

Take a few days, ease back into helping with the housework, and firmly remind him not to say things like that if it does happen again.

MPD

Just a thought. If you are breast feeding at the moment it might be worth thinking about where and when you do it. Your FILs reasoning sounds like it isn't working properly right now.

Person_one

MaryMurphy wrote: »

I'll have to tell my BIL because his girlfriend goes round on her own sometimes so she'll need to be aware as well.

I think it would probably be better for your husband to be the one who talks to his brother.

You've had a lot of good advice from others so I won't add to it except to agree that stroke and brain injury can cause personality changes and lower inhibitions, how much and how it manifests can vary depending on where in the brain the damage was. It happens with dementia too, people say things that they would be mortified by if they were their 'old selves' and it can be very random and unpredictable too.

You're obviously shaken up by it, but unless there's to more to the 'history' that you've hinted at I think you're right to just view it as part of his illness and step back from providing personal care now. You'll feel better soon when the shock and the 'icky' feeling wears off a bit.

Person_one

sootikins wrote: »

I think she said she's pregnant, so she wouldn't be breastfeeding at the moment, unless she has another young baby to feed.

She said she's going back to work next month, and that the baby just woke up.

Ames

I assume the OP means background info relating to the FIL's past.

OP, I agree with others. Tell your partner. Accepting it's because of FILs stroke doesn't mean you have to put up with it, and it's better out in the open.

Mojisola

Some people with dementia lose inhibitions as well and can say and do inappropriate things in public as well as at home. Think of some of the things little children might say in public and then imagine them being said by an 80+ year old.

Everyone involved in the person's care should be aware that this might happen.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

MaryMurphy wrote: »

The reason I feel I'm overreacting is because I feel so ill, my stomach is knots and I just can't shake this feeling.

I feel really betrayed, I've been helping out quite a bit recently because my son has just recently started nursery (just a couple of hours a day, every few days. To get him used to it when I return to work next month) and I've been using a lot of this newly found free time to clean up around his house and help where I can. I could've spent the time doing things for myself but it gave him a bit of company, and I enjoyed helping out. But now I won't be going round to his house, not on my own anyway.

I feel so awful about something relatively trivial, and I am also annoyed at myself for letting it get to me so much.

I think I just need a few days to get it behind me. I'll speak to my husband when he's home this evening. If we get anyone in to help out, we will notify them as well.

I'll have to tell my BIL because his girlfriend goes round on her own sometimes so she'll need to be aware as well.

I think I'm offloading here more than anything, I don't have anyone that I can talk to right now (my best friend and husband are at work).

The thing is, I realise worse things happen to a lot of people every day unfortunately, I feel ridiculous for feeling so unwell from such a relatively small incident.

I'm going to go for a bit now, baby just woke up.

Just because he may not be in full control of his impulses (I am assuming it isn't just him trying his luck - not all stroke patients are affected, so I wouldn't blithely assume it's not his fault), it doesn't mean your feelings are any less valid.

It doesn't matter why he said it, you've quite rightly been upset by it and you are perfectly reasonable to say what has happened and that you are distressed by it.

The tactful way to bring it up is to take the stance that you're expecting that it is due to the stroke, but nonetheless, you couldn't not say anything and won't be able to act as a carer for him anymore and that no other female should be in such a position because it;s not fair on them or the FIL if he isn't fully in control of what he says.

I'd also ask whether he's been assessed for his mental functioning, as its possible that some previously unnoticed damage has led to it and he should be checked out in case there are other things that are affected.


That way, you get to express your distress and the behaviour is addressed without necessarily being either written off as a poor old man helpless to control himself forever - or a creepy old git thinking he has carte blanche to be revolting because it'll be excused by him not knowing what he is doing.

TL;DR You are not being unreasonable and telling people is the right thing to do for everybody. Including him.