FIL was inappropriate

tea_lover

I'm assuming you've known your FIL for a long time and have a good idea of his general character, and whether this is completely out of character for him. Strokes can affect people in all sorts of way. However, people (ill or not) can also just be prize idiots. You have a better idea than any of us whether this is 'normal' behaviour for him or not.

If it is, I'd tell your husband about it. If not, give your FIL the benefit of the doubt (once!), and just tell your husband you don't think you can help with the showering anymore.

rach_k

If he has never been inappropriate before, I would put it down to the stroke. That he apologised profusely rather than just asking you not to say anything or telling you heard wrong or were being over-sensitive makes it more likely, to my way of thinking, that is it stroke-related and that he was embarrassed by/ashamed of it rather than just trying to get out of trouble. For now, I would just say to OH that you think FIL and you would both be more comfortable if OH or BIL helped him in the shower and getting dressed.

If FIL says anything else, I would tell OH that you think his stroke has made him start speaking out of character and explain, but I wouldn't say anything unless it happens again.

MaryMurphy

Thank you for your fast replies. My BIL looks after the benefits side of things but I'll ask him to check if he might be entitled to a carer to help with his showering etc.

Some very sensible suggestions. I believe FIL was a bit of a perv back in the day, but once he got married that was all behind him. It's possible that now the stroke has made him less inhibited, or maybe it's just the fact that he'll getting older. Either way, I've never had a reason to feel uncomfortable around him before today.

I haven't 100% decided yet, but I think I'll tell my husband and go down the "it may be due to his stroke" route.

I just can't see how he could think saying that would be OK, he has a bit of a past but I've known him 10 years and everything has always been fine.

Thank you everyone. I feel a bit clearer on what I should do.

gabriel1980

Maybe he just really wanted to see your breasts?

Becles

My Dad had a stroke. He used to be quite prudish but he has said some really out of character things since his stroke.

The other day I was over and he asked my Mam what came in the post. She said "oh nothing really, just a Bravissimo catalogue for me. I'll stick it in the recycling bin next time I go out." He said "oh don't, I like to look at the pictures in that" then he sniggered. That's just not like him at all!

McKneff

I can understand if you said he was a bit of a lad, but you actually said in a post 'He was a bit of a perv'

Being a bit of a lad is certainly not being perverted.....

pigpen

tbh.. I would find it inappropriate to be helping my FIL shower/bathe so I wouldn't be in that position in the first place.. and you certainly shouldn't be helping him whilst on maternity leave, obviously you are heavily pregnant.. what if he fell and pulled you over and injured the baby? or worse?? There's your excuse for not helping for the short term.

I definitely think you should tell your husband.. make it clear you believe it may be linked to the stroke and say you are not really comfortable with helping him any more and suggest other help that may be available. I doubt your hubby would be very impressed if you told him on the 20th time FIL was inappropriate or after he touched you inappropriately or the whole thing just escalated.. keeping it out in the open means you are not hiding anything or lying or condoning FIL's behaviour whatever the reason for it. BIL should know too, so he can explain to other services why this further help is now needed when it wasn't before.

Mojisola

pigpen wrote: »

BIL should know too, so he can explain to other services why this further help is now needed when it wasn't before.

It's also important if outside carers start coming. The agency will need this information so that they can send male carers or experienced female carers who can handle this situation.

MaryMurphy

The reason I feel I'm overreacting is because I feel so ill, my stomach is knots and I just can't shake this feeling.

I feel really betrayed, I've been helping out quite a bit recently because my son has just recently started nursery (just a couple of hours a day, every few days. To get him used to it when I return to work next month) and I've been using a lot of this newly found free time to clean up around his house and help where I can. I could've spent the time doing things for myself but it gave him a bit of company, and I enjoyed helping out. But now I won't be going round to his house, not on my own anyway.

I feel so awful about something relatively trivial, and I am also annoyed at myself for letting it get to me so much.

I think I just need a few days to get it behind me. I'll speak to my husband when he's home this evening. If we get anyone in to help out, we will notify them as well.

I'll have to tell my BIL because his girlfriend goes round on her own sometimes so she'll need to be aware as well.

I think I'm offloading here more than anything, I don't have anyone that I can talk to right now (my best friend and husband are at work).

The thing is, I realise worse things happen to a lot of people every day unfortunately, I feel ridiculous for feeling so unwell from such a relatively small incident.

I'm going to go for a bit now, baby just woke up.

Mojisola

MaryMurphy wrote: »

The reason I feel I'm overreacting is because I feel so ill, my stomach is knots and I just can't shake this feeling.

The thing is, I realise worse things happen to a lot of people every day unfortunately, I feel ridiculous for feeling so unwell from such a relatively small incident.

It's because he is your FIL - it was a shock and the personal relationship has exaggerated your emotional reaction.

Just keep in mind that it wasn't a 'reasoned' comment from him; it's the way his brain is rewired because of the stroke.