FIL was inappropriate

MaryMurphy

I told my husband and Friday night and we went round to BIL's yesterday (Saturday) to tell him as well.

We are all in agreement this was more than likely stroke-related and both of them understand I won't be able to help their dad, for a while anyway.

It just so happens this week that he has an appointment with a stroke specialist, my husband is bringing him so he's going to try and get a moment alone and find out what we need to do next, if anything.

I can't reply individually but thank you to all who took the time to offer helpful advice. It's made this a bit easier for me and in turn I was able to suggest a few things to DH and BIL that might be helpful to their father.

wishicouldmakeitbetter

Above post reported

moneyistooshorttomention

Just as well you've told your husband about this.

I think you were being very charitable putting it down to the after-effects of the stroke personally.

Never mind not doing anything "personal" for him for a while. I wouldnt remotely contemplate doing anything "personal" for him ever again. Though it has to be said that I would have refused to do anything "personal" for him in the first place - even if he hadnt "been a bit of a perv" in the past (according to your description of him) and would think twice about doing something "personal" even for someone of my own sex. Just because you dont think of him as "a man" doesnt mean he doesnt think of himself as "a man" iyswim.

Even if someone doesnt act on their feelings - I would hate the thought they might have inappropriate feelings in the first place.

I must admit I'm wondering whether people are giving him more "benefit of the doubt" than is warranted. You say he "apologised profusely" and just why would anyone apologise unless they knew they were wrong in the first place?

In your position - I would "steer rather clear" of him in the future and just be polite end of...

Dill

Not sure how much movement he has after his stroke, but I would definitely leave any intimate washing (for want of a better phrase!) to male family members or a paid carer.

MaryMurphy

When I said I won't be able to help out "for a while", I should've specified I meant helping with general cleaning around the house. I won't be helping with anything more personal than that, ever.

I appreciate some people have said they wouldn't have offered to help in the way that I did. I was brought up in a family living with aging grandparents so to me it was normal to see my parents help them as time went on and their health took a hit. My DH's family has always been very welcoming and I did truly feel like one of their own, so I didn't think my helping FIL shower would cause any issues.

It turns out BIL told FIL about me telling them. I did tell him not to... BIL wasn't confrontational but I don't exactly know what he said.

Apparently FIL was almost in tears and said the words were out before he knew it. But then my husband went round to visit him today and his whole demeanour was that of a child that had just been told off (DH's words). So it's hard for me to tell what's going on in his mind, what (if anything) was down to him or the stroke.

BIL and my husband believe it's down to his stroke and nothing else, but I unfortunately have some doubts. I have absolutely no reason to believe this (apart from some stories from when he was young) so I feel like a right b***h for thinking it.

Either way, I won't be visiting him for a long while.

melanzana

Sorry OP, there is absolutely no way that I would intimately wash etc a male relative. Female no problem. And I accept that there is illness involved here too. But still.

Far too intimate for me anyway. Sorry again.

It can cause ructions and make you feel very uncomfortable.

Would you have washed him intimately before he was ill?

I guess not. So do not do it anymore.

I wouldn't. There are other ways around it.

Sends shivers. Sorry about that. Too close for comfort if you understand my point of view.

Person_one

OP, you keep hinting about your FIL's past. Either its relevant and our opinions and advice are useless if we don't know about it, or its not relevant and that's why you aren't going into more detail about it.

Which is it? Why the hints?

melanzana

Person_one wrote: »

OP, you keep hinting about your FIL's past. Either its relevant and our opinions and advice are useless if we don't know about it, or its not relevant and that's why you aren't going into more detail about it.

Which is it? Why the hints?

Don't think that matters in the immediate situation really.

Would you wash a male/female relative intimately having never done it before now?

I would not feel comfortable anyway, and just would not do it, having never done it before.

Would you?

Person_one

melanzana wrote: »

Don't think that matters in the immediate situation really.

I do think the hints about the FIL's past matter. The OP has referenced them in nearly every post she's written without actually explaining what her concerns are and how it relates to her current problem.

If its something that's relevant, she'll get better advice if people have more accurate information. If its not relevant, why bring it up repeatedly?

thorsoak

Person_one wrote: »

OP, you keep hinting about your FIL's past. Either its relevant and our opinions and advice are useless if we don't know about it, or its not relevant and that's why you aren't going into more detail about it.

Which is it? Why the hints?

We don't need to know.