Expect daughter to live overseas for a year?

SuzieSue

I don't think your husband has thought this through properly.

All he needs to say in his letter is that he would like her to go to NZ for a year if she wants to and when it will cause the least disruption to her life in the UK.

If he won't agree to saying this then he is being unreasonable.

pigpen

As if something like that would even be enforced possibly years down the line.. that is ridiculous.. Once the parents are dead and guardianship is passed on you have no say in her future or what happens.. you couldnt even demand she visits annually.

I have 2 cousins living in Germany with the estranged mother of their mum who the will expressly forbade from having the children... it becomes the courts decision if someone wishes to push it so let him write his letter, it wont make any difference whatsoever.

Mojisola

pigpen wrote: »

As if something like that would even be enforced possibly years down the line.. that is ridiculous.. Once the parents are dead and guardianship is passed on you have no say in her future or what happens.. you couldnt even demand she visits annually.

I don't think anyone has suggested such a request could be enforced - it's the emotional blackmail element of it that doesn't sit right.

If living parents suggested a year in NZ to their daughter, she could say yes or no; if her dead parents left such a request, she could feel pressured into going even though she didn't really want to.

pointless2

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't think anyone has suggested such a request could be enforced - it's the emotional blackmail element of it that doesn't sit right.

If living parents suggested a year in NZ to their daughter, she could say yes or no; if her dead parents left such a request, she could feel pressured into going even though she didn't really want to.

This is exactly how I feel.

Thank you all for your helpful responses.
For clarity, husband definitely meant for her to go whilst still school-aged - I think he meant around 15 initially, then revised this to 13 ish when I brought up GCSE disruption. 18+, e.g. a gap year or studying there, would not be contentious, although I still wouldn't want her to feel pressure to do it if she didn't want to.

He definitely would not want her to go without us, assuming we do indeed live out normal lives. And he doesn't really want us all to go there for any period other than holidays at the moment. (I did actually live in NZ for 6 months about a decade ago for a particular job before I met him; it's not like I'd say no if he wanted to do it again, although our jobs make it tricky).

His family won't be complete strangers. We haven't taken the baby there yet but his mum has been over here to meet her grand-daughter and has another trip booked, and I expect we'll go to do family sweeps (they live all over NZ...) maybe alternate years? I don't think I can face the flight while breastfeeding at the moment though.

But I still think his idea is unfair on pretty much everyone. So we will re-discuss it and hopefully find a better way to reflect his very reasonable desire for our daughter to be close to that side of her family.

And to those who think I'm getting upset about nothing: you may well be right. I do appreciate that it can be hard to keep a sense of perspective at these awesome-but-a-little-overwhelming times when I have a new tiny person to be responsible for. Ah well.

x

unforeseen

pointless2 wrote: »

And he doesn't really want us all to go there for any period other than holidays at the moment.

But he wants his daughter to go for a year? How strange?

My thoughts are that he cannot put up with his NZ family for any length of time but would be expecting his daughter to.

gettingtheresometime

My sister asked if we'd be guardians to her children should anything happen to her & BIL but said that they were to have contact with relatives that I don't talk to.

Why can't your hubby do something similar? In a way I can understand his worries - you both die, the guardian lives in the uk and contact within the family in NZ dwindles..

If your daughter then chooses to go & see them for an extended period of time then all well & good but I think your hubby has to accept that sometimes distance dies diminish relationships

pigpen

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't think anyone has suggested such a request could be enforced - it's the emotional blackmail element of it that doesn't sit right.

If living parents suggested a year in NZ to their daughter, she could say yes or no; if her dead parents left such a request, she could feel pressured into going even though she didn't really want to.

Like I said.. let him write what he likes.. whatever pleases him, noone will take any notice of it should the situation arise anyway. It would be up to the guardians to express that such a visit was optional. Once parental responsibility is passed to guardians noone else will have any input into the raising of the child so she never even has to know he made such a daft suggestion unless they choose to tell her.

TBH I think setting up a trust fund so she can take a year travelling and visit remote relatives when she is of an age airlines will let her travel without guardians/parents and she could get a proper experience from it would be far more beneficial educationally and in terms of independence.

Does he intend shipping her off for a year if you don't both die? Or is this just a plan for if you do?? I'd be a bit concerned he planned to send her or the thought had even crossed his mind at some point.

TBagpuss

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

By the way some are talking about her education, it seems that they don't have schools in the southern hemisphere, at least some posters are talking in a way that suggests that education hasn't reached there yet.


I note the propsed trip is "in her teens". So could be between A levels and university, as she will still be a teenager, but also an adult and her education would not be disrupted. I know, because I took a year between my A levels and university nearly 30 years ago, one can apply to a university stating for delayed entrance and the university will agree. I worked full time in an office for a year to fund my studies in that time, others chose to "go travelling" because they came from more wealthy families that could support them to do this.

I don't think anyone is suggsting that there are not schools in NZ, simply that changing schools, particualrly for a year, can be quite disruptive, and that the disruption is likely to be greater if you factor in moving to differnt country as well.

A lot of people have suggested a gap year, which typically taks place between a-levels and university.

unforeseen

Not forgetting that it would be a year of a totally different syllabus

hazyjo

tbh, it's one of the strangest threads I've read. Can't believe anyone is talking about the future of a baby.


A trip to NZ is once in a lifetime for a lot of people. I can't think of anything worse than going to see/stay with a bunch of rellies in a different country for a week, let alone a year. Generations move on. I grew up seeing my cousins regularly but we only really see each other at weddings and funerals now. I would hate to have to go to NZ when all I'd really want to do is go away with my friends or partner when I'm older. NZ wouldn't be on my list, especially if it meant family catch-ups rather than a holiday for me.


Look how much technology has changed. I don't even use Facetime (or know what it is lol - presume Skype type thing, although I don't use that either!). In the last 16 years, I've gone from having my first home computer and a basic mobile phone to what we have now. They'll probably all be teleporting themselves or holograming themselves in another 16 years lol. She won't need to travel!


I was the braver one in my family. I've been quite happy to fly alone, to get on a train, to live alone, but my sister is the total opposite. She's been in the same job since 16 (she's 44 now), lived in the same house her & her OH bought 20-odd years ago, she rarely goes out, hates going on holiday... She'd be mortified if she thought she was letting our (now gone) dad down over something he hoped she'd do.


Parents still seem to see their kids as babies. Trust me - when she's 13 or so, your OH will NOT want her travelling to NZ if he's still alive (or feeling obliged to if he's dead). My nieces are 16 and my sis treats them like they're 11. She still even picks them up from school (or my mum does if sis is working). If one of them was flying to NZ even at 16, for a YEAR!!, my sis would have kittens! I say they should do a gap year but they would all be horrified at the thought. My nephew is 21 and he only stays in posh hotels, wears designer clothes and would NEVER EVER wish to travel. It's his worst nightmare. They are all home-birds.


In fact, I remember my sister doing an exchange at school (to Denmark I think) and being traumatised. That was prob only for less than a week.


I suggest the letters wait until she's older - see what she's like at least, and what she likes! You'll change your minds a million times. Keep a letter at home so you can change it regularly - you're unlikely to pop into the solicitor's to update it every week/month.


Plus, there may be other kids to come along yet...


(Sorry if I've missed anything, there was a lot to take in in your post and I've probably forgotten bits you said!)


Jx