Expect daughter to live overseas for a year?

DigForVictory

Deep calming breath - so far, everyone is alive.

New beginnings are often times to contemplate & husband has bubbled up with this idea - which is both entirely reasonable & daft as a brush simultaneously. Spending a year over in his home country - whyever not & why don't you do it NOW *before* she's school age? Family get to see her when she's tiny, portable & cute & you get to come back, duty done. A year will break other grandparents hearts? So make it a shorter trip - a month or more (if you can swing it) - big enough to meet up with Every Surviving Family Member, not so long your folk die of lack of quality granddaughter time.

Then you sort an account for her gap year walkabout fund, and check the relatives know the numbers so they can pay into it, and the whole family can accumulate ideas of fun things for her to do & see & meet over there.

That way, everyone can stay alive, everyone has input into seeing her again when she's grown a bit taller & the letter just needs to say the funds saved are for walkabout but that since NZ family have chipped in, and have a slew of fun things awaiting her, there is the presumption that she will do the right thing & check in on her NZ family. How long she spends is then her call, but you've all got some involvement & some peace of mind.

(Offhand, I know one lass who lost her parents & social services would not let her leave to be adopted by her aunt until she had done her GCSEs, so there may be legislation in place preventing orphaned minors being despatched around the world. Phone your local council & check?)

Reassure your husband. Where this maggot emerged from is uncertain, but quell it with solid planning...

TBagpuss

It sounds far to specific for a letter of wwishes. There are too many variables.

How old your daughter is when she is orphaned, what realtionship she has with her NZ relatives at that time, how well she settled with her guardians, what impact losing her paretns has on her (eg does it make her understandably 'clingy' to her new guardians, or does she become more 'seize the day'. And so on. Being sent to live with people you don't (despite the best will in the world, and regular holidays and phonecalls) know very well could be hugely traumatic.

There is also the gusardian's side of it to consider. They would have had the disruption of adding an extra child to their family, supporting her in her grieving process and no doubt making adjustments of their own, then they are abeing asked to send her to the other side of the world. It's very disruptive their their lives, as well as to hers.

I'd suggest that you keep the letters far less specific. For instance, say something like "We hope that [daughter] will maintain contact with her family in NZ and that she will take advantage of her dual citizenship to visit NZ, perhaps to spend some time living in NZ, whether during a gap year, by chopsing to study in NZ, or by making an extended stay with her family there, should that prove practical2

That way, you are making it clear that it is something you've thought about and approve of, but you are not putting pressure on her.

As she gets older you can regualrly update the letter of wishes so if, by the time she is 10 (say) she has spent a couple of months each year with her NZ cousins you might review your plans.

I suspect that she might well get more out of an extended trip when she is old enough to be slightly more independent. I'd guess that as a dual citizen she would not require a visa to be able to work in NZ, so a working holiday or chosing to take her degree there might appeal.

(Offhand, I know one lass who lost her parents & social services would not let her leave to be adopted by her aunt until she had done her GCSEs, so there may be legislation in place preventing orphaned minors being despatched around the world. Phone your local council & check?)

No, there is no legislation like that. There is legislation wich related to adoption, which includes proritising the welfare of the child concerned. In this case, OP's daughter would not be being adopted and social services would not be invovled in any way. Parents (or guardians) are free to move abroad or take or send children abroad, the courts only get invovled where there is a dispute between parents or where adoption is involved, or where the trip is for the puspose of abuse such as FGM or forced marriage.

pointless2

Thank you all. Some very interesting points. And I do know it's very unlikely to happen.

I still think it's a terrible idea, practically and emotionally.

I think that we will keep things sufficiently vague as to be open to interpretation. Main reasons for writing letter of wishes at all are
a) to let cousin know it's cool to spend the money we leave of anything he thinks is good for our daughter, not just necessities (we do trust his parenting and aren't being prescriptive), and
b) so that husband's family know that we valued them and their relationship with us and our daughter .

If husband does want us to go there for a limited period in the near future I would be up for that, but I don't think he does. We have mortgage, careers, friends here etc.

I think that the poster who suggested that this is my husband feeling the distance from his family now that we have our daughter is very probably right. I really do want to respect his wishes, but not to our daughter's detriment, so I'll try and find a way to discuss it further.

(it hadn't even occurred to us that we could write separate letters of wishes, but we are a bit sleep-deprived at the moment)

Jagraf

her life her decision.

Jagraf

Guest101 wrote: »

I think you should respect your husbands wishes, as he does yours.

Guest I'm surprised. For someone who so adamantly stands by the rights of the child you are putting the child in a remarkably difficult position here.

sooty&sweep

Hi

Isn't this about giving the guardian guidance on things that you would like your child to have the opportunity to do and therefore managing the trust fund so that the money is available to make it happen if they so chose ?
It's not about a list of dictates of things that must happen !
I wouldn't encourage a child to do this during school years but at age 16 + it would give her the opportunity to see a little more of the world & think about what they'd like to do.
She may also like the opportunity to study over there.

Jen

suejb2

Having never heard of a letter of wishes, I jolly well Googled it. They're more guidance, but not legally binding. So whilst it may look good to your O.H that you have this letter and in turn his NZ family may be aware of it your daughter does not have to comply.

Mojisola

suejb2 wrote: »

Having never heard of a letter of wishes, I jolly well Googled it. They're more guidance, but not legally binding. So whilst it may look good to your O.H that you have this letter and in turn his NZ family may be aware of it your daughter does not have to comply.

But, as both parents will be dead and unable to say 'You don't have to if you don't want to', there could be a lot of pressure on the child and her guardian to follow through with their wishes.

Guest101

Jagraf wrote: »

Guest I'm surprised. For someone who so adamantly stands by the rights of the child you are putting the child in a remarkably difficult position here.

Possibly, but nothing wrong with encouraging links to family far away


Much of my family live abroad and I regret my son not having met them in person (yet).


I think the gap year idea is a good one, but ultimately my point was that the OP should give equal respect to her husbands wishes as he has to hers. - that's just compromise.


In reality this is incredibly unlikely to happen, the OP and her husband will lead an average life, well into their 60's and 70's (and beyond) and the child will probably visit new Zealand at some point.

Guest101

suejb2 wrote: »

Having never heard of a letter of wishes, I jolly well Googled it. They're more guidance, but not legally binding. So whilst it may look good to your O.H that you have this letter and in turn his NZ family may be aware of it your daughter does not have to comply.

No offence, but I would've thought it was fairly obvious that such letters aren't legally binding.