Expect daughter to live overseas for a year?

theoretica

Why not word it as 'we would support the fund being used if she wishes to live in NZ for a time and this is practical' or something? Vaguely positive, but lets both practicalities and her wishes in.

To add another complication, in the more likely scenario where you don't die, is your husband planning on having her live in NZ for a year without you both? Or just if she is living with other guardians? After all, if she is brought up from a baby by other people the relationship can be as close as with parents.

balletshoes

My husband is from overseas, and with one thing and another, we didn't take our daughter for an extended visit to meet most of my husband's family in their home country until a couple of years ago, when she was 13. Even with us, her parents, there, she was a bit of a mare (teenage hormones in full swing).
In hindsight, we should have done it a lot earlier, when she was about 6 or 7 maybe, I feel she would have integrated a lot better and been a lot more comfortable around her "stranger" family. Based on our experience (and the other reasons already given regarding her schooling in the UK at age 13), I wouldn't recommend having anything in your letter of wishes about her going to NZ for a year at that age, I'd make it younger or I'd make it gap year/later.

pollypenny

I'm sure she would be able to go to school in New Zealand and would probably enjoy it.

We had a few American pupils do a year in my school when parents were seconded or on exchange to the UK. Two others came to stay with family or close friends.

sheramber

theoretica wrote: »

Why not word it as 'we would support the fund being used if she wishes to live in NZ for a time and this is practical' or something? Vaguely positive, but lets both practicalities and her wishes in.

To add another complication, in the more likely scenario where you don't die, is your husband planning on having her live in NZ for a year without you both? Or just if she is living with other guardians? After all, if she is brought up from a baby by other people the relationship can be as close as with parents.

from the 1st post

Husband very clear that he doesn't want her to go to NZ for a year if we are alive, just if we aren't...

theoretica

sheramber wrote: »

from the 1st post

Husband very clear that he doesn't want her to go to NZ for a year if we are alive, just if we aren't...

Oops - thanks. Seems very unfair to her potential new guardians. If you took in a niece or nephew would you want the deceased parents then upsetting this by taking them off you to go to a different aunt and uncle for a year?

Andypandyboy

I think that your husband is trying to redress the balance and offer his side "fair access" to your daughter if you are both off the scene. I agree that choosing an age when this must be done is not a good idea. Far better to leave a letter of wishes which stresses her NZ heritage, what it means to your husband and expresses a wish that at some point she will be made very welcome by her family out there should she choose to go.

There are so many variables that it would be unwise to be so prescriptive, for example, what if she is afraid of flying?

Primrose

Your husband is asking a lot if it ever happened. Your daughter will be at the height of her school learning and exams and to expect her to throw all this away and potentially disrupt her future career chances, as well as taking her away from her friends, at such a vulnerable time, is very selfish. He must not try to control her from the grave.


By all means suggest when she is older that she might like to spend a gap year with her overseas relatives, but don't force her into something she may well not want to do.

meer53

The whole "living abroad for a year" wish sounds unreasonable to me. Why would anyone need a "letter of wishes" ? It doesn't hold any weight legally, who would monitor it ?

enthusiasticsaver

Like others I am puzzled you are getting so upset about a scenario which is extremely unlikely to occur. I would also surmise your OH is feeling the distance between his family now you have a daughter. A letter of wishes is not legally binding and it would be extremely unfair to put a burden on a newly orphaned teenager when she would be coping with all sorts of other feelings.

Make sure your NZ family get lots of skype time with you, OH and family and try to make regular visits over and encourage them to come over here or meet somewhere in the middle - Singapore? Also have a frank conversation with your OH as to whether he is really OK with living in the UK when his family all live so far away.

My next door neighbours have a similar situation where their only GD lives in New Zealand with their son and DIL as DIL does not want to live in UK as her family are all in NZ. They feel the distance terribly especially now the GD is growing up and feel they are missing out in particular as they see our little GD visiting us regularly as my DD and SIL only live around the corner from us. Skype and yearly visits keep them going.

I feel for your OHs family and maybe he feels he wants to try and make things better - this does not by the way.

onomatopoeia99

pollypenny wrote: »

I'm sure she would be able to go to school in New Zealand and would probably enjoy it.

By the way some are talking about her education, it seems that they don't have schools in the southern hemisphere, at least some posters are talking in a way that suggests that education hasn't reached there yet.


I note the propsed trip is "in her teens". So could be between A levels and university, as she will still be a teenager, but also an adult and her education would not be disrupted. I know, because I took a year between my A levels and university nearly 30 years ago, one can apply to a university stating for delayed entrance and the university will agree. I worked full time in an office for a year to fund my studies in that time, others chose to "go travelling" because they came from more wealthy families that could support them to do this.

Would it be so terrible for her if the opportunity existed for her to go and live with the other branch of her family in NZ for a year as an 18 year old and get to know them properly, as well having the opportunity to experience a different culture, should she wish to avail herself of it?

I don't see why this is being regarded as a burden, not an opportunity. It's not binding, it could happen a decade or more after the OP's death so the question of being in mourning or vulnerable would not arise, and a year out between school and university does not damage career prospects