At OUR financial limit... now she's leaving me

ptwell

Hi all.

Sorry to bore you all with this, especially as I don't usually post on here and only browse.

I've been with the same woman for 5 years now and almost a year ago we moved into a rented house which was pretty much at the top of our combined budget but, it's an ideal location for work and has three bedrooms, which I need as I have two teenage children who stay with me every weekend.

She's suddenly dropped it on me that she wants to leave me and has already contacted the letting agents to give her one month notice.
Her next payment is due in about a week and she's offered to pay next month's too.

Emotionally, this is pretty draining as I'm sure you can imagine and I'm feeling pretty low but I somehow have to sort out the financial mess.
I know I should have been more careful but living together we were fine financially so, for example I have my car on 5 year finance that only started in Feb 2015, I have an iPhone 6S on contract with EE that only started in Sept 2015, a BT Infinity2 contract that started in July 2015 (in my name), I've got almost £3k on a credit card and, after our TV blew up right after Christmas, we 'bought' a TV on my Very account at 0%, a period which will end early next year.

So I can't really give you too many specifics, I need to sit down and work them out myself but I hope that gives you some idea of the mess that I'm left in.

Really, apart from wanting to come on here and vent a little, it would be good to hear any general advice you can give me.
I simply can't afford to pay all of these things on my own but I really don't want to go back to the dark days where I had a poor credit record. It's been good for a while now and calling around saying that I can't pay this or that will surely damage it again.

Sorry, I'm waffling now.
Any advice is most welcome.

gingercordial

Sympathies, OP, that sounds difficult.

It would be worth you sitting down and filling out the Statement of Affairs (SOA) at the link below and then posting here or making a thread over at the Debt Free Wannabe board, as they are magic at finding ways to cut your budget.

http://stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

(There is a button which formats it nicely for the MSE forums.)

In the meantime, and maybe once the dust has settled, could your teenagers share a bedroom and you rent the other out to a lodger for some extra money? Maybe a colleague if it is good for your workplace? If it's London or another big city you may even be able to find a weekday-only lodger looking to avoid a long commute so you then have it to yourself when your kids are visiting - but even if not my parents used to have lodgers or foreign students in the spare room when I was a kid and it was fine.

ptwell

gingercordial wrote: »

In the meantime, and maybe once the dust has settled, could your teenagers share a bedroom and you rent the other out to a lodger for some extra money? Maybe a colleague if it is good for your workplace? If it's London or another big city you may even be able to find a weekday-only lodger looking to avoid a long commute so you then have it to yourself when your kids are visiting - but even if not my parents used to have lodgers or foreign students in the spare room when I was a kid and it was fine.

I'll have a look through the SOA, thank you.

My kids are different sexes, 15 and 13 so I can't ask them to share a room, unfortunately.
I live in Stoke-on-Trent and not all that close to the university sites, hospitals, colleges or business centre so finding someone who would be willing to stay only during the week could be very difficult. I will look though and, again your suggestions are appreciated.

theoretica

Firstly you need full information - every penny in and out.

Make sure you register for the single adult council tax.
Could you find week day only lodgers for the other rooms?
Move to a smaller property (and you sleep on the sofa at weekends)?

TBagpuss

You say she has contacted the letting agent - what kind of tenancy do you have? Normally, as a couple you'd have a joint tenancy so if she has given notice the tenancy will end, and you would either need to ask the landlord if they will grant a new tenancy to you alone, or move out.

Look at your finances and consider which option is better for you. Obviously the property suits you but if you can't afford it on your wown then you may need to look at moving to a smaller property, or one bit further from work. While not ideal, you could consider having a 2 bed, and getting a sofa bed so that at weekends the children could have the bedrooms and you could sleep in the living room.

It's not ideal but it may be preferable to staying in the 3 bed and getting into debt.

ptwell

TBagpuss wrote: »

You say she has contacted the letting agent - what kind of tenancy do you have? Normally, as a couple you'd have a joint tenancy so if she has given notice the tenancy will end, and you would either need to ask the landlord if they will grant a new tenancy to you alone, or move out.

In all honesty, she only sent me a text message from work today to tell me she'd contacted the Letting Agents so I don't know the details yet. It IS a joint tenancy, though so what you've said is worrying.

Happytravelling

Sounds stressful

I'd suggest ringing BT, EE, etc to find out what the cancellation charges would be. You don't have to cancel straight away, but it would help you to weigh up whether it was worth a financial penalty now to save more on an ongoing basis.

If your credit status is currently good, it might also be a good opportunity to look for a 0% balance transfer deal to move your credit card balance (do the sums to make sure it stacks up, there's normally a % fee for the transfer) so that you don't accrue interest in the meantime.

The debt free wannabe boards are a good place to post SOA's- I've never done it myself but looked at lots of others for ideas. Responses can be direct but people a just trying to help and tough decisions have to be made, as I'm sure you're anticipating.

As someone mentioned above, you'll be able to register for single person council tax, so that reduces a bill a little too.

If you're significantly short every month even after trimming what you can, I'd go to citizens' advice if I were you- they might be able to give you more information about your rights that might help end contracts early or negotiate payment plans, etc.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

ptwell wrote: »

I'll have a look through the SOA, thank you.

My kids are different sexes, 15 and 13 so I can't ask them to share a room, unfortunately.
I live in Stoke-on-Trent and not all that close to the university sites, hospitals, colleges or business centre so finding someone who would be willing to stay only during the week could be very difficult. I will look though and, again your suggestions are appreciated.

Whyever not? What on earth do you think your son would do to your daughter?


My OH used to work for a council housing department and he was, just as I am, baffled why people think their sons can't possibly share rooms with their daughters. In this case, it's not even their main home, so if it's that much of a problem, have one stay each week or get them to take turns to sleep on the sofa.

Separating from somebody sucks, but not wanting to change the comfortable life you did have isn't any consolation if you simply cannot afford the luxury of two spare rooms for two hundred and sixty days a year. It would make sense for you to look for a cheaper two bedroom flat and explain to them that, unfortunately, sharing is just what has to happen.

At the same time, you're going to need to cut everything possible - subscription TV, nights out if that's something you did, even the food you eat. It could be handy to pay off the credit card with a lower interest loan now rather than wait for your credit rating to be hit (pay off the TV in one lump sum whilst you are at it, as the Very interest rate is extortionate), and the other point is that, as soon as your now ex moves out, you get 25% discount on your council tax, you'll spend less than half on food, less on water, electricity, gas and there'll be no joint expenses, treats, presents or anything else that is more common in a relationship.


Your kids want to see you, whatever the circumstances - they're old enough to understand that things change after separation and that a lifestyle costs money that, if you don't have it, you just can't have anymore - and if their Mum is unhappy with this change, I suspect that she would be less happy if you were to stop seeing them or had to move into a bedsit where they physically wouldn't have room to stay.

19lottie82

I know in an ideal world you would like your kids to have their own rooms for their weekend visits, but the reality is you may not be able to afford this.

Your present situation dictates you have to increase your incomings or decrease your outgoings. Simple solutions would be a lodger or move to a cheaper (smaller) place.

Kim_kim

Perhaps a one bed with a sofa bed in the lounge would be the best bet for a solo income.
You & your son could share the lounge & let your daughter have the bedroom or vice versa.

FBaby

My advice is, however emotionally drained you are, which means that you will be highly tempted to procrastinate and not deal with the most disheartening part of the breakup, your priority is to ensure that you don't fall into the trap of debt. It is indeed what your post is all about and you are right to focus on that as you could so easily find yourself in a very scary situation.

Firstly, you need to find out the situation about the property. What kind of tenancy are you in, fixed or rolling. I am guessing probably rolling, hence the month's notice. Although that might be frightening, it is probably for the best as you can't afford the place on your own, so your priority is to find somewhere that IS affordable. Getting a three bedroom is not important at this stage, kids adapt and if sharing really is an issue (my two wouldn't mind sharing in this situation), then you can sort it out that one has your bedroom and you stay on the sofa etc... Each having their own bedroom is not a need but a luxury in your situation.

Then you need to call all the company you listed and begged to get out of the finances. Then consider which offer you a deal and which don't, and go from there. Sell what you can, and just accept that you will have to start from scratch.

It's really tough, but now as tough as it will be if you ignore it all and end up in a better place in your head in a few months time, but with a massive debt that you just don't know how you will clear. The more in control you are, the stronger you will be.