Best approach to this situation

TeamPlum

Bloody hell, have you ever met a woman before?

Why do you feel the need to give her "feedback"? You're neither her manager, nor her father.

Just be supportive, then when she's calmed down discuss solutions.

toniq

Guest101 wrote: »

I suspect the best thing she can do is get rid of negativity in her life. IE you.

Good god I agree with Guest!!! :eek::eek::eek: and everything he quoted in red above.

Guest101

toniq wrote: »

Good god I agree with Guest!!! :eek::eek::eek: and everything he quoted in red above.

It happens to everyone occasionally

tea_lover

So she's asked you repeatedly, for months (plural) for help reviewing her CV and you haven't bothered. Yet somehow that's her fault?

If I were her I'd be running for the hills.

The day a partner tries to give me an annual appraisal is the day I leave.

comeandgo

When she talks to get things off her chest just listen, don't criticise her, constructive or otherwise.

TBagpuss

From what you describe, it does sound as though your partner may still have soem growing up to do but it also asounds as though you as a couple need to owrk on your communication skills.

For example, with her CV, yes, it was thoughtless of her to remind you only at times when you couldn't help, but equally, it was thoughtless of you not to make more of an effort - once she had madethe request, you could have said to her (for instance ) "OK, I'll look at it on Saturday morning and then we'll both be around to discuss it if you want" - in other words, you could have taken a bit more responsibility about finding a suitable time, once she had made the original request. After all, she may well have not wanted to nag you so tried not to be on to you as soon as you seemed to be relaxing or at a loose end.

In relation to the issue at work, I suspect that Mrs Imp is right and that in the first instance, sympathy rather than criticism was probably what she wanted. Another time, try responding with someothing like "that sounds horrible - I'm sorry you had a bad day" and then consider asking her a bit ater on if she would like your take on what she's told you.

She sounds as though she reacted inappropriately to her boss, but your response was unhelpful and not constructive. Part of the poblemseems to have ben a lack of efective communication between her and her boss, so if you were giving advice, it would have ben better to have made contructive suggestions.

For instnace, you tod her she was wrong and should have done the work faster. You don't know tht, becuase you don't know how complex the task was or what lse she was expected to do at the same time. constructive feedback might have ben to say something like "Maybe next time Boss tells you something is a priority, it would be a good idea to ask him what the deadline is or when he expects you to get the task done. That way, you know what he expects, and if you start the task and it isn't possible to compelte it in the timescale he wants you can go back to him when that becomes obvious, and let him know"

It can also be constructive to reflect back to someone what they've told you, and to ask further questions so maybe "It does sound as though he was unprofessinal in how he spoke to you, and that he should have made his expectations clearer at the beginning. Do you think it would help another time if you asked him, when he gives you a priority task, what his timescale is?" or "was it just that task which took 2 weeks, or was it becuae you were doing your normal day to day stuff as well? Would it help another time to ask him for a deadline, then if necessary you can ask him about cover for other tasks if it is not practical to do both"

That way, you can (IF asked!!) able to be supportive and sympathetic and also offer suggestions which may help her to change.

In a more general way, have you considered asking her, rather than us, how you can improve communications withher? Have you asked her whether she wants yu to be trying to give her directions about her career or whether she really just wants to be able to let off steam sometimes.

In your post, you come across more as though you are an adult talking about a child, or a manager talking about a very junior member of staff. You don't come across as someone talking about their equal. If that attitude comes over in how you talk to her , as well as how you talk about her, that's likely to be a big part of the problem.

kitrat

I hate to be one of those people who dredges up old threads but after looking at previous comments about your wedding dress saga along with this thread I wonder if perhaps you might see your opinions as 'right' and hers as often being 'wrong'. I got the impression you maybe think a bit too much of yourself (just how it came across! Not trying to have a dig at you) and maybe this might be obvious to her. I hope that's not the case but perhaps you need to have a good think about if that's true and if it is then how can this relationship keep on working long term, and if it isn't true then you need to think about how you come across to her to make that clear. Seems a bit one sided this relationship.

Person_one

Andrew_Ryan_89 wrote: »

I have been with my girlfriend for a few years and she's quite an emotional person. Historically it as always been quite hard to get through to her and make her see reason but she has improved quite a bit since we have been together.. It's hard to describe without stating very specific situation but she has a very short fuse and even when she has calmed down has difficulty seeing where she was in the wrong.

<snip>

She is smart, talented and could easily be earning much more than she is but it's like it is impossible for her to take on criticism and I fear if she gets a new role, she'll be making all the same mistakes. How do I get through to someone who just puts up a titanium wall anytime she senses you are going to give her a "lecture"?

This post gave me flashbacks to an ex I'd rather not think about!

You seem to have assumed the default position that you will always be right, and if you disagree or approach something differently then she is wrong. This is not the case. Sometimes you will be right, sometimes she will be right, and sometimes you'll just have different views neither of which will be right or wrong. You are not the senior partner in the relationship, you are equals.

You also seem to have set yourself up as some sort of life coach for your partner, you think its ok to give her lectures and try to convince her that she's wrong about the way she goes about things at work, yet the one time she actually asked you for some support by looking at her CV you procrastinated and 'forgot' and never actually bothered. Partners are supposed to support and encourage each other and help each other to achieve what they want to achieve. That doesn't mean evaluating their every action and giving 'feedback' to try and make them do and see things your way, it does mean helping when asked!

What is the purpose of this relationship to you? Are you with this woman because you've fallen for her, as she is, or because you see her as somebody you can shape into the sort of woman you want as a partner, if she'll only accept your pushing and prodding and 'feedback and 'lectures'?

Georgiegirl256

Guest101 wrote: »

It happens to everyone occasionally

OMG, it's just happened to me too! I agree with all in your post too! :eek:

arbrighton

You know what, if my husband spoke to me in the way in which you're describing, I'd be getting 'emotional' too.

You don't seem to have any respect for her or her views whatsoever. Your post sounded more like 'my employee' than 'the person I love and want to spend my life with'. Especially 'give her feedback'. I know when my husband sometimes tells me how things should be done, it really does upset me, as I already have low self esteem and beat myself up/ tell myself I'm not good enough so his words compound that. Have you considered how she might actually feel?

You agreed to look at her CV so you need to step up and do so. I get fed up with reminding (or 'nagging' as it is after several months if it's not done).

Is make her see reason a code for 'discuss' at her until she gives in and agrees with you as if she has a different opinion to you she is 'emotional'. If even you can see you are 'lecturing her', are you at all surprised she's not listening?

You haven't said a single positive thing about her.