Best approach to this situation

Starrystarrynight1

It seems like the OP's partner finds it difficult to accept that she may even be partly at fault when situations go wrong. If I'd been given a top priority project, I'd have taken it upon myself to ask about a possible deadline. Then, when she's criticised, she gets huffy and juvenile about it.

Try to be a bit more gentle with what you say to her, though, OP. A bit of sympathy will go a long way, and maybe you could drop some gentle hints at a later time. If she doesn't pick up on them, maybe she really is self involved and can't see she might not be right all the time.

barbiedoll

I can sympathise a little with OP. When you live with a partner, who whines constantly about work but who you know has the power within themselves to change things, it can be a bit tiresome sometimes.

My husband is a grafter but he has always told me that he "has a problem with authority". In reality, this just means that he doesn't like being told what to do. Although thankfully, he has grown up over the years, he has walked out of several jobs because a boss has said something and he's taken it badly.

Over the years, I have learned how to deal with him when he has come home moaning about work. Firstly, I do the tea and sympathy, but only if I feel that he is in the right (which to be fair, he sometimes is!) If I think that he's just being a big baby, I'll still do the tea and sympathy but I'll then talk him round, explaining that the world is a harsh place and some people are just tw@ts, but that we all have to put up with it. I'll suggest ways to deal with a situation calmly, I've suggested that we have a night out or a takeaway as a treat. I'll praise him to the hilt but remind him that we all have to toe the line at some time and that you should pick your battles wisely.

It's a learned skill, I've used it with warring colleagues, family members and with my kid when he was really starting to get bored in Sixth form. You have to make them see that even if they're right, sometimes you have to swallow it at work, it's just the way the world is. Tantrums and tears will only take you so far, being reasonable, hard-working and clever about what you want, works much better. Having said that, no-one should take any carp from their boss but that's what line managers and HR are for, if there is serious trouble with a boss or colleague, there are ways to deal with this.

OP, you sound like a decent enough bloke, your missus sounds like she needs a bit of TLC along with some carefully-timed tough love. Good luck with that!

NBLondon

Mrs_Imp wrote: »

OP, when I go to Mr Imp with a problem, I want sympathy first, not a solution. That can come later. I want someone to listen to me and sympathise and be understanding.
I suspect you are giving 'solutions' where she wants sympathy.

TeamPlum wrote: »

Bloody hell, have you ever met a woman before?

Why do you feel the need to give her "feedback"? You're neither her manager, nor her father.

Just be supportive, then when she's calmed down discuss solutions.

indiepanda wrote: »

I've been frustrated by male friends and boyfriends who think I want them to solve my problems. I really don't, sometimes I just want someone to listen and let me rant while I get something off my chest. My female friends seem better at understanding this (though I will give my ex credit, he was great at just listening).

Y'know - this is often a stereotypical male-female thing...

Many men automatically think they are being asked for a solution - or they try to offer solutions because they want to make things better and don't know how to be sympathetic/empathetic (or don't think that's enough). Many women just need to offload the feelings so they can think through their own solution but others are actually wanting someone else to take the responsibility and fix it for them (perhaps because Daddy always did).

It takes time to adjust to each other and be able to know when your partner wants an answer and when they just want an ear. Andrew is still working on this (and has realised it above). Hey - it took me a while to accept that when my wife has a moan about work, she is partly letting off steam and partly talking as a way of getting it straight in her own mind to devise her response to a problem. Equally, she took a while to realise that I wasn't psychic and when she shifts from venting to thinking aloud to asking me for an opinion (sometime all in one breath) I need a more direct clue.

It sounds like the girlfriend here isn't the best at asking clearly for help or clarification (didn't ask for a specific deadline on the priority task - didn't ask Andrew for a practical time to look at her CV) but possibly his style is over-directive and the two mismatched approaches are winding each other up even more so.

LannieDuck

NBLondon wrote: »

Y'know - this is often a stereotypical male-female thing...

Many men automatically think they are being asked for a solution - or they try to offer solutions because they want to make things better and don't know how to be sympathetic/empathetic (or don't think that's enough). Many women just need to offload the feelings so they can think through their own solution but others are actually wanting someone else to take the responsibility and fix it for them (perhaps because Daddy always did).

It sounds like the girlfriend here isn't the best at asking clearly for help or clarification (didn't ask for a specific deadline on the priority task - didn't ask Andrew for a practical time to look at her CV) but possibly his style is over-directive and the two mismatched approaches are winding each other up even more so.

I don't think it's a man-woman thing. I often try to find solutions to my OH's problems because I want to help him, not because I'm a man (I'm not).

Re the bit in bold: or because Mummy always did?

The final para might well be true... but i think it's more to do with individual personalities than with gender.

LannieDuck

TeamPlum wrote: »

Bloody hell, have you ever met a woman before?

You're suggesting all women are overly-emotional and irrational? Even as a joke that's pretty weak.

TeamPlum

LannieDuck wrote: »

You're suggesting all women are overly-emotional and irrational? Even as a joke that's pretty weak.

Well no, I wasn't. However, when you leap to your own [wrong] conclusions, and get angry at the [wrong] conclusions, you'll look a little silly.

I was suggesting that not many women (or men, for that matter) like being lectured, and given "feedback".

You'll often find offence if you're looking for it, but sometimes, it just isn't there.

Guest101

TeamPlum wrote: »

Well no, I wasn't. However, when you leap to your own [wrong] conclusions, and get angry at the [wrong] conclusions, you'll look a little silly.

I was suggesting that not many women (or men, for that matter) like being lectured, and given "feedback".

You'll often find offence if you're looking for it, but sometimes, it just isn't there.

It's a choice to be offended. Something often forgotten in this molly-coddled country

NBLondon

LannieDuck wrote: »

I don't think it's a man-woman thing. I often try to find solutions to my OH's problems because I want to help him, not because I'm a man (I'm not).

Didn't say it was universal... just common. It could well be an E-S-brain thing (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empathizing%E2%80%93systemizing_theory if you haven't come across it) and thus more prevalent in women. Might be interesting to see if the same dynamic crops up in non-hetero couples.


It is natural to want to help and support your partner isn't it? But if your not good at empathising (and on average men aren't as good) then you can fall into the trap of offering solutions too quickly and too dominantly. Equally, there are some people who I find are over-empathisers and over-helpers who will jump in and start helping before being asked - or even before there's actually a problem.

Re the bit in bold: or because Mummy always did?

Quite possibly. I guess that a young woman who always relied on her father for decision-making would possibly transfer that to a male partner but one who relied on her mother would continue to do so... A young man who always relied on his mother for decision-making tends not to have a female partner for long... unless she was chosen by Mummy!

LannieDuck

TeamPlum wrote: »

Well no, I wasn't. However, when you leap to your own [wrong] conclusions, and get angry at the [wrong] conclusions, you'll look a little silly.

I was suggesting that not many women (or men, for that matter) like being lectured, and given "feedback".

You'll often find offence if you're looking for it, but sometimes, it just isn't there.

Who's angry? And I didn't take offence. I also didn't leap to any conclusions - it was phrased as a question because it wasn't clear what you meant.

It's true that not many people like to be lectured, but your statement was specific to women. I don't think I've ever heard people saying "women don't like being lectured", but I've certainly heard "women are too emotional". And the gf being too emotional was literally the first sentence of the OP. Hence my question.

Izzy8484

You do not sound like a very good boyfriend.