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Best approach to this situation
Andrew_Ryan_89
Posts: 530 Forumite
Hey guys,
I have been with my girlfriend for a few years and she's quite an emotional person. Historically it as always been quite hard to get through to her and make her see reason but she has improved quite a bit since we have been together.. It's hard to describe without stating very specific situation but she has a very short fuse and even when she has calmed down has difficulty seeing where she was in the wrong.
For some time now she has had difficulty at work with the job being boring and the development expected not there. From this, two main incidents have occurred and it will be great to get your feedback on them. Whether I approached it correctly or whether I was in the wrong.
1. She has been wanting to look for a new job for some time and asked me to look at her CV. I agreed but for one reason or another, just forgot to do it. She would bring it up late at night, when we are going out etc. Basically at times I could not do it. Months go by and one night she brings it up again. I tell her that, though I am sorry I keep forgetting, she needs to take the reigns on such things. If you see me sitting down watching TV/doing nothing important, you need to grab me then, not when I have put my head down to sleep. Also, during the days after work or at the weekend, most of her time is spent watching shows like TOWIE. I said she needs to start look for jobs and getting her CV out there.
She got a little upset, said she didn't need my help looking at her CV and almost to prove a point to me, started looking for a job by herself. Turned out me being a bit hard on her kicked her into action.
2. At work she is given an assignment and told it was top priority and needed a quick turn around. She gets in completed in two weeks and it is something that sounds like it can be done it 2 days max. With that said I do not know her workload or really how long such a thing should take but she got stick from her manager who chased her. Her manager spoke to her in a way that can be said is not acceptable and that's why she has got all upset. However, I told her that she should have done the work quicker with her response being that "she wasn't given a deadline" and that the main issue is the way the manager spoke to her.
Trying to be constructive, I am trying to explain to her that she was given something as priority and she should have got it done much sooner. I am trying to say it in a way that if you just done what you were supposed to in the first place, all of this stuff would not have happened. She has to genuinely take responsibility and response to the manager should have been more along the lines of "I am sorry I missed the deadline, should have said I was snowed under" instead of "I never miss deadlines", "You should have given me a date" and "I don't like the way you have spoken to me".
Thing is, when I am trying to give her feedback, she just dismisses me immediately and storms off. I understand that sometimes people just need a rant and someone to listen but it has happened on so many occasions I fear she is not learning. The main reason I am posting here is because last week she had a catch up with her manager about what happened and stormed out the meeting. Even when the manager called her back she ignored her. She told me about this but I could not hold my tongue and had to tell her she was in the wrong.
Back when I left university and started my career, I was lucky to have a mentor who kicked my !!! in many situations. Even the boss I hated, if I done something wrong I would easily admit it and it's personally served me well. My girlfriend just seems to have a very short fuse and can't see reason even when the storm has calmed.
She is smart, talented and could easily be earning much more than she is but it's like it is impossible for her to take on criticism and I fear if she gets a new role, she'll be making all the same mistakes. How do I get through to someone who just puts up a titanium wall anytime she senses you are going to give her a "lecture"?
I have been with my girlfriend for a few years and she's quite an emotional person. Historically it as always been quite hard to get through to her and make her see reason but she has improved quite a bit since we have been together.. It's hard to describe without stating very specific situation but she has a very short fuse and even when she has calmed down has difficulty seeing where she was in the wrong.
For some time now she has had difficulty at work with the job being boring and the development expected not there. From this, two main incidents have occurred and it will be great to get your feedback on them. Whether I approached it correctly or whether I was in the wrong.
1. She has been wanting to look for a new job for some time and asked me to look at her CV. I agreed but for one reason or another, just forgot to do it. She would bring it up late at night, when we are going out etc. Basically at times I could not do it. Months go by and one night she brings it up again. I tell her that, though I am sorry I keep forgetting, she needs to take the reigns on such things. If you see me sitting down watching TV/doing nothing important, you need to grab me then, not when I have put my head down to sleep. Also, during the days after work or at the weekend, most of her time is spent watching shows like TOWIE. I said she needs to start look for jobs and getting her CV out there.
She got a little upset, said she didn't need my help looking at her CV and almost to prove a point to me, started looking for a job by herself. Turned out me being a bit hard on her kicked her into action.
2. At work she is given an assignment and told it was top priority and needed a quick turn around. She gets in completed in two weeks and it is something that sounds like it can be done it 2 days max. With that said I do not know her workload or really how long such a thing should take but she got stick from her manager who chased her. Her manager spoke to her in a way that can be said is not acceptable and that's why she has got all upset. However, I told her that she should have done the work quicker with her response being that "she wasn't given a deadline" and that the main issue is the way the manager spoke to her.
Trying to be constructive, I am trying to explain to her that she was given something as priority and she should have got it done much sooner. I am trying to say it in a way that if you just done what you were supposed to in the first place, all of this stuff would not have happened. She has to genuinely take responsibility and response to the manager should have been more along the lines of "I am sorry I missed the deadline, should have said I was snowed under" instead of "I never miss deadlines", "You should have given me a date" and "I don't like the way you have spoken to me".
Thing is, when I am trying to give her feedback, she just dismisses me immediately and storms off. I understand that sometimes people just need a rant and someone to listen but it has happened on so many occasions I fear she is not learning. The main reason I am posting here is because last week she had a catch up with her manager about what happened and stormed out the meeting. Even when the manager called her back she ignored her. She told me about this but I could not hold my tongue and had to tell her she was in the wrong.
Back when I left university and started my career, I was lucky to have a mentor who kicked my !!! in many situations. Even the boss I hated, if I done something wrong I would easily admit it and it's personally served me well. My girlfriend just seems to have a very short fuse and can't see reason even when the storm has calmed.
She is smart, talented and could easily be earning much more than she is but it's like it is impossible for her to take on criticism and I fear if she gets a new role, she'll be making all the same mistakes. How do I get through to someone who just puts up a titanium wall anytime she senses you are going to give her a "lecture"?
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Comments
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Andrew_Ryan_89 wrote: »Hey guys,
I have been with my girlfriend for a few years and she's quite an emotional person. Historically it as always been quite hard to get through to her and make her see reason but she has improved quite a bit since we have been together.. It's hard to describe without stating very specific situation but she has a very short fuse and even when she has calmed down has difficulty seeing where she was in the wrong.
For some time now she has had difficulty at work with the job being boring and the development expected not there. From this, two main incidents have occurred and it will be great to get your feedback on them. Whether I approached it correctly or whether I was in the wrong.
1. She has been wanting to look for a new job for some time and asked me to look at her CV. I agreed but for one reason or another, just forgot to do it. She would bring it up late at night, when we are going out etc. Basically at times I could not do it. Months go by and one night she brings it up again. I tell her that, though I am sorry I keep forgetting, she needs to take the reigns on such things. If you see me sitting down watching TV/doing nothing important, you need to grab me then, not when I have put my head down to sleep. Also, during the days after work or at the weekend, most of her time is spent watching shows like TOWIE. I said she needs to start look for jobs and getting her CV out there. - Seriously you couldn't be bothered to set an alarm on your phone for an hour after you finish work to look through her CV, for a MONTH?!
She got a little upset, said she didn't need my help looking at her CV and almost to prove a point to me, started looking for a job by herself. Turned out me being a bit hard on her kicked her into action. - I suspect part of the action will be having a think on the commitment you have to something which is important to her.
2. At work she is given an assignment and told it was top priority and needed a quick turn around. She gets in completed in two weeks and it is something that sounds like it can be done it 2 days max. With that said I do not know her workload or really how long such a thing should take but she got stick from her manager who chased her. Her manager spoke to her in a way that can be said is not acceptable and that's why she has got all upset. However, I told her that she should have done the work quicker with her response being that "she wasn't given a deadline" and that the main issue is the way the manager spoke to her. - I don't know if the manager was reasonable or not. An assignment can take 2 days or 2 years, so I cant comment on that. BUT you should be supportive of your girlfriend!
Trying to be constructive, I am trying to explain to her that she was given something as priority and she should have got it done much sooner. - a priority task can still take a while! You clearly have no idea as you've obviously not worked on any significant projects. I am trying to say it in a way that if you just done what you were supposed to in the first place, all of this stuff would not have happened. She has to genuinely take responsibility and response to the manager should have been more along the lines of "I am sorry I missed the deadline, should have said I was snowed under" instead of "I never miss deadlines", "You should have given me a date" and "I don't like the way you have spoken to me". - the 3 statement your girlfriend made are perfectly reasonable. What you suggested is weak.
Thing is, when I am trying to give her feedback, she just dismisses me immediately and storms off. - Im not surprised! I understand that sometimes people just need a rant and someone to listen but it has happened on so many occasions I fear she is not learning. The main reason I am posting here is because last week she had a catch up with her manager about what happened and stormed out the meeting. Even when the manager called her back she ignored her. She told me about this but I could not hold my tongue and had to tell her she was in the wrong. - How can you possibly know that, there are plenty of idiots who are managers? Even if she was, what's more important?
Back when I left university and started my career, I was lucky to have a mentor who kicked my !!! in many situations. Even the boss I hated, if I done something wrong I would easily admit it and it's personally served me well. My girlfriend just seems to have a very short fuse and can't see reason even when the storm has calmed. - You needed someone to hold your hand and that served you well?
She is smart, talented and could easily be earning much more than she is but it's like it is impossible for her to take on criticism and I fear if she gets a new role, she'll be making all the same mistakes. How do I get through to someone who just puts up a titanium wall anytime she senses you are going to give her a "lecture"?
I suspect the best thing she can do is get rid of negativity in her life. IE you.0 -
I agree with a lot of what guest101 has already posted.
Re the bits in bold - it's a poor manager who delegates a task that is clearly time critical doesn't state a deadline.Andrew_Ryan_89 wrote: »2. At work she is given an assignment and told it was top priority and needed a quick turn around. She gets in completed in two weeks and it is something that sounds like it can be done it 2 days max. With that said I do not know her workload or really how long such a thing should take but she got stick from her manager who chased her. Her manager spoke to her in a way that can be said is not acceptable and that's why she has got all upset. However, I told her that she should have done the work quicker with her response being that "she wasn't given a deadline" and that the main issue is the way the manager spoke to her.
Trying to be constructive, I am trying to explain to her that she was given something as priority and she should have got it done much sooner. I am trying to say it in a way that if you just done what you were supposed to in the first place, all of this stuff would not have happened. She has to genuinely take responsibility and response to the manager should have been more along the lines of "I am sorry I missed the deadline, should have said I was snowed under" instead of "I never miss deadlines", "You should have given me a date" and "I don't like the way you have spoken to me".
I don't know what type of environment your girlfriend works in but I would have made sure I knew my manager's expectations regarding completion of the task.
So I think you're a little harsh blaming her fully for missing the deadline.
In reality, how could your girlfriend apologise for missing the deadline when she wasn't given one?0 -
Strange, isn't it. I was thinking the exact opposite. She appears to be a high maintenance drama queen, so he should get rid of the negativity in his life. Her!I suspect the best thing she can do is get rid of negativity in her life. IE you.:dance:We're gonna be alright, dancin' on a Saturday night:dance:0 -
I suspect the best thing she can do is get rid of negativity in her life. IE you.
Indeed.. is this the third or 4th thread started to slate the woman?? I'm yet to see a nice word written about her!LB moment 10/06 Debt Free date 6/6/14Hope to be debt free until the day I dieMortgage-free Wannabee (05/08/30)6/6/14 £72,454.65 (5.65% int.)08/12/2023 £33602.00 (4.81% int.)0 -
OP, when I go to Mr Imp with a problem, I want sympathy first, not a solution. That can come later. I want someone to listen to me and sympathise and be understanding.
I suspect you are giving 'solutions' where she wants sympathy.0 -
And im thinking it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.
Im with Guest 101, absolutely no excuse for not doing her CV, or indeed showing just basic support.
However, im also partly in agreement with BarryBlue, if she continues to be high maintenance and show such disrespect to her boss with storming out of meetings ect, she's soon going to find herself on the bad side of her manager and HR, and she doesnt need that if she's looking for a good reference.,Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.0 -
Hi op.
It is difficult.
Golden rule is not to give feedback unless asked for one.
You can be supportive without endorsing her actions , just acknowledging her feelings and being emphatic.
Pushing someone towards something is not a good way , they have to figure it out themselves. In a relationship it is harmful as well.
Re CV - you been lazy and thoughtless. We all are to dome extent. So was she. You claimed she should been more thoughtful in finding appropriate time to bring the issue up. While you reserved the right to be the same thoughtless and lazy in not volunteering for it in appropriate time yourself. Of course it hurt her ,our downsides pointed out during arguments with lived ones hurt. It might kicked her into action . At a price of your relationship.
Re people suggesting you get rid of each other '- you probably young, most of us messed up our early relationships, thats how we learn. Hopefully:DThe word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.0 -
The situation regarding the deadline being missed is pretty ambiguous - It could have been a case of her being lazy and getting stroppy when she was called out on it, but equally it could have been caused by an incompetent manager not fully explaining the task and then trying to shift the blame on to her when the deadline was missed.
Either way, I would expect anyone's partner to listen to their side of the story and sympathise rather than jumping in with criticisms of their work ethic.
If I'd asked my OH to take a look at my CV and he couldn't find time in a month to do it, I'd be annoyed too.0 -
I fail to see what TV programmes she watches are anything to do it with either, surely we all have a right to sit and relax with whatever programme we like?
Personally my relax programmes are the likes of Four in a Bed and Come Dine With Me
Its not that we have more patience as we grow older, its just that we're too tired to care about all the pointless drama
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Hi OP,
Actions speak louder than words
The scale of your actions V's words is way out of kilter
Actions:
Zero- will not help with CV
Words:
Thousands, all negative and appear to all be unrequested - and are all 'opinion based' advice as opposed to 'factual advice' - i.e ''this is how it worked for me, so if it doesn't work like this for you then something is not as it should be''
The problem with 'opinion based advice' as per the example above - the only outcome of it, is going to belittle the person you are giving it to should the advice not work for them. What works for you isn't always going to work for someone else. We are all so different so to use your situation as a bench mark of how she should live her life is not worth toffee.
Just to notice as well, you do speak very negatively of your girlfriend, as if you don't actually like her and have issue with some deep rooted parts of her personality that you wish were not there, but which were there longer than you have been yourselfWith love, POSR
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