Victim blaming mentality

pickledonionspaceraider

Hi all

Something I find concerning lately, is a victim blaming mentality. Not just here but in general on internet forums, and in real life.

Some threads on here, where people ask for help for some reason, often end with several other posters rounding on them telling them it is somehow the OPs fault, or the problem is imagined because the OP is merely being hysterical.

This is a very concerning train of thought as there seem to be a lot of people ill equipped nor mature enough to see the world as it is - i.e remove those rose coloured glasses and see that wrongs do happen, whether you like it or not. Bad things DO happen and it is unhealthy to pretend otherwise by blaming victims.

It is like people cannot handle bad news anymore and the only way their tiny minds can reason it out is to blame the innocent.

Furthermore there are several posters like vultures who are waiting in the wings to flame people for posting anything whatsoever. I am surprised anyone uses these boards anymore and even more amazed that anyone bothers asking for help on here, to get some imbecile with an attitude problem answering them in a deliberate attempt to make them feel worse. Eventually all that these boards will be is the usual suspects ripping each other to bits

Just to remind people that there are actual REAL LIFE people with feelings and real life problems behind these posts and if you are feeling pent up for some reason, trying to belittle someone who is already vulnerable enough to be asking for help is saying a lot about you, and none of it good..

I expect to be flamed, but you know what -bite me

coolcait

There are so many posts on MSE which refer to 'the usual suspects' - and not in a cinematic sense.

So many posts which talk of wolves, hyenas, vultures, packs - but signally fail to name-check the mosquito. A truly dangerous creature.

I digress.

I suspect that if each of those posts actually named the 'suspects', 'hyenas', 'wolves' etc, we would end up with a list of practically every user-name which has ever posted on here.

I have memories of some recent threads where someone complained that a group of posters regularly thanked each other's posts.

That 'someone' or 'someones' was regularly thanked by a small group of posters, and regularly thanked them right back...

And was seemingly oblivious to that irony.

There's a good chance that we will all see things which make us say to ourselves "Ooh! That overstepped the mark!"

If we all shared those things, we might find that we all set 'the mark' at a different point. We might also find that 'the mark' changed depending on the author of the post.

I believe in trolls. How could I deny that, when I have mentioned it more than once on here? :rotfl:

I also believe that each individual will see a different list of 'usual suspects'.

Those beliefs are based on observation.

Gavin83

If your referring to the topic regarding people hanging around outside the OPs house then I asked you which posts you were referring to as I didn't see any evidence of it. As of yet you haven't answered. If you wish to make such comments you should at least be prepared to pull people up on it.

Sure I see some topics where the OP is treated extremely harshly but that wasn't one of them IMO.

Personally I answer topics on here with my own opinions and as I would if someone came to me in person. I might be a little more sympathetic in person as it's easier to get emotion across but my overall advice wouldn't be different. Sometimes I can be quite harsh but if I am there is likely a reason for it and even in this case I do try and give a solution.

I suspect not everyone works like this but each individual is different.

pickledonionspaceraider

Gavin83 wrote: »

If your referring to the topic regarding people hanging around outside the OPs house

Not in particular no, as I said in the second line of my post

then I asked you which posts you were referring to as I didn't see any evidence of it. As of yet you haven't answered. If you wish to make such comments you should at least be prepared to pull people up on it.

I thought it may appear patronising to actually answer such a simple question when the answer is clearly in the text, should you have chose to read it rather than repeatedly asking other posters - because you fancy an argument or want to pull apart anything another poster says


I really am not intending to sound patronising here, but you really cannot be reading the same things as other people are, or not reading them properly, as you seem to be responding to a different thread time after time[/COLOR]

Sure I see some topics where the OP is treated extremely harshly but that wasn't one of them IMO.



Personally I answer topics on here with my own opinions and as I would if someone came to me in person. I might be a little more sympathetic in person as it's easier to get emotion across but my overall advice wouldn't be different. Sometimes I can be quite harsh but if I am there is likely a reason for it and even in this case I do try and give a solution.

I suspect not everyone works like this but each individual is different.

I do not understand what reason someone could give you to be harsh with them.

You do not agree with them i.e you feel you have the right to speak to them like rubbish??

I think we both know you do not behave like that - being harsh - in real life at all. You would not get away with it.

However on the internet, you can pretend

coolcait

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

Hi all

Something I find concerning lately, is a victim blaming mentality. Not just here but in general on internet forums, and in real life.

Some threads on here, where people ask for help for some reason, often end with several other posters rounding on them telling them it is somehow the OPs fault, or the problem is imagined because the OP is merely being hysterical.

This is a very concerning train of thought as there seem to be a lot of people ill equipped nor mature enough to see the world as it is - i.e remove those rose coloured glasses and see that wrongs do happen, whether you like it or not. Bad things DO happen and it is unhealthy to pretend otherwise by blaming victims.

It is like people cannot handle bad news anymore and the only way their tiny minds can reason it out is to blame the innocent.

Furthermore there are several posters like vultures who are waiting in the wings to flame people for posting anything whatsoever. I am surprised anyone uses these boards anymore and even more amazed that anyone bothers asking for help on here, to get some imbecile with an attitude problem answering them in a deliberate attempt to make them feel worse. Eventually all that these boards will be is the usual suspects ripping each other to bits

Just to remind people that there are actual REAL LIFE people with feelings and real life problems behind these posts and if you are feeling pent up for some reason, trying to belittle someone who is already vulnerable enough to be asking for help is saying a lot about you, and none of it good..

I expect to be flamed, but you know what -bite me

[Your signature]: You only live once...so make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet every day desperately seeking validation from strangers


I do find it difficult to reconcile your post with your signature.

pickledonionspaceraider

coolcait wrote: »

[Your signature]: You only live once...so make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet every day desperately seeking validation from strangers


I do find it difficult to reconcile your post with your signature.

That's OK lol - the signatures not aimed at anyone in particular.

Do people tend to change their signature each time they start a thread, to make it relevant to the thread?

coolcait

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

That's OK lol - the signatures not aimed at anyone in particular

When I first clicked on 'quote' your post said that the signature "isn't aimed at you". Your edit - as shown above - actually helps illustrate my point.

In your OP you say, amongst other things:

"Just to remind people that there are actual REAL LIFE people with feelings and real life problems behind these posts and if you are feeling pent up for some reason, trying to belittle someone who is already vulnerable enough to be asking for help is saying a lot about you, and none of it good.."

Those "REAL LIFE people.... vulnerable enough to be asking for help" are only living once. They are seeking (perhaps desperately) validation from strangers on the internet.

It seems a bit odd for you to be asking for consideration for other posters, while you have a signature which denigrates many of them.

NewShadow

May I suggest there's a few approaches to responding to a post for advice - and the one people tend to use depends on the phrasing of the request.

Generally.

If, as part of your opening post, you present a situation as completely someone else's fault - you'll have people pointing out you should take some responsibility.

If you post how it's all unfair - people will tell you why it's not actually totally unfair, or that life isn't always fair, but either way to deal with the situation at hand.

If you post asking 'Am I being hysterical' - you should expect people to say yes, you are being hysterical...


Ultimately, people can't change other people. The only constructive advice that can be given is for things the OP can do or change.

And that might include explaining to the OP why their previous action (or inaction) could have led to the current situation - That's not blame in my book, but you might disagree.

That means, by default, we're going to be expecting the OP to take responsibility for changing something.

Not sure if you see being responsible as the same as being at fault.

I don't, but I know a lot of 'society' does.

GlasweJen

Things like this happen in the real world too, are we all such special snow flakes that no one can cope with even the smallest of criticisms any more?

I've been told on numerous occasions by doctors to "try faint less" when that's not something I have control over. I lost friends when my long term boyfriend cheated on me with his ex.

Victims don't come out of situations pure white and smelling of roses in the real world so why would anyone expect more from the Internet?

Angry_Bear

GlasweJen wrote: »

Victims don't come out of situations pure white and smelling of roses in the real world so why would anyone expect more from the Internet?

Ignore me if I'm wrong, but I suspect the point is that you can't always control how other people treat you (in real life or on the internet) but you can control how you treat other people. The only thing you can do is make sure that you're not the one making someone feel crappy about themselves for no reason. Again in real life and on the internet.

And there is no doubt in my mind that some people are much more cruel/obnoxious/blunt on the internet than they would be face to face because it's easy to forget that there is a real person with real feelings on the other end. It's just worth bearing in mind, that even if you think someone might deserve it a little bit, there's nothing to be gained from being unnecessarily hurtful except maybe upsetting someone you've never met.

pendragon_arther

You'll always get rsoles in real life but on the internet there's probably more. They pretend to be cybersaints, judges, juries and executioners. When I first joined this site there were plenty more trolls than nowadays but there's still those saddoes who think they're superior and they're really cowards who hide behind a keyboard.

If you don't like them you can always use your 'ignore' option.