Money Moral Dilemma: Should I let my date pay when I'm not keen?

TBagpuss

Saibal wrote: »

I would feel happy if the woman offers to pay half the bill although I would probably offer to pay the full bill anyway on a first date. I once went out with this girl who took me to what turned out to be a very expensive restUrant that we walked miles to get to. She did not offer to pay for either pre-dinner drinks or the meal itself. The gemtleman in me did not demur and I stumped up in full (somewhere nearabouts £100, and quote a few years ago). We went out again, and again she did not offer to pay. The following time when she called me for a date, I told her I was not interested in pursuing it further. A part of me wanted to retort that I couldn't afford to go on another date with her --my tastes are far more modest and if I had my way I would not go to the kinds of places she had insisted on--but again the gentleman in me kicked in.

There has been lots of talk by what I will assume are militant feminist types for whom nothing could be simpler than the man paying the bill, no questions, because he asked the girl out. While that is a perfectly valid opinion, what amuses and irks me in equal measure is the 'simples, end of' argument that such arguments are so conclusively ended with. In my opinion that says a lot more about their hardened intolerant attitudes than anything else.

Actually, a 'militant feminist type' would be far more likely to insist on paying for herself, and possibly for you too.

An ordinary feminist (or, 'normal person who believes in equality') would normally expect to pay their way but would probably also get the point which you appear to miss, which is that where person A invites person B out, Person A is acting as host.

Speaking as a feminist, I would generally view a first date as a mutual agreement to meet up and would assume that we would each pay our own share. However, if I invite a man out, then as I am the host, I will expect to pay for him, (but will be willing to allow him to pay his half if he offers). If he invites me out, then I will offer to pay my share, but will not push it if he refuses, and will allow him to pay for me if he wishes, as he is my host.
And exactly the same would apply if I were to invite, or to be invited by, another woman.

TBagpuss

Izadora wrote: »

I'm hoping that's a typo!!!

yes. will correct it!

Person_one

ERICS_MUM wrote: »

When (if !) I'm asked out, I assume we will split the bill. If the man insists on paying in full then I accept graciously, no point making a deal of it. I have been known to pay the whole bill.

Modern woman in action !!!

You ask, you pay.

Nothing to do with being a 'modern woman'. This rule also applies to same sex dating and to certain friendship situations.

Once again though, I fail to see any sort of 'moral dilemma' in the OP and am starting to wonder if the forum team actually know what either of those words mean...

ERICS_MUM

Person_one wrote: »

You ask, you pay.

Nothing to do with being a 'modern woman'. This rule also applies to same sex dating and to certain friendship situations.

Once again though, I fail to see any sort of 'moral dilemma' in the OP and am starting to wonder if the forum team actually know what either of those words mean...

I stick by what I said, except I might be an old-fashioned woman or even a futuristic woman !

seven-day-weekend

I haven't been out on a first date for 45 years and things were a bit different then.

I think I would probably go to the reception/bar and pay my half, then say thankyou politely to my date and leave. I would not want to feel in any way beholden.

System

Being MSE you could always let her pay half and you pull out some coupons to cover your half and then promote the moneysaving lifestyle you swear by. She's bound to fall for you with that move :money:

pollypenny

johnsm wrote: »

I agree.

Funny that it's presumed the man should pay by default just because he asked her out. If you got asked to take part in an activity with friends, you wouldn't assume that they're paying for it.

However, as a man myself, I would also insist on paying it - all but the offer of splitting would be appreciated.

If I bump into someone in town and suggest we go for a coffee, I insist on paying as I did the inviting.

She was correct to offer, the guy was correct to refuse. Courtesy on both sides. No dilemma.

Fujiko

There are times, and this is one of them, when I am glad I no longer have to cope with the dilemma of whether a bill should be split or not!

When I was young - many years ago! - there was no problem, if a man asked you out he paid and I think the men I went out with would have been mortally offended if I had offered any contribution. Of course, in all fairness, in those days women were generally earning quite a lot less than men so there really was no problem. Men were men and women were women and we each knew the convention.

If I invited a woman friend to meet up for coffee or even a meal, as I had made the invitation I would certainly not expect her to pay other than perhaps a drink before or after the meal.

Georgiegirl256

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Why would it be awkward? They invited you so expect to pay.

It would be awkward if say you got to the end of the night, and your date/friend/colleague etc who had asked you out for a meal then asked for your share of the bill. So then, you're left with two options, either pay it, or create a scene in the restuarant by refusing to pay it.

I think it's very presumptuous for anyone just to assume that because they have been asked out for a meal, that the asker will be the one who pays the full bill, and I think that a person should always offer to pay their way.

Could just be because I have never known it to be the case. Growing up when my Mam & Dad went out with their friends, everyone just paid their own way, and the same happens now. Do people really automatically assume because someone has asked them out for a meal then they will be paying for them?

Torry_Quine

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

It would be awkward if say you got to the end of the night, and your date/friend/colleague etc who had asked you out for a meal then asked for your share of the bill. So then, you're left with two options, either pay it, or create a scene in the restuarant by refusing to pay it.

I think it's very presumptuous for anyone just to assume that because they have been asked out for a meal, that the asker will be the one who pays the full bill, and I think that a person should always offer to pay their way.

Could just be because I have never known it to be the case. Growing up when my Mam & Dad went out with their friends, everyone just paid their own way, and the same happens now. Do people really automatically assume because someone has asked them out for a meal then they will be paying for them?

. If someone had asked me for my share they would have a surprise as I probably wouldn't have sufficient money with me. I wouldnt make a scene though.

Your parents going out with friends is not the same as a date though.