Money Moral Dilemma: Should I let my date pay when I'm not keen?

happyinflorida

People's answers here are proving very interesting!

It would be more interesting to see the ages of people who have answered too!

I was brought up to always offer to pay half - my mum said "that way he won't be expecting more you know what if you offer to pay half" - so I did! lol

Maybe I was stupid - I know a lot of my friends would happily let a man pay for everything.

One thing I would say to the person asking this question is this - you say you're not interested in seeing him again, is that because you don't fancy him or because he is everything you don't like in a man? If it is a man we're talking about here??!!

I say this because maybe you could go out as friends instead and then you could pay next time?

I did this once with one man who I met on a blind date and there was no physical attraction for me at all but he was a nice person and I gently told him when he rang again for another date that I didn't want to go out on a date but I suggested, if he was interested, to go out for a drink again as friends and he said he was sad I wasn't interested but would very much like to stay friends. We went out as friends for quite a long time and both enjoyed each others company. So that's another idea. Next time you could pay and do it that way as friends but not if you can't stand him!!

If someone wants to pay for you and insists on paying the whole bill, I don't think it's wrong of you to accept as you have offered to pay half. If they have insisted on paying because they think it's the right thing to do because they want to go out with you, then my option is another way round the dilemma of his having paid when he's hopeful of more!

At least he gets to see you a bit more and enjoy your company and you can pay next time.

tenuissent

When newly single in my forties/fifties I was pursued quite persistently by a fairly well-known writer, with many friends in common. I found him personally most unattractive, but he would not take no for an answer, and because he was entertaining company I would join him for a meal or party occasionally. I always insisted on paying my share as he was the type who would expect something in return if he had shelled out a lot of money. I admired his work (indeed, he dedicated two of his major books to me during this period), and did not want to upset him by being too brutally frank about finding him unattractive. He regularly spoke of marriage, but I did make it clear that this would not happen. It was a long and complicated period (10 years?) during which I was careful never to be in his debt. Fortunately it came to an end when he found a more enthusiastic fan of his books, and I married my present husband.

So it is not always quite as simple as some on this thread suggest.

lutzi1

You offered to pay, he insisted on paying, so no problem.

I think a lot of men still like to be a gentleman and pay for a first date. If things continued to a second date, then I'd expect to pay half, but I think it's fine for a first date.

gaving7095

You offered to split the bill, he refused, that's great and there's no dilemma.

johnsm

gaving7095 wrote: »

You offered to split the bill, he refused, that's great and there's no dilemma.

I agree.

Funny that it's presumed the man should pay by default just because he asked her out. If you got asked to take part in an activity with friends, you wouldn't assume that they're paying for it.

However, as a man myself, I would also insist on paying it - all but the offer of splitting would be appreciated.

Torry_Quine

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Exactly! If a man had asked ME out, no way would I offer to pay. If a man asks a woman on a date (as with the dilemma; ) he pays. Simples. Whether it went well or not.

If the date went badly and I didn't want to see him again, I would still not pay. Just because I wasn't going to see him again, that certainly doesn't mean I owe him anything. So I would not offer

'Pride' and 'equality' and other feminist ramblings are irrelevant. He asked me out, he pays. End of.

That's how I look at it. The sex of the person asking is irrelevant

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

I would find that to be incredibly rude sorry, and it could lead to an extremely awkward evening.

Why would it be awkward? They invited you so expect to pay.

stmartinsdiver

cadon wrote: »

I would expect him to pay, but I would offer to pay half.

If it was a bad date, I would insist on paying my half, because I wouldn't see him again and I wouldn't therefore reciprocate with paying for a meal on another occasion.

If it was a good date, I would expect my offer of paying half to be rejected, but I wouldn't hold it against him if he accepted and I had to chip in. As a general rule, no matter what's expected or agreed, I would never go anywhere or do anything that I couldn't pay for myself. Being able to pay your own way is an exit plan - I would feel rude walking out of a bad situation without first throwing down my share of the cost. And I don't ever want to feel trapped in a bad situation.

If it was a good date and he rejected my offer of paying half, I would pay in full the next time. I quite like that scenario, because if he pays for one meal, really to be fair I have to pay for another to even it out, so we're mutually agreeing there's going to be another date.

Perfectly put - I agree with Cadon 100%

Saibal

I would feel happy if the woman offers to pay half the bill although I would probably offer to pay the full bill anyway on a first date. I once went out with this girl who took me to what turned out to be a very expensive restUrant that we walked miles to get to. She did not offer to pay for either pre-dinner drinks or the meal itself. The gemtleman in me did not demur and I stumped up in full (somewhere nearabouts £100, and quote a few years ago). We went out again, and again she did not offer to pay. The following time when she called me for a date, I told her I was not interested in pursuing it further. A part of me wanted to retort that I couldn't afford to go on another date with her --my tastes are far more modest and if I had my way I would not go to the kinds of places she had insisted on--but again the gentleman in me kicked in.

There has been lots of talk by what I will assume are militant feminist types for whom nothing could be simpler than the man paying the bill, no questions, because he asked the girl out. While that is a perfectly valid opinion, what amuses and irks me in equal measure is the 'simples, end of' argument that such arguments are so conclusively ended with. In my opinion that says a lot more about their hardened intolerant attitudes than anything else.

TBagpuss

Horrorhiker wrote: »

This is the have your cake and eat it mentaility of modern feminists.
Basically, I would open a door for anyone, not just ladies, and likewise I would sometimes offer to pay the bill, but would probably expect the other person to pay it next time, if there was one.
I look forwatd to the time when equality means equality and would never in a million years ask out someone who had the attitude of fierystormcloud, anyway, as I dont see a huge sense of entitlement as attractive.

Nonsense.

It's actually a long-standing rule of hosting that if you invite someone somewhere, you are the host and therefore the default is that the other person is your guest and you pay. it's not about feminism, modern or otherwise, and there is no sense of entitlment in expecting your host to act as a host, regardless of gender.

So, if he invited her, the default would be that he was paying, if she invited him, the default would be that she is paying.

Since dates and other gatherigns are often by mutual agreement, not a formal invitation, then it is common (and prudent) to plan to pay your own way.

If you invite someone but are acting as organiserrather than host then it is courteous to make that clear at the outset.

in this case, OP offered to split the bill and their date declined. So, not rude to force the issue.

Going on a date, whoever pays, does not imply anything further so whether or not you are planning to go ofrward with any later date

Izadora

TBagpuss wrote: »

So, if he invited her, the default would be that he was paying, if she invited him, the default would be that he is paying.

I'm hoping that's a typo!!!