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Options for family member who cannot budget
Comments
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She is making it his business by coming to him to bail her out time after time! As stated in an earlier post, she does not use a computer so if she is gambling it isn't online. Where the money is going is unclear.
It sounds like her own mother (the 'nanny' mentioned in the OP) took care of her finances for her when she was alive, and since she passed away, she now wants her child/ren to do it.
Putting it the other way round, lots of young adults repeatedly get their parents to bail them out. Are you seriously suggesting that this gives the parents the right to take over control of their finances, check their bank records or even to give them an allowance as has been suggested on here?0 -
missbiggles1 wrote: »Putting it the other way round, lots of young adults repeatedly get their parents to bail them out. Are you seriously suggesting that this gives the parents the right to take over control of their finances, check their bank records or even to give them an allowance as has been suggested on here?
Why not? We seem to infantilise older women as much as young adults.
This person isn't even out of her fifties and she's being talked about like a little old dear. Leave her to it, she's an adult of sound mind, but if she ever asks for the kind of help you're prepared to give then give it.0 -
missbiggles1 wrote: »Why do you think he has the right to do this?
Because she's asking him to help. I presume he'd have to ask her in order to see the statements so he wouldn't be doing it behind her back.Mortgage when started: £330,995
“Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.” Arthur C. Clarke0 -
You and your wife need to agree on how you want to proceed from here in terms of how much time, effort and actual money you're prepared to devote to your mum's issues. Having a baby is stressful enough without In Law complications too.
Perhaps you can "sign off" on the problem by having a final sit down with your mum and her paperwork, checking that all bills are set up for Direct Debit so she doesn't forget to pay them and showing her the weekly amount she can spend from her income after bills.
For peace of mind it might be worth getting to the bottom of where all this cash is disappearing. If she isn't online and the house isn't full of obvious stuff (clothes, shoes, designer tat etc) then you really need to be sure that gambling isn't the issue. If it is, she's almost certainly going to end up losing the house.They are an EYESORES!!!!0 -
Possibly she's giving to a lot of charities, answering tear-jerking adverts etc?[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Æ[/FONT]r ic wisdom funde, [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]æ[/FONT]r wear[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]ð[/FONT] ic eald.
Before I found wisdom, I became old.0 -
margaretclare wrote: »Possibly she's giving to a lot of charities, answering tear-jerking adverts etc?
That was my thought. My Nan was terrible for this. Also shopping channels...
HBS x"I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."
"It's easy to know what you're against, quite another to know what you're for."
#Bremainer0 -
margaretclare wrote: »Possibly she's giving to a lot of charities, answering tear-jerking adverts etc?heartbreak_star wrote: »That was my thought. My Nan was terrible for this. Also shopping channels...
HBS x
Wouldn't giving money to tear-jerking adverts or buying from shopping channels leave a trace on her account (unless she's stufffing cash into envelopes)?
The OP has had access to her bank accounts, she appears to be ust withdrawing cash.What do I do? Her income is greater than her outgoings as she has no mortgage, car, debt (I can see her credit report now - with her permission on Noddle) or vices. She just simply cannot budget. She draws out cash all the time and it just gets used on "stuff".0 -
This sounds like some family members I have. I would rather not say their relationship to me due to identification reasons. They plead poverty and barely seem to have 2 pennies to rub together, but you can never work out what they spend their money on. They don't even shop in mainstream supermarkets, keeping to markets and the cheaper discount stores and it's definitely not going on holidays, cars new clothes or decorating their house. I have put it down to them both being chain smokers and that the majority of their money must go in tobacco...but I don't actually know.
If your Mum wants you to help then she's going to have to be honest about her SOA. If she sort outside help, then they'd want to know the truth about her income and outgoings.0 -
She suffers with anxiety and the fear that the family are going to abandon her, which is ironic given we've done nothing but bail her out. Bloody tempting sometimes though - that's a joke.
I think this might be the nub of the problem. To be honest, even before the OP posted this statement I thought that this lady might be feeling lonely and spending money for comfort. Then the attention she gets when she is in difficulties just reinforces the behaviour. It may be that she is spending the cash for the brief "high" that it brings (possibly for the first time in her life if previously others have controlled the finances).
OP - without saying that you have not been attentive to her, is there a way that you could give more company and reassurance to her re her anxieties. It seems as if the financial problems are the main connection between you. Can you take a step back from that part of her life (if asked, just reply "Well Mum, you have been given advice before which you chose not to take so let's talk about something else"... or words to that effect) and try to engage her in other pursuits rather than shopping. With a new baby expected in the family that would be a great place to start. Try asking about when you were born and open up the communication that way.0 -
OP, can you actually afford to keep bailing your mum out? Is your partner supportive of this?
It's hard enough to pay the bills and manage to save with kids without having to financially support a parent who refuses to help themselves.
This may sound harsh but this would be my stance (and has been in the past on issues like this):
We will be spend as much time supporting and advising as needed. We will be there for moral support but we will NOT provide financial support unless in the most extreme of circumstances. We (my husband and I) work hard in jobs we don't always enjoy to achieve financial stability for our family of four. Money given to someone else is money we can't save for our retirement/our children's future etc.
As a for instance, we have family that live a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget. They won't change and I will be damned if I am going to give them £200 of my hard earned money when they plead poverty to find they have gone out for a restaurant meal the week after. Something we rarely do ourselves!
I would be tempted to sit down with your mum one last time to set a budget/offer help. The moral support does not have to stop but I wouldn't take physical control of her finances, she has to want to do this herself. But I would make it clear that the bank of son has now closed as your immediate financially responsibilities are to your children and partner.0
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