Options for family member who cannot budget

Rev

t0mbop wrote: »

She suffers with anxiety and the fear that the family are going to abandon her, which is ironic given we've done nothing but bail her out. Bloody tempting sometimes though - that's a joke.

To be perfectly honest I don't think me and my wife have the time to take on her finances, not I work 60+ hours a week and the wife is about to drop and go on maternity so probably not we need now.

Just to summarize she has no debt, no credit cards - the bank gave her one and I insisted she cut it up and close the account as I could see where that one would end. There are no charges on the house so I'm not worried about that. She did have over £1500 of Provident loans, at God knows what APR, which I paid off for her with the last remaining money from her inheritance. Don't ask why she sought to take out loans when she had inheritance left at the time, she's batshit.

I do begin to wonder whether she's losing it. Thanks for all the support so far. If she hadn't been a pain in the !!!! with this sort of thing for year I'd have said it's the onset of an illness but this has been a problem for decades. In response to an earlier question her bailiff and debt collector letters I found were all related to Council Tax.

Rev - when you say "Take over" what arrangement was this. Was it formal? What did you have to do? I think I'll see if I can get her overdraft removed with her and go from there! Oh what fun.

No nothing formal. I was my mums carer so I basically just sat her down with all the bills went through them with her and told her which I'd be sorting from there on and which she would do.


I called those where I'd need to pass security and asked them to add myself with my mothers permission etc.


I then made her a note book listing who accounts were held by. How they were paid etc etc. What dates things were paid on etc etc.


So if she forgot she could check at any time. And if she wasn't sure she could obviously ask me.


As I said though that was more because she was forgetful due to illness and because she was being ripped off (she was paying Halifax £800 for house insurance for instance - she'd been with them as long as she could remember and had just accepted the premium rise each year).


She had got into a state with her bank too with the overdraft and late payment fees so I switched her to an account with no overdraft.


But as I said. It wasn't due to her being terrible or wasteful with money. She was just a little out of touch as I imagine a lot of the older generation are and I managed to save her quite a bit of money.


Harsh as it sounds had she been wasteful and forever fending of debt collectors and bailiffs I would have just let her get on with it and learn the hard way.

Tygermoth

I too have this mother.

However mine is a little different - I have a very fine line to tread as she is dying to hand all her responsibilities off to someone. She never wanted to be on her own or look after herself she just wants someone to take over so she can just float about care free.

She has tried really really hard to make that person me and i am having none of it. Once she abdicates all responsibility she will just become a millstone (i love my mum, but she has a narcissistic personality disorder and BPD shopping, gambling and drinking habits out of control)

currently i grind my teeth during calls where she 'just bought a new sofa or redid the living room, spent £100 on a glass back splash etc' - this is a brand new house that needs nothing doing as she had it refurbished several months ago! she to just got 30K and i know shes blown most of it. I cant say anything because she just wants someone to swoop in and save her, treat her like a princess in a tower - pay all her bills while pandering to her and demanding nothing from her at all.

Even her mental health team warn against any intervention (she tried to wheedle them into being responsible for her, calling all hours telling them she was suicidal as she just wanted errands run - but they are much better at limiting this behavior)

Shes a ticking time bomb and the stress of waiting for it to explode is quite telling on our family.

Pollycat

avogadro wrote: »

£65k is a lot of money to get through in three years, if she doesn't know what it's been spent on.

I assume from your post that she is a healthy, compus mentis lady in her 50s/60s who is just not that good with money? Can you direct her to this website? It might inspire her a bit :money:

Sorry I can't advise re. the power of attorney.

It certainly is - let's put it into perspective:
it works out at over £80.00 per day every day for 3 years!

This is not a case of 'can't budget'.

barbarawright wrote: »

To be honest it doesn't sound that implausible to me. If she's a part-time dinner lady, her total income including the inheritance may only be c£30,000 pa. Not bad at all but easy to go through if you're generous with your friends on evenings out, go on holiday a few times a year and buy new clothes and household things regularly

£30k pa works out at £2,500 per month. :eek:

The OP doesn't say that his Mum is off on holiday every couple of months, out to lunch etc.

I think the OP's Mum is not being honest about where her money is going.

I would be concerned - given her history of spending money like water - that she will remortgage the currently mortgage-free house.

t0mbop wrote: »

If I get angry with her she cries and goes defensive, if I try and talk to her calmly she makes all the right noises then within a week she's drawing out money like it's going out of fashion. I like to think she's not manipulative as she's my Mum and appears very vulnerable, but she sure seems that way sometimes.

I think she comes across as very manipulative and if it were my Mum I wouldn't deal with her problems unless she was truthful about where all this money has gone.

goodwithsaving

I can see it's hard to stand back but, she's had more of her life than you have and you need to look after yourself and your family. If she has little will to get out of the situation, I'm afraid you can't help. Whatever you do, do not take out any agreements in her name, or loans etc. regardless of how desperate things become.

Jagraf

My MIL is in her 80s and completely on the ball but her husband died a couple of years ago and she has only ever dealt in cash. She asks my husband (her son) to get her money out (or transfer it to her cadh account) every week and that is all she spends. She does have a tendency though to be over generous with folk, paying for everyone's lunch / taxis / etc and we have to remind her politely that she should consider reigning it in sometimes.

Does she pay for other people a lot?

Pleaseadvise

I wonder if your mother is buying scratch cards? I work in a newsagent and some customers come in every day for a handful of cards. They scratch them right there in the shop and even if they win, they just buy more! It's a terrible waste of money, and once the cards are thrown away there's no evidence to show what they bought.

wannabe_sybil

You said that she makes all the right noises but carries on. To me that means she doesn't want to change. Unless she wants to change, I suspect it will just be more of the same.

Perhaps if you make sure that no-one else is likely to bail her out, step back and say, 'sorry, mum, but I can't help' to every call then she will have a look at her situation. You could ask her where the money has gone and why she wants to keep spending, ask her to perhaps spend some of her money to get counselling to sort out the root of it. However unless she wants to change then she won't. You can only limit the damage to you and your family.

If your wife is about to have a baby I think she needs more of your attention.

hugs - not an easy situation.

Mojisola

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

You said that she makes all the right noises but carries on. To me that means she doesn't want to change. Unless she wants to change, I suspect it will just be more of the same.

Perhaps if you make sure that no-one else is likely to bail her out, step back and say, 'sorry, mum, but I can't help' to every call then she will have a look at her situation.

You could ask her where the money has gone and why she wants to keep spending, ask her to perhaps spend some of her money to get counselling to sort out the root of it.

However unless she wants to change then she won't.

I would add in "Have you been to Stepchange (or another debt charity) yet? What have they told you to do?"

As others have said, this isn't a situation that you can change - only your mother can do that.

pickledonionspaceraider

you only get dragged in, because you allow yourself to be. she has got you by the short and curlies where emotions are involved and it is hard.

You have two choices, either thoughen up and tell her you will not discuss her financial matters and never to ask you to bail her out, you do not want to know.

Or

Carry on as you are, trying to carry the burdon for something you have no control over = impossible. You really are trying to do an impossible task. she doesnt want to change, doesnt want to work longer hours etc

missbiggles1

LannieDuck wrote: »

Checking her bank statements is a good idea too (although it sounds as if it may just show lots of cash withdrawals).

Why do you think he has the right to do this?