Options for family member who cannot budget

pickledonionspaceraider

Tombop this is NOT your problem and you are far too closely involved in it

some people create a storm then get upset when it rains.

You need to get your priorities mate, as you have a missus and are about to be a Dad yourself. These people need you - don't put them on the back burner time after time whilst picking up after someone else

Your mother sounds less concerned abotu her own problems than you do

barbiedoll

There must be some indication as to where the cash is going. Does she have lots of knick-knacks around the house? Does she hoard food or clothing? (My cousin got into a load of debt from spending all of her money buying charity shop clothes. She had bags and bags full of stuff!) You seem concerned about online gambling sites, does she have a scratchcard addiction? What were the bailiffs round for, credit card debt? Do you have any of her old statements or anything which gives a clue as to what she's spending on?

Unless you and your wife are able to completely take over her finances, giving her a certain amount of cash each week, and taking responsibility for bill-paying and sorting out creditors etc, I can't see what else you can do. It may be worth finding out if there are any charges on her house though, if she is a big spender and can't budget, you don't want any nasty surprises if her house gets sold to pay off her debts. She may end up living with you!

Everyone needs to agree to stop enabling her by "bailing her out". If she has no heating because she can't pay her bill, then maybe she'll learn that bills have to come first. Obviously you can't see her starve but if she asks for cash, buy her food instead (if it comes to that)....do not hand over money. What income does she have apart from her job? Could you take charge of that to ensure that the bills and debts are paid off, even if only slowly?

I do feel for you but please don't let her make you feel guilty. Everyone has to learn to budget sooner or later, some of us do find it harder than others, it can be a harsh lesson to learn. But it's never too late, even for your mum. But you have your own family to think about, she's just going to have to face up to her demons herself.

I wish you luck

nouveaunutrition

Sounds a lot like my mother since my father died.
It's really hard to know what to do, except be there for her when she needs u, and to keep reminding her to check her bank statements regularly so things don't get out of hand.
One other thing that has really helped her (and given us peace of mind) is the helpfulness of Age Concern, and how they can help her get her money back when she gets duped by door-to-door salemen, such as a recent replacement window purchase that almost wiped her savings out for good.

nicter

While I agree she is responsible for her own actions I can also see how difficult it would be for you to stand back and watch her dig herself in deeper and deeper
How about she gives you her card and cheque book and you give her a cash allowance each week ? Direct debits can be set up to pay all other bills

Rev

In all honesty I'd just leave her too it. She won't learn until there is some consequences to her actions and if she's forever being bailed out then she will forever continue to need bailing out.

In answer to your question yes I could see my mother in financial dire straits if this is something she's done over and over then helping her hasn't actually helped her.

It's no different to a parent letting their child learn the hard way.

As long as she has food and heating then leave her too it and instruct all family members to stop helping her.

When she faces consequences to her spending then she will learn.

I took over my mothers finances at quite an early age. Not because she was bad with money and had racked up debts but because she was unaware of haggling and compare sites and was being ripped off my a lot of places. Plus she was unwell and had memory issues so would sometimes forget to pay a bill. Get a late charge then get upset because she's forgotten and got a late charge etc. So I took over, got her better deals and put things on direct debit etc. But it was all explained to her for her to keep on top of etc.


We're she useless and forever racking up debt etc I'd have helped one or twice then just left her too it. But been prepared to step in when she realised and asked for help.

t0mbop

She suffers with anxiety and the fear that the family are going to abandon her, which is ironic given we've done nothing but bail her out. Bloody tempting sometimes though - that's a joke.

To be perfectly honest I don't think me and my wife have the time to take on her finances, not I work 60+ hours a week and the wife is about to drop and go on maternity so probably not we need now.

Just to summarize she has no debt, no credit cards - the bank gave her one and I insisted she cut it up and close the account as I could see where that one would end. There are no charges on the house so I'm not worried about that. She did have over £1500 of Provident loans, at God knows what APR, which I paid off for her with the last remaining money from her inheritance. Don't ask why she sought to take out loans when she had inheritance left at the time, she's batshit.

I do begin to wonder whether she's losing it. Thanks for all the support so far. If she hadn't been a pain in the !!!! with this sort of thing for year I'd have said it's the onset of an illness but this has been a problem for decades. In response to an earlier question her bailiff and debt collector letters I found were all related to Council Tax.

Rev - when you say "Take over" what arrangement was this. Was it formal? What did you have to do? I think I'll see if I can get her overdraft removed with her and go from there! Oh what fun.

gsymoo

I would get her to ask her bank for help.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation. Her bank sat with her, made her budget what she needed, then limited the amount of cash she take each day from a cash machine. All bills were D/D and no credit or debit cards where allowed until she learnt to control her behaviour when it came to spending.

burnoutbabe

I think you at a minimum need to see the bank statements and see if you can work out what has been paid. that should not take more than an hour or so, and can tell where the money has gone.

then you have your next steps.

LannieDuck

Could you do a trial month where you take all her bank cards at the start of the month then do a weekly online shop for her so you know she has enough food, give her sufficient cash for gas/elec and £50(?) per week cash for incidentals... and nothing else.

Either she manages it and proves she's capable of doing so, or she'll come to ask you for money. Then she'd have to tell you what it was for, and maybe you could identify where it's all going...

It's harsh, but it sounds as if she's seeking help so may not be opposed.

missbiggles1

t0mbop wrote: »

She suffers with anxiety and the fear that the family are going to abandon her, which is ironic given we've done nothing but bail her out. Bloody tempting sometimes though - that's a joke.

To be perfectly honest I don't think me and my wife have the time to take on her finances, not I work 60+ hours a week and the wife is about to drop and go on maternity so probably not we need now.

Just to summarize she has no debt, no credit cards - the bank gave her one and I insisted she cut it up and close the account as I could see where that one would end. There are no charges on the house so I'm not worried about that. She did have over £1500 of Provident loans, at God knows what APR, which I paid off for her with the last remaining money from her inheritance. Don't ask why she sought to take out loans when she had inheritance left at the time, she's batshit.

I do begin to wonder whether she's losing it. Thanks for all the support so far. If she hadn't been a pain in the !!!! with this sort of thing for year I'd have said it's the onset of an illness but this has been a problem for decades. In response to an earlier question her bailiff and debt collector letters I found were all related to Council Tax.

Rev - when you say "Take over" what arrangement was this. Was it formal? What did you have to do? I think I'll see if I can get her overdraft removed with her and go from there! Oh what fun.

With the best will in thw world, you had abnsolutely no right to do that.

Although I don't think it's any of your business, could she have a gambling problem - online bingo or similar?