Options for family member who cannot budget

LannieDuck

Checking her bank statements is a good idea too (although it sounds as if it may just show lots of cash withdrawals).

clw1

As you say if you keep bailing her out she'll never learn - blinking difficult to stand by and let her starve / freeze though !

The first thing that jumps out is that she has no idea what she is overspending on - would she do a spending diary and write down everything she buys for a month ? perhaps she is spending on lots of little things which soon add up (eg a coffee and cake might be £4 or so but if it's every day that would be over £100 a month !)

Also does your mum know how much money she has left for day-to-day spending after bills, food etc each month ? if not it might be worth helping her calculate it as I guess it won't be much if she is a part time cleaner.

Could you help her set up 2 or 3 bank accounts - 1st one for her wages to go into & direct debit / standing order bills to go out of, a 2nd for "rainy day" savings and a 3rd for day-to-day cash spending (food, toiletries, luxuries etc). You could set up a regular payment to put money into the 3rd one on a weekly / monthly basis and if she only has a cash card for the 3rd one she couldn't overspend as much.

You have also mentioned that she has a key meter and not direct debits - maybe encourage her to swap to direct debit as if she overspend on "bits" you wouldn't want her to be cold etc and it is prob cheaper overall.

Good luck helping her and good luck with the bump !

System

missbiggles1 wrote: »

With the best will in thw world, you had abnsolutely no right to do that.

Although I don't think it's any of your business, could she have a gambling problem - online bingo or similar?

She is making it his business by coming to him to bail her out time after time! As stated in an earlier post, she does not use a computer so if she is gambling it isn't online. Where the money is going is unclear.

It sounds like her own mother (the 'nanny' mentioned in the OP) took care of her finances for her when she was alive, and since she passed away, she now wants her child/ren to do it.

Turtle

DomRavioli wrote: »

Power of attorney is for someone who does not have the mental capacity to make any decisions - as deemed by either a medical professional or a court of law. It has no relevance to your argument whatsoever, it is usually used for people with either severe mental/physical health problems who cannot make decisions at all, or for those with geriatric illnesses such as dementia. If she is able to work then this will not apply to her.

Perhaps speak to either your local council/jobcentre/CAB and see if there are budgeting courses locally (most places will either have them or be able to tell you where they are run). She may be unable to deal with the maths side of things properly, have you asked about her skills in this area?

And if she's spending out of boredom/habit, suggest volunteering in an area she enjoys. There's a lot of not for profits and charities who would happily take her for a couple of hours a week and hopefully get it under control, as well as setting an example for her.

But you also need to realise that she is her own person - you cannot force or coerce her into behaving in a way you may think right. You also have to let her deal with the consequences of her actions - by "bailing her out" you are reinforcing the negative behaviour. The only one who can change it is her, you can help her but you cannot do it for her (that seems to come across in your post).

Even direct her here. We're a friendly bunch (for the most part), and if she can't or doesn't know how to do something we will always try and help.

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

Power of attorney is for someone who cannot manage their finances due to mental or physical incapacity. I cannot see it being relevant for your situation. She would have to hand over all control of her bank accounts and credit cards leaving her with no access to money beyond what you give her in cash. I would not advise you getting involved. To go through that amount of money some sort of shopping, gambling addiction may be a possibility. If she has never learnt to budget and needed help in the past I cannot see her changing. I think there must be some secret vice you are unaware of and beyond suggesting she make a note of everything she spends I cannot see a solution.

These posts in bold aren't correct. You can assign an ordinary Power of Attorney for any reason you wish, my MIL was one for her son when they went to live abroad for a couple of years.

Mojisola

t0mbop wrote: »

My Nanny left her £65k inheritance in 2013 which has been spent, apparently on "bits".

How can you spend so much money in a few years with nothing to show for it?

quidsy

Can you get her to hand over control of her internet banking and just transfer a set amount to a non over draft basic account weekly?
It would force her to stick to a budget and if she doesn't, she waits till the following week for money

pickledonionspaceraider

t0mbop wrote: »

She suffers with anxiety and the fear that the family are going to abandon her, which is ironic given we've done nothing but bail her out. Bloody tempting sometimes though - that's a joke.

To be perfectly honest I don't think me and my wife have the time to take on her finances, not I work 60+ hours a week and the wife is about to drop and go on maternity so probably not we need now.

Just to summarize she has no debt, no credit cards - the bank gave her one and I insisted she cut it up and close the account as I could see where that one would end. There are no charges on the house so I'm not worried about that. She did have over £1500 of Provident loans, at God knows what APR, which I paid off for her with the last remaining money from her inheritance. Don't ask why she sought to take out loans when she had inheritance left at the time, she's batshit.

I do begin to wonder whether she's losing it. Thanks for all the support so far. If she hadn't been a pain in the !!!! with this sort of thing for year I'd have said it's the onset of an illness but this has been a problem for decades. In response to an earlier question her bailiff and debt collector letters I found were all related to Council Tax.

Rev - when you say "Take over" what arrangement was this. Was it formal? What did you have to do? I think I'll see if I can get her overdraft removed with her and go from there! Oh what fun.

I think you are talking about something that is far too intrusive to be honest. You know that your mother has always been like this - its the norm for her. You are going to drive yourself and your wife, crazy over this, whilst your mother continues, as she always has done.

as i said earlier, you are more worried about her life than she is - which makes little sense considering you have a wife, a baby due to be born and say you work 60 hours a week. you really seem so desperate to change someone who WILL NOT CHANGE and be IN CONTROL of a situation you have no right to be in control of

You say she is batshit but that is your opinion. we do not all have to live life by your rules and at 60 years of age she has earned the right to live as she pleases. Just stop bailing her out!! a simple no will suffice she is hardly living on the breadline owning her own property is she

If you were writing this stuff about a 25 year old who would not learn to budget, people would be telling you to let them learn the hard way and back off a bit but you seem insistent on being in control and in doing so, causing needless stress to yourself and your wife at a time when should be the happiest of times having a newborn baby in your lives, not focusing on other peoples problems

you cannot change a person who does not want to change. let it lie as it is going to cause rifts

t0mbop

Well perhaps "insist" was the wrong word, I didn't exactly do it at gunpoint. If you've read the thread and the resulting replies you'd probably realise why I strongly advised such a thing, but thanks.

It also needs to be reiterated that I have no interest in gaining control of her finances, I have enough to deal with as far as my own affairs go. I was enquiring as to whether there's a solution that allows me to be hands off and her to do as little damage as possible. As someone above said, it's being made my business by her constantly coming to me for advise/help/money. I'm apathetic as to how she wishes to live her life as long as it doesn't have a negative effect on myself or anyone else in the family. Once it does, then it's a problem. Outside of this, she can do what she likes and I have no interest in changing the way she lives her life, but as I said, once I'm dragged into it then I believe I have a right to have an interest - if anything I'm the one being intruded upon the way I see it.

Thanks to everyone in the most part for the advice, I'll have a chat with her and see where we go from there.

barbarawright

Mojisola wrote: »

How can you spend so much money in a few years with nothing to show for it?

To be honest it doesn't sound that implausible to me. If she's a part-time dinner lady, her total income including the inheritance may only be c£30,000 pa. Not bad at all but easy to go through if you're generous with your friends on evenings out, go on holiday a few times a year and buy new clothes and household things regularly

Annisele

t0mbop wrote: »

My Nanny left her £65k inheritance in 2013 which has been spent, apparently on "bits".

You clearly realise her spending isn't sustainable, but if she doesn't I don't see how you'll get anywhere. She's been spending a bit more than £20k a year more than she earned. Cutting £20k a year out of your lifestyle would be hard for anyone, and if you don't even think you need to do it it's likely impossible.

Her income is greater than her outgoings as she has no mortgage, car, debt (I can see her credit report now - with her permission on Noddle) or vices. She just simply cannot budget.

Noddle isn't the only credit reference agency, so it's just about possible she has debt elsewhere. But assuming she doesn't - things don't sound that bad. She's spent her inheritance, it's run out, and now she needs to cut her cloth accordingly. But she's not in any debt, and she can comfortably afford to live.

I don't see a huge problem there. Spending money until it runs out isn't an entirely irrational approach to life (though not one I'd recommend!). What would happen if you did nothing? Would that force her to live within her means?