Need some advice re daughter and current situation: UPDATE

teabag29

Just had a call again, its the targeted youth support. They are accommodating her under section 20 for the weekend for some respite and to let her clear her head. They on the way here now to get me to sign it and pick up a few things for her....but what then?

elsien

Have you had an assessment under the Care Act of your own needs both around her your health and your other children? If not, in your place I'd be saying you can't have her back unless this is done and you are able to see what support they will offer and whether it is manageable for you. The offer of a support worker dropping by may well be a quick call for 10 minutes. Is that in any way adequate for either of you?

If the hospital want her off the ward by 5pm that's social services responsibility to sort, not yours.
And don't worry about money etc at this point - you're getting a bit ahead of yourself and need to wait to see what's on offer on Monday once people have stopped flapping because it's the weekend. One step at a time.

pigpen

teabag29 wrote: »

Yes but how if the authorities are telling me I have no choice to have her home or be prosecuted for abandonment?

you won't be.. she is over 16 and can legally live alone .. they are just trying to scare you.. has anyone acually said this since she turned 16 or was it all before?

just keep saying no.. you have a duty to protect your younger moe vulnerable children. They can't force you to have her back.

teabag29

UPDATE: Ok update, so her case is currently with targeted youth support team. The lady who came out for me to sign over the paperwork was very nice. Apparently this time my daughter is accusing me of beating her up in the bath amongst other less serious things, if i wasn't so disappointed and upset i'd probably find this funny, firstly seen as i struggle to get in the bath myself without help due to the ms and certainly wouldnt have the strength to tackle my daughter who is bigger and stronger than me and secondly because i cant remember the last time she had a bath, she point blank refuses to keep clean (bathing, brushing her hair, teeth, wiping herself after the toilet, changing her underwear etc). It may or may not be passed onto the safe guarding team to investigate but given her history of making allegations up about me and various professionals hopefully they will see she is lying again, nevertheless the worry is still there. It seems as soon as she doesn't get her own way she can play the abuse card, I have to suffer people thinking im a criminal until its investigated and then its all about the support she needs and what we can all do to help her. Well i've had enough of it, she has abused me for 17 long years and not one social worker has been worried about that, real abuse not made up rubbish to get my own way, abuse to my other kids and violence towards me and sometimes them. Im not taking it anymore. i love her but I love my other children to and I cant help her anymore, its their time now. I told her I do not want my daughter home even with the support, she has had it all before and it never made a difference then and highly unlikely to now shes older and within a month I ill be getting accused of something else again and worrying that someone may believe it.
They are putting her in a unit over the weekend (maximum of 4 people in there) which is staffed and cctv monitored (alarms on doors etc) and will decide if she needs assessing with psycologists etc over the weekend, if she does they will keep her there 28 days where she will see various professionals and try work out a plan as to why she keeps lying about people and doing the silly things shes doing and what support she will need.....with a view to her coming home with support in place. If that cant happen (because she still refuses or i do) then they have to look at what else they can offer more long term. Im not sure what she said at that point my mind was wondering thinking about the allegations she had made.

Feeling heart broken, I miss her already, upset at how she could do this to me again and worried about her to all at the same time. Does anybody know what they will do with her after this placement bearing in mind shes 17 now, will it be a foster carer or youth hostel or something else and also how long do they have a duty to help her for, is it until shes 18 or 21?

They said she will have a social worker now and they have to have a meeting every Wednesday for updates. I gave her a brief history of my daughter in the limited time we had. I assume this means more meetings every week with social workers and support workers etc... i suffer quite badly with anxiety and really hate talking to strangers face to face and when my condition is bad most days im unable to dress so stay in my pjs, seems a silly thing to be worrying about at this stage but really dont want to be having meetings every week and people at my house for hours on end and appointment after appointment although i do want to help my daughter so I guess I will have to do what is needed.
Thankyou to everyone that has commented for the advice so far x

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

My Housemate still got help after the age of 21 when she wanted to go onto post-grad study. She didn't get a foster care placement until she was 16. Other kids I know through work who had foster carers before that age were given a choice of moving into supported housing, independent housing with support or staying with their foster carers.

You do NOT have to take her back. The system is there to support her outside your home, she will not suffer because you need to protect yourself and your children from her.

But your OH should be coming straight back from wherever he is, as you need to be supported by him to stand your ground over the weekend, next Monday, next Friday and any other time they try to get her back in - they have to ask each time, as the Housing Department could easily refuse to help if there is no evidence that you have refused to have her back - the council are also likely to contact you to ask you directly to take her back (and will probably tell you that there isn't anywhere for anyone her age, but that's not true).

After all, if you are persuaded to go through this for another 18 months, she'll be an adult and it'll be a whole lot harder for her to get safe accommodation and support without getting pregnant.

If she's that determined to get housed she'll say horrible things about you and has so little common sense, pregnancy to get a house, even though that's not a free pass to anything housing related anymore, will probably seem like a good idea for getting her way. Then that's a very unfortunate unborn child that could easily be harmed from her lifestyle (would probably be taken into care at birth and adopted).

I don't particularly want to scare you, but if this is tough now and you're wavering, how hard do you think it would be to deal with things with her pregnant, still violent, not taking care of herself, maybe even seeing her do things that harm it whilst in utero, then having her come back into your home postnatally, hormonal but without a baby? (Or trying to protect a newborn from her rages because it won't stop crying and is 'placing demands' upon her by the simple virtue of being a baby?).

Get that partner of yours back to support you. His place should be with you and backing your decisions.

teabag29

Thanks. Hes not gone yet he leaves tomorrow only for the night, it was my sons xmas present, hes taking him to Birmingham to see the wwe wrestling tour and i dont want my son missing out again because of her, sha has already ruined his birthday last month. My daughter has been told she is highly unlikely to get pregnant, or atleast without assistance, probably for the best right now as this was her next plan. She has only ever had 2 very short periods and after investigation they can only find one ovary, her hormone levels are very low and womb lining very thin so for now that's not something I need to worry about.
Where will she be accommodated in the long term, will it be in the same town as we live or could it be miles away?

elsien

teabag29 wrote: »

Where will she be accommodated in the long term, will it be in the same town as we live or could it be miles away?

What happens next will depend on the outcomes of the assessments. If she is judged able to make her own decisions about future accommodation then it is her choice to make, depending on the options realistically available to her.
If she is judged not to have that capacity and doesn't fall under the remit of the Mental Health Act (which they previously ruled out, unless things change) then any decisions will be best interests ones on her behalf and family should be involved in those decisions unless there's a very good reason why not. It should be close to he familiar places and family if at all possible. Out of county places would only be looked at as a last resort for people whose needs are so great there's nowhere local suitable. From what you've said, even with all your daughter's needs she doesn't fall into that category.
But at the moment you need to let the assessments carry on.

teabag29

What exactly is supported living? would she be allowed to come and go as she pleases or would there be time curfews (she would never stick to them). She isnt safe looking after herself, she isnt able to cook safely for herself or clean and has no sense of danger so how could they put her in supported living, my understanding of that is where you have your own flat but with staff at the desk and buzzer entry that sort of thing?

elsien

No, supported living is people sharing a house or living in their own flat with staff to support with daily living tasks as needed. The level of support matches the person/set up.
Some people might only need a few hours a week to help with bills etc, others need 24 hour support and have staff sleeping in. Whether people can come or go as they please again depends on their needs, and their ability to weigh up the risks etc. Some do, some don't.

teabag29

Are you allowed to bring people back to stop overnight with supported living? or go out and stop at friends houses and not return for a few days? my daughter basically wants her freedom to hang around with older lads and dabble in drugs/sex and whatever else they want her to do to impress them. With supported living would she be allowed to invite people back or would they keep her safe from this? also if they wouldn't let her do that and she disappeared herself to stop with them and didn't come back for days on end could they do anything? what im getting at is can they keep her safe from outside influences with her naivity or is she pretty much free to do what she wants and theres n ot much they can do