Need some advice re daughter and current situation: UPDATE

theoretica

teabag29 wrote: »

Yes but how if the authorities are telling me I have no choice to have her home or be prosecuted for abandonment?

This is clearly not true or every parent who gives a child up for adoption would be prosecuted.

As has been said, you have a duty to your other children, to your own health, and to your other children through your health.

teabag29

Thankyou. I have read a few things online and there doesnt seem to be much about children between 16-18, they are allowed to leave but as a parent your duty is to feed, clothe and accomodate them or you can be charged with neglect. But surely its not neglect if im protecting my other children and my health, its more neglect on them by letting her stay, besides is shes refusing to come home then they cant force her anyway. Also regarding her allegations which im not sure what they even are at present but I can imagine they are pretty bad (shes accused me of just about everything she can so far) how do i prove shes lying, if she thinks it will get her a house she will put on a good act, i kid you not this child is very good at putting on an act, so much so they used her pda assessment video to do talks around the country on pda as she was the strongest case they'd come across, she can really come across as polite and lovely and turn on the waterworks and i can see how she could easily believed, especially given that my son did lose his temper on that 1 occasion and hit her. They have it on record (well where i used to live) that she has lied about a lot of people in the past and made accusations up and it doesnt take a genius to see that im not really capable of physical abuse due to my condition, its her that abuses me but I still worry incase they do believe her because my other children could be at risk then. I just wish she'd stop and think about the damage shes doing, seems like its all about giving her support and what she needs and she can through accusations around while i sit here worried but there is no support for me or my younger siblings who have done right by her. Sounds harsh i know but Ive had enough of what she needs, what she wants, what support to try for her this time. I love her and that will never change but by other kids need me too and i need my health. At the moment I feel like im being treated as a criminal under investigation and the one in the wrong when i've done nothing but try my best with her. Really hope she keeps refusing to come back so they have no choice but to help her, it will be hard for her but its the only way she'll learn

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

She wants to leave. You want her to leave. There is no issue - a Social Worker will not pick her up, sling her over his shoulder and hurl her through the doorway, saying 'your job'. Nor will they be able to prosecute you for agreeing to her exercising her rights to leave.

System

I've read your previous thread about your daughter and i'm sorry things have deterioted so badly

As things are now, you need to out your health and wellbeing first (as you need to be look after your other children) and you need to think of the other children too, if she's being violent and abusive towards them this is unacceptable.

You have done everything you can possibly do. If she's so intent of having her independence (though i agree she'd be better off in supported living) then i think thats what needs to happen. It might be a lightbulb moment for her that she needs right now. I understand its terrifying for you, but you can't go on as you are.

Morglin

Theoretically, parents can be prosecuted for child abandonment of a minor - but it wouldn't happen around a 17 year old, who is a danger to the younger children.

First of all, contact the Team Manager of whatever social work team is in involved with your daughter, and explain the safeguarding issues around the younger children. The workers at the mental health unit should also be involved in this.

As you have disabilities, and are a carer as well, contact the Adult Disability Team at your council, and ask for an assessment for you and some help with situation.

Meanwhile, stand firm and let them take responsibility for her, because they have a legal duty of care until she is 18.

Lin

onomatopoeia99

teabag29 wrote: »

I should also add she has been violent to me, not often but perhaps 3-4 times over the past 9 months the last being in january/feb time when she pushed me off the sofa because i was trying to tickle her to bring her out of a mood she was in (laughter always helps her come round).

Really don't do that. If she was seven, maybe, but at 17? Whatever the law says, she's not a child and is entitled to a bit of bodily autonomy and freedom from being interfered with without her consent.

Seventeen year old me wouldn't have pushed back, but would have got up and left and my mood would have got much worse in the same situation.

teabag29

I perhaps didnt explain myself well, it wasnt a full on tickle (i havent the strength for that lol) i was telling her jokes trying to make her laugh which was working at first then i started to do round and round the garden on her hand (I know this seems childish but she is mentally a lot younger and this often makes her laugh as it tickles) and she just exploded and chucked me onto the floor.

Social services have finally rang me to say they will be reinforcing it to her that she wont be getting a place of her own or accomodation and she needs to return home etc once shes been assessed with support (e.g. autism groups). i explained im concerned about the safety of my other kids aswell as my health which is being affected and they and i need support. She was adament that my daughter will have to return home.

I rang the free child law advice line who said that they have a duty to accomdate her under section 20 of the family act and if they refuse i can call for an advocate to represent her and they have a duty to give her a needs assessment which can take up to 13 weeks (before accomodating her)...it all takes time and in the meantime I have to accomodate her if they refuse to do it today even if it means putting my other kids at risk and my health. If i end up in hospital again then that will be 5 children needing looking after.

So assuming i still refuse even though id be breaking the law, would they really go as far to arrest me given the circumstances that im trying to protect my other children and myself?

thorsoak

teabag29 wrote: »

I perhaps didnt explain myself well, it wasnt a full on tickle (i havent the strength for that lol) i was telling her jokes trying to make her laugh which was working at first then i started to do round and round the garden on her hand (I know this seems childish but she is mentally a lot younger and this often makes her laugh as it tickles) and she just exploded and chucked me onto the floor.

Social services have finally rang me to say they will be reinforcing it to her that she wont be getting a place of her own or accomodation and she needs to return home etc once shes been assessed with support (e.g. autism groups). i explained im concerned about the safety of my other kids aswell as my health which is being affected and they and i need support. She was adament that my daughter will have to return home.

I rang the free child law advice line who said that they have a duty to accomdate her under section 20 of the family act and if they refuse i can call for an advocate to represent her and they have a duty to give her a needs assessment which can take up to 13 weeks (before accomodating her)...it all takes time and in the meantime I have to accomodate her if they refuse to do it today even if it means putting my other kids at risk and my health. If i end up in hospital again then that will be 5 children needing looking after.

So assuming i still refuse even though id be breaking the law, would they really go as far to arrest me given the circumstances that im trying to protect my other children and myself?

No, they will not be arresting you - you quote the fact that they have a duty of care to her, to you and to your younger children.

Stick to your guns.

Igottawii!!

They did not arrest my sister - they tried to make her take her son back home with her, she refused saying her safety and, more importantly, her younger childrens safety was at risk and he could not return home with her (I was with her at the time, I had seen his aggression towards his immediate family & agreed with her)
If you want anything to be done you will HAVE to stand firm & be strong unfortunately.

teabag29

So some part of social services have rang me back (she said she was from the youth something, didn't get the second word) as have the hospital. My daughter has had her assessment and although isn't actively considered a risk (she has no suicide plan) they feel she may try to self harm or take illegal drugs or something silly if forced to return home, she is blaming me for her life and why she hates it. The youth worker is asking if there is any family member which there is not and then asked if they bought her home and got a support worker to drop by this weekend would that be ok.... i said no (my partner and son are away at birmingham this weekend its been booked ages) as i know she will kick off as shes threatened to and i am not strong enough to restrain her with my ms and my other children will be at risk, not to mention my other daughter has threatened to run away if she returns to the house as she can nolonger cope with her bullying. The youth worker is speaking with her manager and getting back to me to see what they can do.

The hospital are saying it isnt a mental health issue its social and shes on the adult ward of AnE and they cant keep her there so something needs doing by 5pm.

The way the youth worker was talking is that even if they can do something for the weekend she will have to come back on monday. Im going to stay firm but its realy affecting my health, my chest hurts so bad and my symptoms are flaring up, im trying to not think about it so my stress doesn't rise but i cant help it, plus as much as her behavior is disappointing me I am worried about her and how she is right now and whats going through her head and why she is putting me through this again knowing how ill I am.

If they do accommodate her how does it work, will i lose parental responsibility then? am i still responsible for feeding, clothing her etc. i dont have a problem with this but I don't want to risk committing fraud my keeping a tax credit or child benefit claim open if im not supposed to. She also gets dla but im her appointee, I only give her a small amount of money each week directly because she is very irresponsible with it and also has an eating obsession, instead she will have it spent on her directly or given vouchers and pays for her clubs and things. Will I need to ring them and stop this claim if shes accommodated or just sign over appointee ship to social services. Finally, has anyone ever been in this position and if so did the child eventually mature and have a healthy relationship with you? Feels very much like she hates me