Need some advice re daughter and current situation: UPDATE

selloptape

How long until she is 18 x

teabag29

She is not 18 until November, another 7 months away. I don't know what is happening im waiting for an update, she was on her way to hospital to have an assessment at 2.50 and the social worker said she'd get back to me (today she said) when she has an update but was talking very much along the lines of chasing up CAMHS and getting her home with support. I tried to tell her I cant take anymore and its setting my ms into relapse and she said to see my doctor and keep on top of it...clearly she doesn't know how it works, if only if were that easy. It was a very quick call so I wasn't able to go over everything but she did say although im right and all allegations do have to be investigated (she accused me of something again not sure what this time) its more about getting her the right support so that she can come home. she said the council wouldnt be able to help her and at best she could be put forward for a supported living thing but that takes a long time and given her history shes unlikely to get it as she'd be considered high risk

thorsoak

Can you talk to your doctor? Or maybe your health visitor? Someone you have confidence in? What about the team that helps with your brain-damaged son? They must be able to support you in your claim that your health has deteriorated to the extent that you can no longer look after your daughter - after all, if you have a breakdown and have to go into hospital, who then could look after your other children? Stay firm - go into broken record mode "I love her dearly but can no longer have her living here - she is far too disruptive and may harm the younger children, not to mention acting in a way which is not a good role model to her younger sisters".

Igottawii!!

My nephew has Aspergers and from the age of around 13 became verbally aggressive towards my (single parent) sister and his 2 younger siblings (6 & 8 at that time) particularly his sister.
Eventually when he was 16 and physically bigger than his mum (& becoming increasingly threatening) she had to take him to SS and say she couldn't have him living with her and his siblings anymore as she was afraid for their safety.
They tried to persuade her but, as bad as she felt, she stood her ground (after all, as she said, she wouldn't take such threatening behaviour from a boyfriend/partner) so they found him temp accomm in shared housing with other young males.
He is now 23 and his relationship with his mum & siblings is stable but it was the best thing for all if them for him to leave when he did.
I think you just need to be firm with SS and say that it's not good for your health or her siblings for your daughter to be living at home. She will be given lots of support by way of a social worker to help her settle somewhere too.

teabag29

They don't deal with ms in my area, I have to travel to Cambridge hospital a 45 min train ride and 2 buses away, my doctors are having major problems at the minute its a nightmare trying to get an appointment and then it will be a junior who has no clue. I recently got asked by one of them, what is ms? My ms nurse will support me but my next appointment isn't until next month, nothing that I can get help with quick. My son doesn't see anyone now except for a genetic doctor who is based in london and has only seen him once. He had a lot of input as a child but nothing they can do for him anymore. I know my capabilities and im really at the edge now, I feel a relapse is on the cards, the warning signs are there (pain in chest, numbness down left side) which is how they usually start, but I also know the social services are stretched, especially when it comes to troublesome teens and how pushy they can be because of it. They still haven't contacted me so not sure whats happening.... surely if shes making up allegations of abuse then they cant send her back here anyway in case it is true for her safety ....far from it, shes had £200 spent on new clothes in past 2 weeks, new hair do and new nails and various trips out (she was behaving herself at this point and i treated them all as they were due a treat), I wouldn't have the strength or energy to hit her if i tried, some days i cant even hold my cup BUT if shes lying and saying im abusing her then surely they cant bring her home anyway until they've investigated, by which time i'll have had a chance to speak to my ms nurse for support about how stress affects my condition etc??

teabag29

I should also add she has been violent to me, not often but perhaps 3-4 times over the past 9 months the last being in january/feb time when she pushed me off the sofa because i was trying to tickle her to bring her out of a mood she was in (laughter always helps her come round). My son has lashed on her on 2 occasions over the past month, she was taunting him terribly and wouldn't stop despite my warnings (my son is 6ft 2, age 16 but has brain damage due to hydrocephalus as a baby and he also has a possible genetic disorder and learning delay. He still wears pull ups at night as he is unable to hold it, he also has a large head due to the hydrocephalus and has been bullied throughout his life for this aswell as other problems). She was calling him a big head and calling him nappy boy, he went into the kitchen and half filled a jug of water and tipped it on her. The second him he did lash out and he punched her on the arm, this was about 2 weeks ago because she publicly humiliated him infront of us all and pulled his trousers down. She has pinched and scratched him but hes never retaliated only those 2 times but i fear now he may get into trouble for this, even though he was provoked he is a big lad and he did cause a bruise. he knows he did wrong and he apologised to her and she did to him in the end (all be it she was saying it again the next day). Is he likely to get into trouble? I have gone over it with him and he knows he shouldnt have hit her but at the same time i can see why he snapped, she was really enjoying seeing his pain at teasing him. Not sure i will even hear back tonight, its getting late

thorsoak

Just read this thread through again - you will see that we are all singing from the same hymn sheet - TELL SS THAT YOU CAN NO LONGER COPE WITH YOUR DAUGHTER and you are making excuses as to why you can't tell them this or why they won't listen to you.

But they will - provided that you keep telling them!

teabag29

its because i tried this before and i was very firm but they got police involved and were going to arrest me for abandonment and obviously i dont want that because then my other children would be at risk. Ive just rang the hospital as i've heard nothing, the nurse put me on hold and i heard her whisper to someone else 'its her mum what do i tell her' then after a few minutes she came back on and said my daughter hadn't been assessed yet so nothing she could tell me and doesn't know if she'll be coming home as it depends what she's saying. Im so tired, i was up all night vomiting from this bug and suffer intense fatigue anyway so i cant stay awake much longer. I am going to be firm and tell them i cant cope with her any longer and my other childrens safety and my health are being jeopardized but realistically can they arrest me for neglect/abandonment if i do that.... are they likely to do that, thats all i need to know x

elsien

I thought child abandonment is when a child is left home alone when the parents have no intention of returning to ensure their wellbeing. That is not the case here. I would strongly suggest getting some independent advice about this as there is a strong possibility that if the social worker really did say that they were talking out of their bottoms. Children can leave home and get married at 16 so arresting and prosecuting for not being able to take your 17 year old back? - I'm only a lay person but I really can't see that happening. You could try phoning the NSPCC - you don't have to give your name to ask the questions.

(As an aside, if your daughter has made allegations then there will be a safeguarding investigation going on. This may mean that the information you are given is limited while the investigation takes place.)

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It's perfectly legal for a 16 or 17 year old to leave home. So they cannot prosecute you for it. As she will be deemed a vulnerable person, the local authority have a duty to support her in terms of benefits, somewhere to live, access to education, that sort of thing.

Let her go and stand your ground.