Need some advice re daughter and current situation: UPDATE

teabag29

Ive posted on here years ago regarding my daughter, to cut a long story short she has complex needs (pathological demand avoidance syndrome, adhd, learning difficulties, obsessive eating disorder and possible genetic disorder). I have ms and other health problems (4 tumours in both kidneys, benign but growing so can be dangerous and need removing, liver and kidney problems and mass on my thyroid, being tested to see if lupus is the cause behind all of this).

Basically for the past 5 days i've had a sickness and dihorrea bug which the whole household have caught (my partner and 5 children). My partner was last to catch it lastnight and so its in full swing with him, the others are over it and i still have it (my ms takes me much longer to fight off these things). This morning i asked the children for some help, my daughter included (shes 17). She began being very nasty to the other kids, taking the mick out of my brain damaged son and almost kicking my other son out of his pushchair (my elder son caught him). I told her to go sit in the garden to cool down until she can be nice and i told her to give me her bus pass as shes been known to run off. She snapped it in half, called me every name going then went out the back door, slamming it and bending the key in the process.

After checking on her 5 minutes later she had gone and sending me abusive messages over fb and telling everyone i chucked her out. She also posted on her wall asking if anyone can get her drugs.

She was kicked out of college 2 months ago for disturbed behaviour and deemed to vulnerable (before this i pulled her out of school to home educate after she attempted suicide several times from the anxiety of mainstream school and very little support). To cut it short she wants to be hanging round with boys who do drugs and will happily take them herself to impress them, go out till all hours and live with no rules, a lot like the average teenager but with no sense of danger ( she has almost been the target of a 40 odd year old !!!!!hile who was trying to groom her whom she believed to be 17, lots of other things, she has no sense of danger at all).

When the council told her they cant help as she isn't homeless because i didnt chuck her out shes now accusing me of some sort of abuse (not sure what yet) and saying its not safe for her to come back and threatening suicide if they return her. Shes currently being assessed in hospital (she has been put in a childrens mental health unit before for suicide attempts when she couldnt handle school for a few weeks). Although she has learning problems she is very street wise and very manipulative, she knows the system and is trying to work it to her advantage, she has done this many times before and this time it is to get her own house so she doesnt have to live by rules that i set. She has accused me of abuse many times, and my family, and neighbours, and police and even teachers, its nothing new but equally as heartbreaking for me everytime she does it.

I love my daughter and i want the best for her but i really feel like the time has come that i just cant take anymore, im battling serious health problems 1 of which is triggered by stress which leaves me relapsing for months (often in hospital), i have a son with brain damage and a younger one with learning delay and also 2 girls. I have no family left at all to help only my partner. my question is this, can they force her to come home if she's refusing, and what about if i refuse, would they then help her or would i be forced to have her back? that may sound very harsh but its got to the point i have to put my health first now to because if i deteriorate much further there are 4 other kids that are going tobe in a tough situation. she is making their life unbearable to. (we have had numerous professionals involved but no support given ever helps). Im just sick of being abused every day of my life I really cant take anymore. sorry for the long post, advice appreciated (daughter in question is 17, 18 in november)

pigpen

I'd let her go fend for herself.. she clearly thinks she knows best.. you can still be there for her and pop round each day or have her come for a cooked evening meal each day.. but at some point you have to put yourself and your other children first.

No they cannot force her to come back and you can say you won't have her.. in which case she will probably be placed in foster care as a vulnerable person under 18, or in a hostel temporarily.

In order for them to come home you have to set them free.. like pigeons .. keep communication open and you might actually find you all get along so much better without her there 24/7 making you all miserable!

We all want the best for our children but they have to want the best for themselves too.. we can't do it all on our own!

teabag29

pigpen i agree with you, i really think a taste of the real world is what she needs but what i mean is how can i make this happen when she has nowhere to go. the social worker i spoke to on the phone made it very clear i have a duty of care until shes 18. When she erupted like this years ago and i tried to refuse having her home until she got some help they threatened me with having me arrested for abandonment. i feel like im in a catch 22, i don't feel i can properly protect my other children or myself anymore with her here but i feel as though they will tell me i have no choice to have her back until shes 18. Do i have any rights, and if so are they likely to give her some proper help and support in foster care?

Blue_Bird

I'm not able to offer any advice, just wanted to say that I really feel for you, it's a very hard situation. Have you mentioned to SS that she has been aggressive towards your other children? Especially as you feel you can't protect them from her. It sounds like she has a lot of issues going on, and like pigpen says, you sometimes have to set people free. Don't view it as giving up on her.

Have you spoken to her on neutral ground, maybe with a mediator there?

teabag29

Shes not interested unless she can get her own way, as soon as a rule comes in or shes bored thats it she explodes, and seen as she cant keep friends for more than 5 minutes she gets bored a lot. I have not spoken to the social worker in any great length yet it was just a quick call to get the details, she said she'd call back today after my daughter had been assessed to give me an update but nothing as of yet. I'm in a lot of pain, always feels worse when im stressed, really want to try a hot bath which sometimes helps but scared if i do they may turn up at door to question me (can take me a long time to get out of bath as i have mobility issues). Infront of authority figures my daughter is a different person, she really knows how to put on an act and people often find it hard to believe what im saying until they've been involved for a while by which time she's usually shown her other side. I'm worried, cross, heart broken, anxious all at the same time. What hurts the most is that she knows how ill I am yet she would still make up lies to try and get herself what she wants knowing full well what it will do to my health. Ive given up my whole life for her, my career and education to care for her, my family to stand by her side as they never understood her, my friends who she repeatedly stole off, my relationships, my homes, my reputation and still she treats me this way like im nothing to her. Everyday i wake up to her calling me a ms freak and am i not dead yet etc. I feel broken i cant take anymore and im scared they will force me to have her back as i have a duty of care for another 7 months, on the other hand my heart is breaking having to let her go because i know she will rarely see me again, shes told me that many times and i see the road shes going down, its not a good one but i cant help her anymore. Being a parent is the hardest job i've ever don and i feel like 've failed!

thorsoak

You also have a duty of care to your younger children - and from what you have said, she has threatened them. Of course a social worker is going to put pressure on you to take care of her - but they too have a duty of care to your younger children.

Mojisola

teabag29 wrote: »

I have ms and other health problems (4 tumours in both kidneys, benign but growing so can be dangerous and need removing, liver and kidney problems and mass on my thyroid, being tested to see if lupus is the cause behind all of this).

This morning i asked the children for some help, my daughter included (shes 17). She began being very nasty to the other kids, taking the mick out of my brain damaged son and almost kicking my other son out of his pushchair (my elder son caught him).

I love my daughter and i want the best for her but i really feel like the time has come that i just cant take anymore

For your own sake and for your other children's sake, it's time to let her go her own way.

teabag29

But what do i say, im not good at speaking up and dont understand the law in this area. If they tell me i have a duty of care and have no choice or i'll be prosecuted for abandonment then what do i say? will they really do that, can they? and what if they say we will make sure you have support if she tries to harm your other children, you can call this 24 hour number who can offer advice (thats what they said last time) and we'll give her some counseling to stop her name calling the other children, or give them counseling to deal with it. Its never worked before and now shes older she's a lot worse

lizzy85

Yeah, I agree with others. Let her be, have a taste of her own medicine. See how far she can go before she comes running home to her mum.

teabag29

Yes but how if the authorities are telling me I have no choice to have her home or be prosecuted for abandonment?

rachy182

How much longer can she stay in the mental health unit and what support are they going to put into place to help your family. Are the health proffesionals aware that you are at the end of your tether?