What are your relationships with your siblings like?

nearlyrich

I am second of six siblings oldest girl with one older brother and 2 younger sisters and 2 younger brothers we have a 13 year span. We have always been close and our children are very close too. I don't agree with everything they do or say and I am sure I annoy them too but we are never horrible to each other. We don't do presents just for the children in our family but we do get together to celebrate significant birthdays and Christmas usually.

TBagpuss

I think sibling relationships 9and family generally) are hard, as there is an assumtion that you must love your family, and that is not always the case.

Think about how you would interact with someone who you were not related to who behaved as your brother does. You might well chose to limit your interactions wioth them or to stop seeing them altogether.

Think too about what (if any) the positives are in the relationship.

As it sounds as though your hisband gets on well with your brother it might be worth seeing whether your husbnad could talk to your brother at some point, perhaps framing it as him having observed / heard various comments etc and that these are hurtful and not accurate.

U;timately, however, you cannot change your brother. You can however decide what you will put up with and how much you want to see him.

Responding to, rather than ignoring his nasty comments may help him to change his habits.

Not being nasty in return but challenging him: e.g.

Him "You're so selfish"
You "That's not a very nice thing to say. What is it that you think I've done to caue you to sa ythat today?"

If this is simply a habit, then if this happens every time he *might* start to change his behaviour. If it is that there are specific things which he genuinely feeels you have done (or not done) then getting them out in the open may be helpful.

Equally with other comments
"You're such a spoiled brat"
You "That's a really nasty comment to make. I'm 30, so I don't think I qualify as a brat, but whnat makes you think I'm spoiled? Is there something specifc which makes you say that? Even if you feel I was spolied as a child, there isn't anything either of can do about it now. of there is anything that's bothering you about how I'm act now, why not speak to me about whatever it is specifcally, rather than just making nasty comments ?"

If you are able to maintain a calm, reasonable tone rather than responding agressvively then you may find that he either backs down or possibly that he actually responds and tells you whaat is really bothering him.

I have 3 siblings (one older than me, 2 younger) I get on with them but to be honest, we get on best at a bit of a distance, and with on of them at least we tend to rub each other up the wrong way if we spend too much time together - from my perspective, this is because she tends to be very tactless and rather self-centred, and she doesn't seem to have much empathy.

(For instnace, a little while ago, when I got a promotion, I treated myself to a piece of original art by an artist whose work I love. It arived a few days before my sister was due to come to stay with me and so it weas still new and exciting. I showed it to her, and she knew from our conversation that it was something which I had personally chosen as something which I wanted in my home, that it was both beautiful and valuable to me. Her immediate comment was that it was 'creepy' and 'horrible' and why would anyone wnat that on their walls :mad:
I know that I would never hear the end of it if I dared to suggest that the pictures she choses to have on her walls are incredibly bland and instnatly forettable and remind me of the sort of pictures you get in hotel conference rooms , and also that if I reacted to her comments about my artwork that would then be about me being too touchy or thin skinned.!

it bugs me at christmas when I will try to chose csomething to her taste for her, and she will then chose something to her taste, rather than mine, for me.

I tell myself that it is mostly lack of imagination on her part, and we do geton better now as adualts then we did when we lived in the same house.

I know with my sister and I pat of the issue when we were younger is that I';m 5 1/2 years older than her - she used to resent that I wa allowed to do things she wasn't, becuase I was older, I used to find it aggrevating that she would be allowed to do things, or got opportunites, at a younger age that I did, or had opportunities I didn't get...

Sometimes this helps to avoid conflict now - for instnace, because I know that she perceived that my elder sister and I used to tell her what to do, and used to exclude her (we were much closer in age to each other), If we are ttryng to organise anything I tend to be very, very careful about how I phrase things or who I approach first, so that it is very clear that I am making a suggstion / asking for suggestions, rather than trying to tell anyone what to do.

I'm going on at such length only to illustrate how stuff which happnes as chilren can cast a very long shadow, and that often it isn't about whether what the ther person thinks is true or not, it's about the fact that they belive it, and how you deal with that.

and if you ecide that you are going to deal with it by not tryingto kep up the relationship with your brtoehr, and by responding to anh nasty comments by ending the conversation and walking away, that is actually OK. You don't pick your relations. You don't have to like them.

foolofbeans

I have an older sister (2 years) who I no longer have any contact with.
We were always very different in character and would never have been friends or in the same social circles if we weren't related.
I wish I could have a close relationship and I am jealous of DH who has a close relationship with his siblings but on the flip side with family usually comes drama and I don't miss any of that!

OP I think you need to take a step back from your brother and understand that people do not behave like they should or how we would like them to. It always seems that the more outrageous somebody behaves the more they get excused. My sister was always self-centred and unapologetic about her bad behaviour and one day I decided I was not going to allow it any more. She has never taken accountability for her own actions and anything in life has always been somebody else's fault and I understand that that is just how she is but I don't want the drama and I don't want to continue forgiving. It makes me sad that we will probably never be close but in all honesty my life has not changed much without her in it (maybe quieter!)
OP I may be wrong but it seems that everybody excuses your brothers behaviour towards you. While you excuse it then people will think it is ok so I think you need to make it clear that it is not acceptable, name calling is childish and hurtful and you really don't need that negativity in your life.

I realise it is not easy to walk away particularly if you crave a close family relationship but for that to ever work would require your brother to change significantly and I doubt that will ever happen so you need to decide if you can continue to allow him to treat you so badly or walk away.

miss_independent

Mojisola wrote: »

You sound such a nice person with others around you who take advantage of that niceness!

Both yours and Foxriver8's relatives are able to behave properly with other people - how sad that they treat their sisters so badly.

Thanks Mojisola, I'm trying not to be "too nice" anymore. Have learned a lot in the last few years. You can be kind without being a mug being the primary lesson!

To be completely honest, I don't see a lot of my brother so, who knows, he could have problems in his relationships with others that I don't know about. I do wonder however if, with both myself and Foxriver8, our brothers somehow see their treatment of us as their "role". That perhaps they see it as their job as "big brother" to put us down.

LutonGirl

Sister, two years younger, bestest buddy as well as sister.

OH has one brother he doesn't speak to (he fell out years ago with the whole family, not just my OH) and a sister he adores, but she doesn't like me. I can take or leave her. I don't let her get to me.

Families eh?

Chlorine7

Two older half brothers. Not close, no reason for it just a big age gap and nothing in common. Didn't go to either of their weddings as one randomly got married up north and didn't tell anyone and the second is gay and my father doesn't know. I wasn't invited as for some reason the husband didn't want me there. I haven't spoken to that brother since other than to say merry xmas and happy birthday.

One younger brother we're a bit closer and have the same interests but the age gap is still a bit big. Even if we were close I wouldn't expect to be a bridesmaid at his wedding. Bridesmaids should be who the bride is close and wants there.

I do sometimes wish I had a sister closer in age to me.

gabriel1980

I have two brothers and a sister. I was born a lot later than them, so very much the baby of the family, I'm 35, my oldest brother is 52, then my other brother is 50 and my sister is late 40s. I get along with my brothers great (when I see them), but always clashed with my sister. She had a very troubled relationship with my parents, she got pregnant at 13 or so and my Dad didn't speak to her for at least a few years. They had just started to get along better when he died suddenly.


She's always tried to control me and is in many ways a lot like my Dad, looks like him, acts like him, but without the softer side which she never saw in him. Big argument at Christmas with her and I doubt I'll ever speak to her again.

BrassicWoman

don't speak, don't want to. I have many nice friends I'd rather spend time on. You get to choose. Don't get dragged down by familial guilt,

1trainer1

Foxriver8 wrote: »

1trainer1, do you live near each other?


We live close about an hour away from each other, close enough if we need to rush to see each other but far enough to have privacy and live our own life

DomRavioli

One of three, youngest, sister is six years older, brother is three years older.

I'd quite happily never speak to my sister again. She did some rather horrible things around 10 years ago and I just cannot forgive her. I am civil to her, but avoid her wherever possible.

My brother and I are close but his job means we are only together in person maybe once a year. We talk most days on the phone/skype/text.

I'm probably closer to my sister in law and my brother in law (My OHs sister and brother) who seem to be nicer people.