What are your relationships with your siblings like?

Foxriver8

onlyroz wrote: »

I get on OK with my brother but we're not particularly close. I most certainly wouldn't have expected to be a bridesmaid at his wedding - surely it's the norm for the bride to choose them from her siblings, cousins and friends? Sister-of-the-groom probably wouldn't even expect a place at the "top table".

Anyway, life's too short to worry about people you think that you ought to get along with but don't really. As the saying goes, you can choose your friends but not your family.

Thank you.

YeAh, the wedding thing, it was mostly other ppl being surprised that I'm not. The only reason it was ever really in my mind at all is that our family is very very small and (I thought) close. He was at top table at my wedding and signed the register, he was very much given "his place" as I saw it. It would have felt strange to me not to do that. Obviously he just doesn't give a !!!!.

balletshoes

Foxriver8 wrote: »

See, this seems reasonable to me. As there are only the 2 of us I had always hoped (assumed) that we would be relatively close. If that wasn't to be I could accept the type of relationship you have described. I just find this complete animosity so unnecessary.

Does your brother live near you? My brother lives about 20mins away so I find the estrangement a bit odd / embarrassing.

you are 30, your brother is 35? Have you ever had a conversation with him (just him and you, no-one else around) and calmly told him how the way he speaks to you, and the things he has said to you, makes you feel?
Around family, there may be a tendency for all of you (including your brother) to revert to kids again, so he may be thinking its okay for him to behave this way still, because he always has. You need to tell him that its not okay, but do it on neutral ground, away from your family.

eta - and if anything, your last fight with him should tell you not to make any arrangements by text message (text conversations without phone conversations can be the work of the devil!)

miss_independent

In some ways OP, your relationship with your brother sounds a little like mine except my brother is 20 years older! I never, from being a toddler, felt that he liked me. Him and SIL never called me by my name, just "the brat". I found it very hurtful, especially around the age of 9 when my parents had spilt up and I was getting badly bullied at a new school. Brother and SIL had come to live with us while they saved money and they constantly made digs about how I should be doing the cleaning, washing up, ironing etc and how when they had a daughter she would be nothing like me, I was a spoiled brat etc. I was quite a withdrawn child, very quiet, bookish and sad most of the time tbh. I don't think I was spoiled, and I didn't behave like a brat. I was constantly compared to SIL's sisters and told how wonderful and unlike me they were. They were also between 5 and 15 years older than me! I too wasn't allowed to be a flower girl at the wedding, or allowed to sit at the top table with the rest of my family (Mum, Nan etc). Like you, I wouldn't have expected it but other family members brought it up, acting surprised that I wasn't allowed to be involved in the wedding and I had always wanted to be a flower girl or bridesmaid (never did get to be one!).
Their treatment of me definitely had a negative impact on my already fragile self esteem and I don't think I've ever shook that feeling of being an outsider in my own family.

Things changed for the better in their relationship with me when they had children. I think maybe they saw I was good with them and they started to be a bit nicer although my SIL seems to have been determined to make her daughter my rival - getting her into the same hobbies I'd had from a young age and pushing her to get better than I was at the same age. Pathetic really.

It fell to me to look after aging family members totally alone with no input or signs of concern for parents/grandparents shown by my brother. If I'm honest, I feel they contact my parents the bare minimum that they can to justify the large sums of money they receive. The, now teenage, kids have never been brought up to say thank you for presents and money. They don't even acknowledge it. I was even told they were disappointed that they had only been given £15 each when they visited for the day. I explained to the child who had complained that unfortunately I wasn't making a lot of money in my job and he said, "Well you either need a better job or you need to work more." The children are generally quite rude and have never been told no. When the lot of them come to stay, I feel like the maid at best, and bullied the rest of the time.

I send as expensive gifts and money as I can afford for Christmas, Birthdays and special occasions to Brother, Nieces/Nephew but rarely even receive a card back (or thanks). They remembered my 21st but not any other birthday (i.e any childhood birthdays, 18th, 30th etc). I think one Christmas I was given a charity gift but apart from that I'm not usually acknowledged.

They will be coming to stay with me, to do their annual visit to my parents in a few months and I'm dreading it. My eldest niece is very intimidating, a bit of a bully etc and I never quite know how to handle things. I stay quiet to keep the peace. I know if I react, as quite frankly I have a right to, I will be blamed for everything. Called a spoiled brat etc.

If he hadn't been my brother, I wouldn't have chosen to spend time with him! He does have his good points, now and again but mostly I just feel a lot of pain about our relationship. I would have loved a close, happy relationships with siblings and always wanted to be part of a big family.

I wish I had some decent advice for you but I don't. All I can think of is to ask yourself why you want the approval of such a nasty man? You don't need it. He doesn't deserve to have a nice sibling. I'm going to try having better boundaries when they come to stay and calmly say, "I don't deserve to be spoken to/treated like that. I'm respectful and kind to you and I expect that treatment back." I don't know if that is something that could work with you? I sometimes feel they want a massive reaction or strop so that can say, "See, told you you are a brat!" so expressing that you are not accepting horrid treatment in a dignified way means you have the upper hand.

Mrs_Ryan

I have an older sister who I have become a lot closer to in recent years. She suffers with a rare autoimmune condition and has a terrible time but she's always there for me and I try to be there for her. We didn't get on when we were younger (she was 8 when I was born and her nose was very much put out of joint by my arrival) but I get on well with her now. Don't see her much but we chat on Facebook often and when I go home to see mum and dad I try to meet her for a coffee.
My mum and dad have an older son but both sister and I have disowned him due to what he did to my parents. As far as I am concerned he is not my brother. He has adult ADHD and various psychiatric problems (allegedly- I don't believe he has anything wrong with him at all but that's another story)

Money_maker

miss_independent wrote: »

They don't even acknowledge it. I was even told they were disappointed that they had only been given £15 each when they visited for the day. I explained to the child who had complained that unfortunately I wasn't making a lot of money in my job and he said, "Well you either need a better job or you need to work more." The children are generally quite rude and have never been told no. When the lot of them come to stay, I feel like the maid at best, and bullied the rest of the time.

They will be coming to stay with me, to do their annual visit to my parents in a few months and I'm dreading it. My eldest niece is very intimidating, a bit of a bully etc and I never quite know how to handle things. I stay quiet to keep the peace. I know if I react, as quite frankly I have a right to, I will be blamed for everything. Called a spoiled brat etc..

What a sad post this is miss-independent, you should not have to put up with this. Perhaps it's time to ask them to either stay elsewhere or remember their manners. Even family is not worth taking this type of treatment for.


For the record, I cut all contact with my sibling over 20 years ago. Sounds drastic but we've had no problems or arguments with each other.

-taff

It really doesn't matter what anyone else's relationship is like, your is what it is and it probably won't change.

I do know what I'd be saying to a sibling that constantly put me down, !!!!!! their reasons or excuses, there's such a thing as being too nice. Being allowed to get away with treating someone like poo for years doesn't mean it has to keep going.

dirty_magic

Why do you even spend time with him if you don't like him? Just because he's family it doesn't mean you have to like him or try to be friends with him.

I'd just stop making plans to see him and avoid him as much as possible at family gatherings. Life is too short to waste time with people who make you feel rubbish!

Foxriver8

dirty_magic wrote: »

Why do you even spend time with him if you don't like him? Just because he's family it doesn't mean you have to like him or try to be friends with him.

I'd just stop making plans to see him and avoid him as much as possible at family gatherings. Life is too short to waste time with people who make you feel rubbish!

That's not it - I don't "not like him"; it's him that doesn't like me. And yes, I know the same applies, why would you want to spend time with someone who doesn't like you, but a) it's my brother, I want us to get on and b) it's hard to accept that someone doesn't like you for reasons that you know are bullsh1t

Foxriver8

miss_independent wrote: »

In some ways OP, your relationship with your brother sounds a little like mine except my brother is 20 years older! I never, from being a toddler, felt that he liked me. Him and SIL never called me by my name, just "the brat". I found it very hurtful, especially around the age of 9 when my parents had spilt up and I was getting badly bullied at a new school. Brother and SIL had come to live with us while they saved money and they constantly made digs about how I should be doing the cleaning, washing up, ironing etc and how when they had a daughter she would be nothing like me, I was a spoiled brat etc. I was quite a withdrawn child, very quiet, bookish and sad most of the time tbh. I don't think I was spoiled, and I didn't behave like a brat. I was constantly compared to SIL's sisters and told how wonderful and unlike me they were. They were also between 5 and 15 years older than me! I too wasn't allowed to be a flower girl at the wedding, or allowed to sit at the top table with the rest of my family (Mum, Nan etc). Like you, I wouldn't have expected it but other family members brought it up, acting surprised that I wasn't allowed to be involved in the wedding and I had always wanted to be a flower girl or bridesmaid (never did get to be one!).
Their treatment of me definitely had a negative impact on my already fragile self esteem and I don't think I've ever shook that feeling of being an outsider in my own family.

Things changed for the better in their relationship with me when they had children. I think maybe they saw I was good with them and they started to be a bit nicer although my SIL seems to have been determined to make her daughter my rival - getting her into the same hobbies I'd had from a young age and pushing her to get better than I was at the same age. Pathetic really.

It fell to me to look after aging family members totally alone with no input or signs of concern for parents/grandparents shown by my brother. If I'm honest, I feel they contact my parents the bare minimum that they can to justify the large sums of money they receive. The, now teenage, kids have never been brought up to say thank you for presents and money. They don't even acknowledge it. I was even told they were disappointed that they had only been given £15 each when they visited for the day. I explained to the child who had complained that unfortunately I wasn't making a lot of money in my job and he said, "Well you either need a better job or you need to work more." The children are generally quite rude and have never been told no. When the lot of them come to stay, I feel like the maid at best, and bullied the rest of the time.

I send as expensive gifts and money as I can afford for Christmas, Birthdays and special occasions to Brother, Nieces/Nephew but rarely even receive a card back (or thanks). They remembered my 21st but not any other birthday (i.e any childhood birthdays, 18th, 30th etc). I think one Christmas I was given a charity gift but apart from that I'm not usually acknowledged.

They will be coming to stay with me, to do their annual visit to my parents in a few months and I'm dreading it. My eldest niece is very intimidating, a bit of a bully etc and I never quite know how to handle things. I stay quiet to keep the peace. I know if I react, as quite frankly I have a right to, I will be blamed for everything. Called a spoiled brat etc.

If he hadn't been my brother, I wouldn't have chosen to spend time with him! He does have his good points, now and again but mostly I just feel a lot of pain about our relationship. I would have loved a close, happy relationships with siblings and always wanted to be part of a big family.

I wish I had some decent advice for you but I don't. All I can think of is to ask yourself why you want the approval of such a nasty man? You don't need it. He doesn't deserve to have a nice sibling. I'm going to try having better boundaries when they come to stay and calmly say, "I don't deserve to be spoken to/treated like that. I'm respectful and kind to you and I expect that treatment back." I don't know if that is something that could work with you? I sometimes feel they want a massive reaction or strop so that can say, "See, told you you are a brat!" so expressing that you are not accepting horrid treatment in a dignified way means you have the upper hand.

Miss independent, that does sound very sad, I feel awful for you and I do seem similarities between our situations - particularly "the brat", that is my name too !!!! isn't it?

I guess what I struggle with is that my brother isn't a bad person, he is just horrible to me. But then the ONE time I give it back to him he scuttles away and HE ends the relationship and I'M the bad guy! !!!!!!?!

I wish I had some advice for you. All I would say is id be telling those ignorant kids to shove it, especially the comments about you need to earn more money!!!! :mad::mad:

1trainer1

pigpen wrote: »

I've lived in my house 11 years, one of my brothers doesnt even know my address and I don't know his.. Another brother has been here once when he did some work in our garden, One of my sisters has been round twice.. that means nothing!.. but if any of us needed anything at all we would be there for one another, we don't argue or fall out.. though we dont have to agree with each others life choices we support one another through everything.

OH's sister is a spoiled, selfish, drama seeking attention wh0r£ ... she needs a slap and a half!

Same we have been living in our house for six years my brothers and sisters have never been down, most probably don't even know where I live.

We all meet up at our parents house every month or two which is what's needed.